Does my racism hurt your feelings, Mom?

The Nature Walk

Ellis was so happy to have me there. She held my hand, told me I looked pretty, and made sure her friends scooted down to make me a motherly hip-sized spot on the spiderweb and bugspray encrusted outdoor bench.

"I can change the world" 

It was her 8th birthday and her teacher had asked for parent volunteers to go on their annual Nature Walk in the woods behind their school. I normally am unable to participate in most field trips and outings because I work a lot but this one only lasted an hour and I had a work-from-home day so I could hang!

 When one of Ellis's friends told me she liked acorns, I said I did too. When she found me one and handed it to me, I tucked it into that tiny pocket of my Lululemon wunder unders and let it stay there, awkwardly crunching against my hip for the duration of the walk because I have the never ending need to bond with humans over whatever means necessary.

Another one of her friends asked me if I liked her bow. I hated it. It was huge and it cost $18, she said. I wondered if that little girl knew all the cool shit her mom could've gotten with that $18. Was that pre-tax or post-tax? I need to know. If we had $20 to work with, my list of better purchase options would have been even longer.  I told her I loved the color and the fabric was very durable and she looked like a dancer. That was all true and her little eyes sparkled with love for Ellis's mom.

Ellis's teacher instructed them to line up in line order. I quickly discovered that that was a soft alphabetical request mixed with a couple of exceptions so the pretty girls don't have to walk behind the immigrants:

The boy behind Ellis motioned that she could go ahead of him. Ellis tossed her hair and turned back to grab my hand to pull me up beside her. I did a behind the teeth smile and said in my fun-yet-stern-modern-mom voice:

"Ellis, can you tell him thank you for letting you go first?" 

"Oh. It's okay! He's spanish and, like, doesn't speak English anyway." 

I considered pretending acting like I didn't know her but I thought we were probably beyond the point that I could sell that.

"ELLIS. I'm sure that's not true. You should talk to him more often, don't assume anything about anyone!" 

"Okay! Thanks Emiliano!" She said happily and ran off, oblivious to her blatant and embarrassing  racism.

She came back a few seconds later and threw a tortilla at Emiliano and yelled BUILD THAT WALL!

(Okay, just kidding about that last part. But my heart sure felt like she had)

I held back and said "Emiliano, I'm going to talk to her today. I know she's wrong and it's not at all right for her to talk to you like that."

Emiliano nodded and said, in pretty damn good English, "I speak English, I'm just from Uruguay so I only learned it two years ago." 

 I asked him a couple more questions about himself because, again, #neverendingneedtobondwithhumansoverwhatevermeansnecessary.

After the walk ended, I presented the cupcakes I had brought for Ellis's class for her birthday. They were all gathering around me, just trying to touch me, hoping some of my cupcake-producing magic would rub off on them.

When I picked Ellis up that day after school, I had my other kids in the car so I knew it wasn't the right time to have a long discussion with her about stereotypes and judgment but her little ass jumped in the car ready to have a chat about the nature walk.

"Mom I want to talk to you about what happened at the nature walk" 

"Okay, honey. We can wait until we get home so we can have some privacy." 

"Because you want to cry?"

"Oh, Ellis, I won't cry. I just want you to have some perspective you may not have." 

"Oh. What's your perschpetctive or whatever you said.?

"I talked to Emiliano and - "

"Oh, Mom, not about that. I was just going to tell you about some mean things my friend Ramona said about you." 

I almost needed to pull over. What was happening? Could I handle the constructive criticism of any of those kids? I tried hard to think if any of them were better than me in any way but my memory was coming up blank; I had a car, a job, a husband, lipstick that stays on through anything, a sense of humor, I knew the ins and outs of snapchat. I feigned confidence a dismissive attitude.

"Oh yeah? What'd she say?" 

"Mom, I really don't want it to hurt your feelings." 

"Well, honey, then don't tell me." 

"But it really hurt my feelings too, Mom, because I love you and you're so nice and it made me cry." 

"OKAY WHAT WAS IT" I asked, a little too eagerly.

"She said she wants to murder you. Isn't that mean? Doesn't that hurt your feelings? I mean, I don't want anyone to murder you, you're so nice." 

I then asked a question I never thought I would have to ask.

