Inappropriate Deathness

While speeding down the highway, 12-18 miles over the speed limit with one of my sideview mirrors crushed with a garage's vengeance at my speed pulling out of him to get a snow cone, texting something hilarious and insightful, and handing little girl a krispy kreme so she'd stop kicking my seat, I came to realize I am probably going to die soon.

I could not bear it if when this happened I had a funeral with a few people who were sad and talked about how "full of life" I was. I would want everyone to take lithium or opiates and watch The Flava of Love while high-fiving each other and dividing my life insurance money.

I decided to go ahead and write my...what's the word I am looking for? It's not sermon or obituary....what the mother effer is it called?

I googled. Eulogy. I have broke it into the people I want to read it, and what exactly I would like them to say. Everyone who knows me know that I am a planner. Except when it comes to retirement, school work, social activities, chores, and my occupation.

Please don't stray from what I have set forth or else I will use my angel wings to give you canker sores and pink eye.

Kendal:

Mary was my best friend.

 She was better at everything than me. Including Scrabble and Words With Friends. The only time I threw the scrabble board at her was to try to distract from my lame attempt to play the word button, knowing she couldn't turn it into a triple word with the "s" on the end. The s's were all already used. She was so pretty that she used the blank space to triple the word.

When we decided to try to get good at soccer so we could contribute something to our high school besides absences, I can honestly say Mary had a better pass kick than me, but that's only because she was so pretty.

 She always liked getting married and then having sex. Everyone wanted to marry her and have sex with her. I, on the other hand, decided I will play this fun game where I only date a guy for a few days until he does something completely unforgivable like not using enough cuss words. That's why I am here today with Franchuk. He just got out of prison for cussing and stealing expensive jeans so he's perfect for me.

 Sorry, I know this is supposed to be about Mary but I love talking about myself so I'll get back to her in a second.

Remember that one time, a few minutes ago, when I told you about my boyfriend Franchuk? That was funny, huh. I like cheese on my food because I am a vegetarian.

Okay, Mary. Gosh she was pretty. She was a good friend to me, too. Like the one time she accidentally walked in on me naked and I screamed at her like an evil Disney villain with red shit shooting out of my eyeballs, she just told me how hot I was and I should dress a little bit more provocative.

I never gave up on Mary. Even when she wanted to stay in all weekend and watch My Super Sweet 16, I would call her until she answered. Sometimes it would take 14 or 15 times. Eventually, I would call her from a blocked number and when she answered I would guilt her into eating lunch with me, even if she was trying to stop being fat.

 I wear stupid clothes sometimes that I think are "funny" and "ironic" but I am wrong. They are just dumb. Like my hot purple tennis shoes that made Mary want to rip out the Velcro and scratch up my face. Or my vocal music teacher sweater with the musical notes, Mary tried to accidentally wash it in bleach. Then I bought a belt that had something stupid on it like a progressive female punching something or something equally as Republican and stupid. When I wear my Canadian tuxedo of head-to-toe denim, Mary wishes she had defriended me in 1995.

 Mary is really classy and timeless and so much funnier than me.

When we lived together, Mary always took the trash out much more than me and I appreciate her cleaning SO much. Thank you so much for always being a better roommate than me.

I'll miss you. I'll miss complaining about you blowing your nose, and trying to pawn you off to any straight or homosexual man when you didn't have one.


Matthew:

My sister was so much funnier and more creative than me.

She often took what I said, then made it funnier and better. She was amazing like that.

I feel really bad about the one time in 1994 that we were fighting over the sonic game while our Mom brought in groceries. You DID call it first in the car on the way home, so my actions were unnecessary and my retaliation of kicking you was way out line.

 I would also like to take this public opportunity to state that Mary did indeed see a puma on her camping trip, and I am an utter and complete asshole for disputing this for the past 12 years.

Why did I move to Ecuador? That's dumb!

Mary was very pretty and the reason I haven't gotten married is because I compare all women to my sister, and they pale in comparison.

Mom:

Mary, you were always my favorite child.

 I wish I had given you more money while you were growing up.

I'm sorry for crying when I got your report cards. They were different! That's all!

 I know you were lying when you got caught skipping school. You said you spilled cherry dr pepper on yourself, but you don't even drink soda. That's okay though. You were so beautiful.

That's the reason you never had boyfriends! They all saw how beautiful and approachable you were, and it scared them off. Your perfection is so intimidating.

 I am sorry that I say aboot instead of about and soory instead of sorry.

 I know how much you want to strangle me when I use silly acronyms so hopefully I will learn that I am funny and don't have to reiterate it. LOL! LMBO! ESBLAM! (everybody should be laughing at me LOL).

That one rule I made about you only getting a snow cone every three days...? I am sorry. That was wrong of me. You deserved a snow cone everyday.

I should've put you in cheerleading so you'd have nicer legs.

