I am starting a new denomination called Awesomeism.
If you are about to stab an old lady in the spine so you can steal her milkshake and there's a part of you that says:
"Stop, young child O the night. Though shalt not stab Granny. That ain't nice"
That voice you hear?
Listen to it.
Then, you're a practicing Awesomeist.
Every week all the Awesomeists will gather at Jimmy's Egg, soccer practice, Home Depot, or on the couch in front of Madden. If they don't show up because they had too much to drink the night before or are sleeping off the ambien they took too late, ain't no thang! If they wake up and start rushing around because they're late and can't find their shawl, then that is not Awesome. Not Awesome at all.
Whenever you're Awesome and you go to bed at night, this is the time for you to reflect. Figure out if you've been a good Awesome, or if you've been a royal suckfest dumbass face. Did you have sex with your neighbor's wife? That's not Awesome. Did you give a bum a dollar, a high-five, or a smile? You are first in line to ride my Awesome train.
What about materials? You are probably asking what you can purchase from me to study so you can be a devout follower. Instead of a WWJD bracelet...you should buy a JDGAF bracelet, t-shirt, flask, or porn case. I will provide you with a link as soon as you give me enough money to make another website. Get on it suckas!
I will leave you with a final bible verse from another religion's bible.
2 Kings 2:23-24 NKJV
Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.
Just to clarify- if my kid calls you baldy and you send 2 female bears to maul his face, that is NOT Awesome and you will no longer be welcome at Home Depot.
I've always loved that bit. You'd think after the first thirty or so kids had gotten mauled, the rest would think to run away. Forty-two kids is a lot to get mauled. And you get the impression that these weren't ALL the kids in the prophet-taunting incident. So that would be a lot of kids making fun of his baldness all at once.
ReplyDeleteI am slightly confused - did you mean "denomination" not deMONination which would be more satanic and your examples of awesomeism were not examples of the devil. I am also wondering where this came from?
ReplyDeleteSign me up!
ReplyDeleteI take it that Awesomeism is meant to be broken down, like "Awe-so-ME-ism"? If that is the case, and the religion/ cult centers around the "ME" part of the "ME-ism", then I want in on the ground level. I am already a practicing "ME-ism" (for short) member, as I frquently think about me and how certain events or actions will affect me. For example, if I make milkshakes for dessert then I will be required to share them with The Husband and my 2 sons thus using up all the ice-cream (see--this affects ME badly). However, I have learned it is much more smartest to make my milkshake in the middle of the night (with a little Kahlua thrown in, duh) then I do not have to share.
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear Mary, for giving my religion a name!
best,
MOV
I'm giggling REALLY hard.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to meet up at Jimmy's Egg, please come to the one I work at so I can be entertained. That would be awesome.
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