Sometimes you ain't getting satisfied-

"Sometimes, you're going to get a boner and you're not going to be able to do anything about it."



I have uttered these words about 7 times in the last few days, and the response I get is not unlike my 2 year old when I tell her she can't stick her hands in the toilet. Scheer and utter frustration, confusion, and wellthenimgoingtodosomethingelseequallyasgrossness.



Meet Rocky- We adopted Rocky from Oklahoma Yorkie Rescue. Somebody dropped him off at the shelter and he's been in foster care for almost a year. We decided to open our virgin home to him 5 days ago.

Did you just use the word virgin to describe your home Mary Berry?



Yes, I did.



Rocky is a netuered male giant yorkie, weighing in at almost 21 lbs. When the foster mother dropped him off at our house on Sunday morning, we were enamored. He stayed in the yard. He was fully housetrained. He laid down when we asked him to and ran happily to his new crate without whining. When my Mom came over to say hi and meet her new horny granddog, he barked. Yay for barking at strangers! Too bad our 50 pound pit bull won't do the same when someone BREAKS INTO OUR HOUSE WHILE WE ARE SLEEPING.

Anyways.



The first evening we had him, Adrian and I were laying on my bed with Rocky and watching How to Train your Dragon (which we watch every night) when I heard Adrian giggle with naive happiness. I look down in time to see this.

Mary: ROCKY! NO!

Adrian: Mom, it's okay! It doesn't hurt. He's giving me a cute hug!



I gather my thoughts on how to explain this to a 6 year old.



Awkward Mary: You know how you get grossed out when I kiss Daddy when I'm feeling lovey towards him? Well...this is kind of like that.....except Rocky is trying to kiss you with his penis....like you're a girl dog...kind of...

At this point I feel a wet pink rocket against my leg.

Mary: ROCKY! NO!



Adrian: So he can't kiss you with his penis either?  Can you explain it better please, Mom. I don't understand.



Mary: ROCKY NO! NO! NO NO NO! GET OFF OF ME! AHHHHHH! ROCKY NO!



Adrian: Mom, I think it's the blanket that he's kissing with his penis.



Mary: Adrian stop saying "kissing with his penis" I'll explain it better in a minute. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHY IS HE HUMPING EVERY ITEM AND HUMAN ON THE BED?



(I push Rocky off the bed)

(Rocky moans and groans and sticks his legs flat against the carpet and starts running in a circle, barking at his disgusting doggy hard on, and getting some sort of sick satisfaction from the friction of the carpet.)



Mary: ROCKY! STOP IT!



(Rocky rolls over in frustration and then rolls over again. He is half barking half moaning. He continuously is rolling over in what appears to be a blue balls temper tantrum)



Mary: ROCKY! Sometimes you are going to get boners and there is nothing you are going to be able to do about it!



Adrian: Stop yelling at him Mama! (crying) It's okay if he hums me. (pouting) What is a boner?




I have come to the conclusion that the following things give my new dog an erection:

Female shoes
Blankets of any sort
A hello or a nice pat
Pillows
Stuffed Animals
My children
Stretching my legs out
Charlie the gunea pig
How to Train your Dragon

...and pretty much any other noun or verb you can think of

We have started spraying him in the face with a water bottle when he starts going to town like he's hanging out with Jenna Jamison. It has already worked. He is clearly very confused why Ellis is not pleased with his making sweet love to her head. This confusion is caused by him getting sprayed in the face. He shakes off, then looks at me like "really? wtf."



Rocky needs to think about his life choice and he might just need to find Jesus.


P.s. I STILL haven't been able to explain the action to Adrian. Advice is appreciated.