"What did I do to that 7 year old that would have her planning my murder?!" 

"She said you stole her Mom's spot as volunteer, BUT after I told on her for saying she wants to murder my mom and she hates her, our teacher told her that wasn't even true. Ramona's mom couldn't come to the nature walk because she had a meeting. So it didn't even have ANYTHING to do with you taking the spot. She just, like, still hates you and wants to murder you." 

"...and she's your friend?" 

"Yeah! She's usually really nice! Sometimes she gets really grumpy and says things like 'I don't know why everyone likes Ellis', but sometimes she's fun. She says she thinks I shouldn't be popular because I'm not that fun. I'm not even popular though, I just have a lot of friends." 

"Okay, I'd like you to stay away from Ramona. I don't like the use of the word hate and I really am uncomfortable with her using the word murder. Also, do we even need to be dissecting popularity yet? You're 8." 

"Okay. I will. I don't think she'll really murder you though Mom, so you don't have to be scared tonight or anything. I just can't believe she hated you enough that she threw your cupcake away." 

"Hold on, WHAT. She hates me so much she wouldn't even eat a cupcake from Suarez effing Bakery because I had touched it!?"


I now understand that it doesn't matter what kind of diplomatic actions you take to try to include all races, gender, and sexes in a nature walk. If a mean-girl senses your weakness, she'll plan your murder and dispose of your $3.75 sugary peace offering.

Have I mentioned how much easier working is than being around children? 

My son went to middle school and didn't have a shit experience

"....so I asked her, 'Hey, when I had to bring that note into Mrs. Arthur's class today, you guys stopped talking and gave me a funny look. I'm sure it's probably nothing, but were you guys talking about me?' 

...and you know what she said, Adrian? 

'Oh, yeah we were. We were just talking about how ugly you are.' 

She said it like it was such common knowledge that I didn't even feel comfortable protesting or questioning her explanation. I just said, 'ohhhh okay'  like she had just told me she liked giraffes and then I went home and thought about what life would be like if I could die. 

THAT'S WHAT MIDDLE SCHOOL IS LIKE, BUDDY. IT'S GOING TO BE THE HARDEST 3 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE AND I JUST NEED YOU TO TALK TO ME WHEN IT GETS TOUGH AND WE'LL GET YOU THROUGH IT, OKAY?" 

We were walking to his school for his 6th grade orientation, 2 weeks before school started. I had saved this conversation for this very day. I had planned to walk the mile to his school so we could have this conversation while sweating our heartfelt feelings out into the August heat. I told him all about the terrible things I went through in middle school including:

• Writing a love letter to a boy whose friend then stood on a table and read it to the lunchroom
• Realizing all of a sudden that school wasn't just doing the hokey pokey and playing with the classroom tarantula at circle time, I actually had to study and work and if I didn't, I would get Fs and nobody would like me. 
• All of a sudden, I wasn't cool. I was a nerd. People told me and I had to accept it. There's nothing worse than being a nerd that doesn't get good grades. What did I have to fall back on? At least legit nerds were smart. I just liked Disney movies and snowcones and Sweet Valley High.
• I wasn't as good at sports as I thought I was. I had to be on the B team, which was almost worse than not playing a sport. 
• My hormones were a ball of wasps fucking snakes. I couldn't even get to the point where I could make sense of anything I was crying about. One minute it would be because I missed my Mom when she was in the next room over and the next I'd be crying because of how much I hated the movie "Forrest Gump." 

He nodded in understanding and laughed when I made jokes. He promised to talk to me if he was being bullied, to tell me if he was sad, and to give me a proper heads up if he was struggling with the work. That's all you can really ask of a 12 year old boy, right? 

Well, come September,  I wasn't getting a lot of feedback. 

It was a diverse school in a big city. The school was about 3 times bigger than any school he would've gone to in Edmond.  They weren't allowed to carry backpacks. The principal bragged to me that they'd gone a full year without finding guns in anyone's lockers. Adrian and I were thinking."...goood....job...?"

"School is fine", he'd say. "Nothing like you talked about." 

I knew that couldn't be right. Sure, he had made a few friends, he had a group of kids he walked with every day,  he told me about enjoying the group he played basketball and soccer with.  But there must be someone telling him he's ugly....some girl making fun of him in front of her friends...some teacher that had it out for him. Right? 

