Shaking hands and snickering

As a manager, I frequently am required to do these awful things called interviews.

Since I want everyone to love me and think I'm cute, I am the worst interviewer. I usually end up complimenting them and then take out the hard questions, and spend the rest of the time talking about who we know in common. My interviews are always about 45 seconds. This is a blog dedicated to the unemployed, who applied for a job I posted, only to come to the interview and get made fun of later by me in my blog.

"Dale"


Dale showed up at the interview about 15 minutes late and wearing a rugby shirt. He looked like he may have done crystal meth a couple of days ago. The awful thing about an interview like this is that I know within 20 seconds that he won't be hired but I have to fake an interview because I'm non-confrontational.

Mary: I see you worked at Arvest Bank for 2 months, did you enjoy that?

Dale: MMMM not really.

Mary: Oh, what did you dislike about it?

Dale: The customers. ug. They were awful.

Mary: So is that why you decided to leave?

Dale: No, I would have stayed because I need the money. They let me go for excessive absences.

Mary: Oh! Well that's....okay....How um, much did you miss, just out of curiosity?

Dale: I think like, 8 times in a month. But my drawer always balanced.

Mary: Thanks Dale. We'll let you know by the most non-awkward method available. Thank God for email!


"Zenaida"

I gave her Casey Anthony's fictional nanny's name because she strikes me as the kind of person who would steal a child and then yell at you for being upset about it. She shows up to the interview wearing a tight orange t-shirt dress with massive cleavage and white stripes in her Ecuadorian hair. She also has her nose pierced and hoop earrings the size of dinner plates.

Zenaida: You're Mary? I'm older than you. Thas weird.

Mary: Would you like to come into my office? The air conditioner vent is blowing up your tiny dress and I don't want to see your magicland.

Zenaida: What kind of like, stuff do you have to have to work here? Could I be paid under the table without documentation?

Mary: Well are you a US citizen?

Zenaida: UM. I am bilingual. I'm from Ecuador. I think I have a social security number. You can't go to school without a social security number, right?

Mary: Uhhhh, I'm not really sure. Lets get through the interview and we can worry about your illegal alienness upon an offer of employment, okay?

She answered all the questions horribly and with extreme attitude. I wanted to take her to a boot camp, like they have for bad kids on Maury Povich. This question was the worst, though.

Mary: And what would you say your weakness is?

Zenaida: I know you did not just ask me that question. What am I pose to say to something like that? I trying to talk good things about myself. You would need to be asking someone else that knows me something like that! Do not ask the interview person a question about something bad! Ummmm. That does not make sense. What the HELL.

Mary: Haha. I agree Zenny. I was silly. We'll email you and please don't respond.

Zenaida: I don't have a computer so I'll just have mi hermano give me a ride up here in a few days to see if I got it.

Mary: I'm sorry, I don't think you're what we looking for so please don't come back. and Please don't cut me.

"Karla"

My boss at the time actually interviewed Karla so I do not know the specifics of the conversation they had. I know it was awful and very short.

All you really need to know is that Karla brought her boyfriend and 2 children to wait for her in the lobby while she had her interview. And. She had a belly button ring. That we could see because she was wearing a shirt that showed it off as though it was an impressive portfolio of banking awesomeness. While she was in the interview, her boyfriend asked me if I had any coloring books or toys for the kids because they were bored. I gave them a sucker and some judgement.

"Jamie"

Jamie showed up for an interview that someone in HR had scheduled. I had not seen her resume until she showed up and I had HR email it to me so I could over it with her.

Jamie had her hair in a soaking wet ponytail that left a huge water circle in the middle of her back. She wore an Aeropostale polo that was 4 sizes too small and a pair of black jeans that were 3 sizes too big. The black jeans were skinny jeans, before skinny jeans were cool (however, skinny jeans are only cool for skinny girls even in 2011). She had on HUGE Airwalks without laces.

Mary: Hi Jamie. I'm Mary. Oh. Would you like to shake...my...hand?

Jamie: Oh yeah okay.

Mary: What interested you in this position? I noticed you don't have any experience in banking.

Jamie: Yeah, I drive a truck. Jesus. I just want to get out of the heat, ya know.

Mary: Oh, okay... well th-

Jamie: I am tired of sweating my ass off and not making anything you know? There's a lot of money out there and it involves air conditioning.

Mary: Have you ever had any kind of customer service experience?

Jamie: How much does this job pay, by the way?

Mary: Depending on experience, up to $10 an hour.

Jamie: Wow, that's not much. That won't even pay my bills. You know. (wrings out her ponytail and places it on her shoulder)

Mary: So would you be interested in continuing the interview?

Jamie: Well....maybe I'd be interested but I thought people in like, office jobs, made money. Ya know.

Mary: Okay Jamie, well we'll let you know. And by let you know, I mean we'll give you a blow dryer and probably a fluffy towel.


Needless to say, none of these people were offered a position. One day, I hope I get famous enough that I don't have to do interviews anymore and you all can pay me to sit around in paint-covered gouchos from 2001, making written fun of everyone I  have come in to contact with.