Email me. sharkymary@gmail.com Seriously.

My son is sweet and wants me to be happy. He knows nothing makes me happier than people getting their ass bit by a shark.

He walks into the house proudly yesterday and says with an exagerrated building to a surprise..."...IIIII knnoooww soooommeethhinggg that willl makkke you happpyyyyy....!" As he picks up the remote and waits for me to start jumping up and down with anticipation.

Since I am a working mother of two, I rarely show the kind of enthusiasm I should, and instead said "Sit down and find something to do while I make you something unhealthy for dinner."

"MOM! It's something called 'shark week'. I know you love sharks so just tell me what numbers to push to make shark week go on the TV."

"Adrian, you're going to watch shark week with me!?!?? You are so sweet. Let's go get my stuffed shark to hold while we watch. And my shark cookies to eat. Oh my gosh this will be so sharkyfun!"

We eat dinner in front of the TV. Adrian doesn't even seem to be disappointed that we're watching this instead of some unrealistically hot middle schooler making jokes she can't possibly understand on a web show.

The first show we watch is about shark attacks. I already know all about them since they've played the same shark shows on shark week since 1987 AND I have them all on DVD. Because I am really sexy.

I get a little bored and start thinking about mint creme oreos and walk to the kitchen. When I come back in,  a few minutes later with black teeth, there is an ACTUAL home video of a lady getting attacked by a 16 foot great white shark while swimming near her cruise ship. It's horrifying.

I quickly grab the remote and change it to something less traumatizing. Like True Blood.

Adrian hasn't said anything in a while. I kind of bite my lip and do some dancing and try not to catch his eye.

Mary: Adrian....do you want some money and a trampoline bed?

Adrian:...........................

Mary: Do you want Mommy to start going to church?

Adrian:................................

Mary: Here. Here's some Tylenol PM.

Adrian: Why. Do. You. Like. Sharks.

Mary: Ummm......I'm...sorry?

Adrian: He just bit a nice lady's leg off when she wasn't even being mean to anybody.

Mary: I know. They don't actually like the way humans taste. Most of the time they just think we are another animal and once they bite us they go away because we taste like non gel-cap aspirin.

Adrian:  Why would you like something that swims up and bites somebody?

Mary: Listen, I know that was scary bu-

Adrian: No. I am not scared. But we need to sit down and talk about why you LIKE SHARKS.

Adrian: (hands me back my stuffed bull shark)

Adrian: (grabs the remote and turns off the TV)

Adrian: (walks to the couch and lays down on it to think about his mom's life choices)

Adrian: When we saw the sharks at the aquarium, they didn't try to bite us through the glass. So....the sharks you like...are nice... right?

Mary: YEAH! I only like bull sharks. They don't bite people. They just eat mean fish that were....already...sick and dying anyway...

Adrian: But you told Daddy you liked them because they bite unsuspecting stupid asses in fresh water rivers....?



Mary: Did I say that? We'll talk about it another time, okay? Yay! Friendship, rainbows, and nilla wafers! Let's go take a bath.


Adrian: I'll get Ellis. While YOU take the shark toy out of our bathtub.