Pounds of ham

My wonderfully hilarious and joyful friend and former co-worker Kelsey made working at the big bank bearable.

Our days were full of old rich people yelling at us to sell more of their bank products or else we'd have another conference call.

During these conference calls they would make sure and remind us of how successful Cathy Sinclair was at the northwest branch and could she please read some letters from her adoring customers to inspire us?

Cathy Sinclair was a suck up lame face. Not to mention really short.

"...and so...just when I thought Cathy Sinclair was done with her exceptional customer service...I was WRONG. She remembered my name and used it 4 times in the same sentence! When she walked us to our car and opened our doors for us she noticed a couple of spots on our passenger side door. She used her fingers and tried to rub them off but they were just the most stubborn spots on God's green earth! She ended up licking the car exterior until it was so shiny that I decided to open up a $25,000 CD and donate to her church's fund for extradited prostitutes......"


We would all roll our eyes at Cathy reading HER OWN PRAISES and hope, just hope, that the 5th time we'd heard that damn letter would be the last.

They'd finish the conference call with a prayer of Cathy and then we'd get back to work.

The call didn't motivate us to sell more stuff. It just motivated us to prank Cathy.





Kelsey in insanely old lady voice: HELLO? IS THIS THE SAVINGS AND LOAN? 

Cathy: Why, this is The Big Bank ma'am. Can I get your name before we get started?

Kelsey: I'M AT WAL-MART AND MY DEBIT CARD IS GETTING DECLINED AND THAT JUST ISN'T ALL RAHT. NAME'S RUTH.

Cathy: Okay I'll be happ-

Kelsey: YOU'LL BE HAPPY THAT'S RIGHT YOU'LL BE HAPPY. I'VE GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI, SO WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE IN TWO SHAKES OF A VIRGINS ASS.

Cathy: Yes, Ruth. I love helping you with this problem already and we are going to get you squared away okay little jam jar? What's your account num-

Kelsey: ZERO FAHV ZERO FAHV FOUR TWO SIX SEVEN EIGHT FOUR.

Cathy: Hmm that account number doesn't seem to be com-

KELSEY: DID I MENTION I GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DAMN DELI? DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSED IM GONNA BE TO TAKE BACK ALL THAT MEAT THAT ALREADY DONE BEEN SLICED UP BACK TO THE DELI? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN 1986 THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY BACK SHAVED BY THE MAN I WAS TRYING TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH.

Cathy: no no no sweet dear, we don't want that! Now, what's your social?

Kelsey: SCHNOGGING NOSSIN FOUR SCHEMBERLENGER SIX OID;FGSGHOSH

Cathy: Well....I can't seem to find it by that so-

KELSEY: THIS IS RIDICULOUS I'VE BEEN BANKING THERE FOR 43 YEARS!

Cathy: Ma'am that must be the problem you have called the wrong bank, we haven't been open that lo-

KELSEY: I HAVE 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A HISTORY LESSON?!?!?!?!

Cathy::........(typing)...... Ummmmmm

Kelsey: LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Cathy: Uh well I am the manager. I'm sorry I can't find you in the system. Ummmmm.. Ummmm..... Uhhhhh....errr..... (type type type)

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(type type type)


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Cathy: I think it's the type of debit card you're using. Looks here like you qualify for our Rewards Triple Fangled Visa Credit card. How about we get you all set up for that right now, Ruth?




And that's why Cathy gets to be the star of the conference calls.