I'd give you everything I've got

Last night I had a anyeurism in my neck. I don't know if that's how you spell anyurism or really, what an anurism is, but it is just meant to invoke a stupid amount of sympathy.

So my neck was septic and Husband with one T told me I could take one of his muscle relaxers. I was reluctant, because I had not eaten yesterday and was worried it would be too strong for little Mare. It makes me feel really petite and cute to call myself little and give myself nicknames.

He assured me it would be fine and informed me he took more than one a day on an empty stomach. I downed it with an entire bottle of water and ran myself a bath with eucalyptus bath salt and slid my slender and tan lithe physique into the bathing version of hydrocodone and picked up a book to try to relax.

My chin fell into the water and I realized I was drooling and talking to myself with a New Zealand accent.

One T had poisoned me with his sympathetic pain/love and I was now going to die.

I stumbled back into the bedroom and managed to make it to my side of the bed. I didn't dry myself off or take off my earrings.

Mat came back in the bedroom after turning off the lights and I was fast asleep like a little mousketeer. He turned the fan on, turned on the lights and went to either play video games or scream cuss words at news anchors.

From my own memories, Mat's testimony, and the evidence, this is how my evening went last night.

I fell asleep sometime between 8 and 8:07, because the kids were in bed at 8 and I took one bite of a gordita at 8:01.

I woke up sometime between 8:07 and 11 and took off my jewelry and ate a Reeses peanut butter cup. I chose not to throw away the trash from it, and snuggled with it instead.

Mat came back to the room at 11 and brushed his teeth. This required turning on the light and apparently that is one of the seven deadly sins in wife passedoutness land.

Mary: MAT!

Mat: What, baby?

Mary: MAT!!!! MAT!!! Scmeniddity farkle goon gra.

Mat: I'm right here. What?

Mary: What are you doing?

Mat: Brushing my teeth and coming to bed.

Mary: (whimper)

Mat: Go back to sleep.

Mary: Why are you trying to say things that confuse me?

Mat: Baby, I'm not. Go back to fucking sleep.

Mary: I don't. (whimper) Know. What's. Real.

Mat: ..........................................

Mary: Gong. Framouth.

Mat: ...................................................

Mary: MAT!

Mat: I'm here. But seriously. Stop saying things and go back to sleep.

Mary: Real?

Mat: Yes, it's all real. Just go to sleep.

Mary: You're so mean, man.

Mat: Um, don't call me man. And I know I'm horrible. Stop moving your mouth and pushing sound from your vocal chords.

I woke up at 1:42 a.m. and ordered Jaycee Dugards book on my Kindle. I read 2 pages and fell back asleep with my Kindle on my chest. I also chugged at least one bottle of water. There may have been a bathroom break but it's unclear.

I woke up at 3:25 and chugged a bottle of water. I made 2 notes on an orange post-it pad that said:

I then ate one bite of a starcrunch and left the rest of it on the couch.

I wikipedia'd "narcissism" because I admitted to myself that I had used the word twice the previous day without actually knowing what it meant. I read enough about narcissism that I made my phone die. I evidently considered a new career because I also had "how can I help narcissistic people" in my browser history.

I read Jaycee Dugard's entire book and put lotion on my feet. I scratched my ankle on something.

I went back to bed but could not sleep so I drank two more bottles of water and flossed my teeth. I turned off the alarm and sat on the back porch for 40 seconds, then realized it was scary as ass to be outside by yourself at 4:30, in nothing but a snowflake blanket.

I took a shower, straightened my hair, and googled pessimist on my phone that was plugged in in the bathroom. I realized I thought pessimist and narcissist were the same thing and I should figure out if I was right so I could use both of them. I read about pessimism for almost 40 minutes in my sweaty bathroom and considered taking another shower.

I accidentally took 3 vitamins.

I woke up my children and forgot to put on deodorant.

I've been up since 3 AM and the too much vitamin in my system has made my lips swell like I have Human Papillomo Virus.

Everybody have a cute weekend! Kisses!





***The note I vaguely remember had to do with me not being able to figure out what was real and what wasn't because I hadn't finished my Taco Bell burrito. I thought it would make a good blog but upon further investigation realized it made me sound narcissistic and pessimistic.