 I love you and am going to miss you so much! Who am I going to text at 4:45 a.m. when there is a few snowflakes to warn of the mass danger of driving? Who is going to call me and talk about themselves endlessly? What am I going to do with all the free time I have since I am not listening to you gossip about your friends or talk about your feelings?

 I love you. Don't ever laugh when I tell you how talented I am, okay?

Dad:

Mary, You are also my favorite child. It's amazing we were even able to love the other two with a golden child such as you living amongst them.

I am sorry I have always disputed the fact that you do the Seinfeld "sorry" better than me. I am and always have been so wrong that it burns my mustache right off to even think I had a chance against you!

I'm just happy we kept you off the pole.

Remember when we argued for 2 years over how Hayley Mills spelled her name? I thought I was right and even gave you a pat and said "It's okay. I know how she spells her name because we have the same Birthday". I can't believe how silly I was in thinking I knew more about Pollyanna than you!

Strength is a much better word that grace, Marigold. You were right on that one.

Mary was always able to take any situation her brother presented, and make it funnier and really, overall, just better.

Do you guys want to hear some statistics? Because I have them. I know I'm supposed to be talking about Mary but did you know that 10% of the population is mentally ill and 17% of the population is homeless!?

Here are some final words of wisdom for you, Mary, in the afterlife:

Whoever raises their voice first in an argument has automatically lost.
If one of the other angels make you mad, just ask them to step back say about, 30 or 40 feet, and take a running leap up your ass.
There's a big difference between compassion and weakness.
If one of the other angels make you mad, tell them you've stepped over angels bigger than them just to GET to the fight.



Mat:

You were by far the most gorgeous and vibrant woman I have ever seen. Including the Playboy bunny that bought a car from me. Ew! She was gross!

 I'm sorry for always unloading the dirty dishes you have loaded and then reloading them in a much more obsessive-compulsive manner. You were right, that is obnoxious!

I am going to miss talking to you for hours on end about the twig patterns of our red bud tree.

You always could run faster than me!

You were so pretty! SOOOO much prettier than Blake Griffin's girlfriend when we saw them together at the Cheesecake factory. I know I texted every guy in my phone that I had just seen a 100 lb hammer, but I didn't mean it!

 Thank you so much for always offering to give me a back rub, even if it was just so I would offer to give you one. Which I wouldn't!

You were so cute! So much cuter than Hayden Panitierre and SO much less wrinkly.

I'm sorry I hit you with the remote in the middle of your forehead. You were completely in your right to be trying to get the remote and I was a screwed up crackhead that was completely in the wrong!

I am going to still come to your grave and tell you how my 401k is doing, because I know that death is not enough to kill the incredible interest you have in my spreadsheet.

 I love you more than azaleas in full bloom and you were really pretty.



After everyone has spoken their written eulogies, I would like Paul Mccartney to sing Something in the way she Moves while Gael Garcia Bernal strokes my hair as I descend into the earth.

Happy Funeral Planning!





*******Here's an extra note...after Kendal read the Eulogy I wrote for her, she wrote one for me to read at her funeral. I feel it's only fair I post this as well******************************

Mary:

Kendal was my best friend.

Sometimes I would make plans with her and then say, “Ellis is sick,” but I wish I wouldn’t have had a “sick child” so many times.

 I’m so sorry for telling on her for so many things in high school, especially the time I told on her for going out to lunch when she wasn’t a senior. It was all in the name of Jesus, because all I really did is drive around with a Jesus fish on my car and tell on my friends for stuff… but Kendal sure stayed my friend through everything!

 She didn’t really even complain much when I (chronically) had 3 week old food sitting on the floor of my car that she had to rearrange so she wouldn’t ruin her shoes.

Sometimes I would do fun things with Kendal, like pretend we were drunk around strangers and prank call numbers “Russian Roulette” style.

 I really owe my personality to her exclusively. Without Kendal, I would have been a lame, wasp-fearing, Looney Tunes-clad teenager with a minimal amount of friends.

 Since I think I’m really funny, I’m going to talk about myself now. I want you to know how funny I am, and no matter what that bitch Kendal said, I’m funnier than her forever and always – so I’m kind of glad she’s gone. But not really, haha.

I’m also REALLY good at being fertile. And I make extremely attractive children. I can’t wait until the day that my children tell everyone what a fun mom/human being I am.

No one really has the personality of me, because in case I haven’t told you, I developed it out of necessity.

 Whew, I hate to stop talking about how funny I am, but I’ve noticed that some of you have stopped laughing. Hahaha.

Anyway, I always envied Kendal’s sense of style. So quirky and eclectic. So as a tribute, I’m going to wear purple shoes and fugly necklaces for fun from now on.

Have I told you I can do the entire Thriller dance, by the way?! Don’t worry, I’ll show you a few times at the funeral reception. I’ll be the excessively tan blonde that looks like a carrot dipped in ranch dressing. And if you tell me this, I’ll thank you endlessly.




I’M PRETTY.