Just Inappropriate: Time is of the Something

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Time is of the Something

There's some quote about time that I would like to include in this post. I can't find it, though. Something to do with the only thing that is going to change is time, which won't really be a change since you can't have something that is constant be considered a change.

So, yeah, just know you would have been really inspired and moved by this quote.

Today is January 31, 2012.

20 years ago today, I was 8. (I work in banking, so I'm real good at math). I was in Mrs. Rogers' third grade class. Mrs. Rogers looked like a cocker spaniel, was two hundred years old, and loved the Brooklyn Dodgers. Is that a team? That's all up in the memory in a crevice I didn't know was there, but I guarantee it that 76% of the time it's always right. She had a calendar with different messages to her on the Dodger's stadium board thing for each month. One time, I threw a book in the dumpster to keep another mean girl in my class from reading it. Ol Roger Dodger knew it was me because we she watched me do it, but waited until after school to keep me a little bit longer. Then she spun me around in a circle 52 times and told me she was turning my life around and I would never act like such a crazy emotional bitch again. I really wish she had channeled more cocker spaniel magic into that turn around, so I wouldn't cry in the fetal position when my husband looks at another female or at previews for whales stuck under the ice.

10 years ago today, I was 18. I worked at a restaurant called Applewoods that gave you donuts before your meal and had the best soup EVER that was made with Coors light and Cheez Whiz. mmmmm. I still lived at home with my parents, and I didn't have any romantic prospects. I was so incredibly innocent. I remember a male co-worker talking about a few of the guys we worked with that were from Albania: "Yeah, have you ever heard them talk in their language? It's the weirdest language I've ever heard...sounds like chinese and spanish and throwing up or something. Have you ever fucked any of them?"

"uh...what"

"The Albanians"

"I've never forked anyone. Why would you ask me something like that?"

"Oh, I was just making conversation"

This kind of conversation was a little higher caliber than I was used to at my musical rehearsals and high-school job at the local pharmacy. I would grow to be much easily less offended, as you have to be in the restaurant/being an adult/married to Mat business.

I was going on a lot of auditions that month. I auditioned in Chicago for The Disney Cruise line and Japan Disneyworld. I wanted it so bad. I wasn't good enough to even finish my song. I think they let me get about 4 bars in and then abruptly stopped me and told me to go back to Oklahoma and serve some more cheez whiz soup. There was a girl who was before me that had huge, long, blond hair that fell in perfect waves down to her teeny tiny waist.

Mary: Your hair is so beautiful.

Perfection: Thanks, I wear it straight for print.

M: Oh yeah. Print. Sometimes I wear a push up bra for when my mom takes pictures of me.

P: Which parks have you worked at?

M: I haven't worked at any parks. I...

I then went into a ridiculous shitshow of lies about local theatre, touring as Cosette in Les Miserable, and being awarded the key to my city. I also had nothing on her, so I super duper played up my southern accent to make me more charming than her. It was obnoxiously musical theatreish as it could be, I'm sure. It turns out she had already played Ariel at two different Disney resorts and was there for her 4th call back for Japan Disney's Ariel. I also remember I was wearing khakis and a sweater (seriously) and she had on a teeny white dress that looked like it was made with tissue paper. I'm sure she got it and I'm making loans.

Whatevs though, I like to imagine her with lots of plastic surgery and passive-aggressive bible quotes all over a bulletin board that doesn't also have pictures of a hot husband and two adorable children. Suck it, daughter of the sea king.

5 years ago today, I was 23. I was sad and lonely and had just gotten divorced from a busboy I met as an innocent conversationalist at the above mentioned Applewoods. Adrian was 2. I lived in an apartment that I never cleaned or decorated. I paid a place about $90 a month to do all my laundry but I couldn't afford cable or internet. Adrian would watch Curious George every day, and I would watch Mean Girls every night before I went to bed. Doesn't this sound awful? I wish I could go back to that point and tell myself to pay my car payments and put down the french fries...because things are about to get a lot better.

2 years ago today, I was 26. I was marrying my wonderful guy, Mat. What he lacks in t's he makes up for in responsibility and awesomeness. We had been together for close to 3 years and we had a 9 month old we had endured months and months of medical problems with. He's loved me big and small, blond or brunette, crazy or sweet, poor or poor. (ha)