_______________________

He told me who the cool guys in 6th grade were. He pointed them out to me when we were trick or treating with his little sisters. Cool guys were trick or treating with 8th grade girls.  I offered to walk ahead of him so they wouldn't know he was with his mom and he wouldn't get made fun of. He said "They won't make fun of me", very nonchalantly. 

Later that night when Mat had taken over with the door-to-door duties and I was passing out glow sticks to the trick or treaters, I saw the cool kids coming and braced myself for their shitheadedness. 

"Hi! Wow! Glow sticks! How cool!" Cool guy said "Should I grab one, or do you want to choose which one I take?" 

"You can grab 4, and would you like some connectors? They're right here", I said, confused at his sweet demeanor. 

"Really, wow thank you!"  He took four and I accidentally dropped my bowl.  He leaned down to help me pick them up! Him and the other guy told me my shark attack costume was "awesome and savage" and the girls with them smiled and sweetly said thank you as well. 

"Hey doesn't Adrian live here? Tell him we said hey!" 

and then they left. What is life? 

________________________________________

One day, as Adrian was walking next door I noticed an older kid in a black hoodie on a bike ride up beside him and shout something out at him. Adrian waved him away and the kid kept talking to him. Adrian was shaking his head and then walked into his friend's house. 

I spent the next hour creating elaborate scenarios of what that little shithead could've said to my sweet baby angel. Why did he have to seek him out? Why couldn't he just have left him alone?!

When Adrian got inside, I pounced. 

"Who was that big kid that stopped you?" 

"That's Greg. He's in 8th grade." 

"Was he being mean? What did he want?" 

"What? No, he's friends with a girl I walk with and we talk sometimes." 

"It looked like you were arguing." 

"MOM. He's really nice. He just said hi and then told me I was right about these headphones I told him to order on Amazon. We were joking about which is better, playstation or xbox. Stop. No one is mean to me." 

Okay, so maybe Greg wasn't a shithead? 

___________________________________

Adrian wanted to be dropped off at the YMCA so he could play some basketball, rather than coming with me to an eyebrow appointment. I was hesitant because he would be by himself but he said he would just shoot some baskets and he'd keep his phone on him. 

When I picked him up an hour later, he was giddy with happiness. 

"Oh my gosh, Mom. You aren't going to believe what happened!" He squealed

"I was shooting baskets and Jamal Woodruff was playing with his friends at the other end of the court. I knew it was him because I have seen videos of him playing at school. MOM HE IS THE STAR OF OUR MIDDLE SCHOOL BASKETBALL TEAM AND HE'S HUUUUUUUUUUGE."

"Okay", I said, skeptical as all hell where this was going. 

Some 8th grade Lebron James that is the star of the basketball team was there with all his friends and you were in there shooting by yourself, with your palate expander and your little Edmond ankle socks? 

"Go on." 

"So I walked up and asked him if he wanted to play 1X1." 

My stomach and heart and brain all fell out of my belly button and I immediately wanted to call my therapist. 

"and he said YES. I asked him if he was Jamal Woodruff, he said yes again. I told him I knew he was the best basketball player. I told him I'd been working on my 3 pointers." 

WHY IS ADRIAN HAPPY. WHY IS ADRIAN HAPPY RIGHT NOW. 

"So we played twice, and the first time I almost beat him! Then he laughed and told me I was pretty good. But it turns out he was just going easy on me and then we played again and he crushed me. I didn't get a single point." 

"Oh honey", I started "I'm so sorry that happ-"

"Mom, no it was awwwwwwesome! Of course he killed me! But HE TOLD ME I WAS PRETTY GOOD. And he said I could play with him and his friends anytime AND he high-fived me." 

"I can't." I whispered, out of breath. "You just walked up to a group of 8th grade star basketball players and kindly asked for friendship and they just GAVE IT TO YOU? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD?"

I can't figure out if the moral of the story is to not go to middle school in Edmond, Oklahoma or don't be a girl when you go to middle school. Way to go, Charlotte, North Carolina for raising some seriously non-shitty kids.

Also, Adrian? You're a total badass.