You live next door and your mom is pretty? I'm in.
Making friends in middle school was easy.
You are on my softball team and you have a hot brother? Let's do this thing.
Making friends in high school was easy.
You're attractive and rich and people don't bully you? Get in my car.
Making platonic friends as an adult is a non-starter. Basically, imagine that you're trying to find someone to marry you, but you have a 100% guarantee that they don't want to have sex with you. That's why friending is so much harder than dating. For the same reason that living with your boyfriend/girlfriend is so much easier than living with your platonic friend. You always had sex to make things better! Sex fixes everything!
I moved to Charlotte, NC 4 years ago, after having grown up in Edmond, Oklahoma for my actual entire life. Not only did I live in the same town for my conception and birth, I was there for kindergarten through high school graduation and then into college. Then, as though I hadn't given the city enough of my soul, I was raising my own kids there! I basically had a best friend at every restaurant and retail store. Every time I went to Target, it was a high school reunion. My favorite bar was where everyone knew my name and had had sex with all my friends.
But there I was: 32 years old, mother of 3, and without anyone to come over and listen to my hilarious stories.
I noticed that the three girls who lived next door were pretty and were constantly bringing each other salads. They were probably a little younger than me but definitely not too fun for me. When we left our houses at the same time, I would try to make eye contact to no avail. One time I even tried to get adorable 2 year old Collins to yell something out to them as an ice-breaker. Even Collins wasn't here for my desperation.
We had been living there a little over a week when I noticed that we were unable to sit in the backyard anywhere, because we would get dive bombed by large satanic bees.
These were not the cute and fuzzy pollinating bees of yesteryear. They had a huge shiny black ass, and they would get close enough to you and hover; my dad even reached out and touched one. There has nary been one in Oklahoma, I can tell you that.
I am terrified of bees. I knowwwwwww they are good for the earth and for the lord and what not, but they also sting you when you're just trying to drink a juice box while playing soccer.
I decided they had to go. We had a wonderful back deck and tons of trees and we couldn't enjoy it.
Operation kill the bees.
I called my landlord to let him know about the bee problem and he said "Oh, they're just carpenter bees. They don't sting, the males can't even sting, they just dive bomb you to try to scare you away from their women, who are probably burrowed all over the deck and fence."
Oh, cool.
"Yeah, okay, I kinda want to kill them anyways."
He emailed his exterminator and copied me, and the exterminator wrote back and accidentally replied all:
"She wants to kill the carpenter bees! What a nightmare tenant, did you tell her about the males not being able to sting?"
I responded and said "I'm not a nightmare tenant in any way except in the ways related to bees. Thx."
 |
| Why is everyone in Charlotte a judgmental Apiculturist? |
I decided operation kill the bees was the best opportunity to make friends with the hotties next door. I could just "let them know" we'd be spraying or something to the effect.
It was about 1PM on a weekday and I knocked on the door. Anne answered, looked severely disappointed as though she had immediately assumed I was a salesperson. (How had she not noticed me eye stalking her for a week every time she walked to her car?) She looked past me and said "Oh, I only opened the door because I thought you were my roommate, she's bringing me a salad."
Me: *nervous af* Oh, no worries! I just wanted to introduce myself, my name is Mary and I just moved in next door.
Right at that moment, roommate with salad slid in behind me and passed Anne her salad and gave her a look like "eek enjoy her, you're on your own".
Anne: *nods* *raises eyebrows with minimal enthusiasm*
Me: Anyways, I wanted to see what you thought about our bee problem?
Anne: *raises eyebrows but now in a quizzical way*
Me: Have you been in the backyard lately? Our fences and decks are covered with them!
Anne: *Steps out on porch and looks back into the side yard* Oh yeah. We don't go back there.
Me: Okay, I just didn't know if y'all had cats or dogs or anything. They're coming to spray tomorrow. I also wanted to let you know they're carpenter bees, so they don't like pollinate or anything. *laughs* I was kinda wanting to make sure you wouldn't start a strike against me or something to save the bees. *laughs harder* because you know, these ones are just assholes and don't have to be saved.
Anne: Okay, thanks. I gotta go eat my salad real quick, I have to head back to work.
Me: Oh, of course. Me too! I work too. I'm an Account Exec- oh okay, bye!
Anne shuts the door.
I could only laugh at myself as I walked back to my house. I had not had to work to make friends in a loooong time and this was excruciating. Were all my Oklahoma friends just pretending I was fun because I was their only Oklahoma option?
A few days later, Ellis and Collins were playing in the front yard and I was sitting on the porch, on social media, connecting with the only friends I had: cyber. I heard a car pull up next door and a beautiful girl got out. She immediately ran over to my yard and said "HI! I'm Nancy and I live next door! What's your name!?" to Collins and Ellis. They talked to her for a few enthusiastic minutes and then she walked over to the porch to talk to me.
She was a radiant beam of light. She had a gorgeous genuine smile that lit up the universe.
"I'm so sorry I haven't been by to introduce myself, my boyfriend took me to meet his parents in the Outer Banks so I've been gone all week but I couldn't wait to come meet you! I LOVE KIDS. If you EVER need someone to hang out with them, please come over and knock! My roommates don't love kids, but I swear I will come watch them for free at your house anytime. I CANNOT WAIT to have kids!"
I just smiled and nodded and took her in. I loved her immediately. I knew she was much younger than me and seemed more interested in my kids but I needed her in my life.
I asked how long they had lived there, how they knew each other, etc, and then complimented her on the gigantic hydrangea they had in the back. She popped on into the backyard and cut me a huge bouquet and brought it to me.
"We seriously never go back there, if you EVER want to go cut yourself some, please feel free to do so!"
She then headed inside and I pulled a Mary and got to stalking. I pulled up who owned the house, Anne, then pulled her up on facebook and found her friend Nancy. She was 24, wayyyyy too young to be friends with me but maybe I could make her my nanny? Or I could utilize her in some other way because she was a beacon of light in a friendless world.
Then I pulled up Nancy on linkedin.
This was my mistake. I forgot that you can see when people look at your profile on linkedin. Within 4 minutes of meeting her I had already figured out her last name and where she worked and the poor thing must have been terrified. She never brought her radiant face over again and moved in with her boyfriend shortly after.
My Oklahoma friends now use "I thought we could talk about the bees problem?" as a sharp notification that I'm being awkward and to stick with the friends I have.
 |
| Having lunch on a bee-free porch in 2016! |
