My Inappropriate 2011

I am giving you a synopsis of my awesomely inappropriate year through my Facebook statuses. Please enjoy!


January-

Listening to my Ipod, Adrian says "Oh wow. I used to love this song when I was young." He's 6. It was "Beast of Burden" by the Rolling Stones.

That little ballerina needs Jesus and some Xanax. Damn!

I've been chewing gum all day to keep from snacking and just realized that sugar-free gum is NOT calorie-free. I've had 240 calories worth of Dubble Bubble and my poor stomach is growling.

It's going to be really hard to get to American Idol next year now that I no longer have Helmet Baby. I'm going to have to get me a dying kitten or something.

Me: Are you going on Friday? Friend: The last time I went to Groovy's I puked on the dog and almost ended up single. I'm kind of leery of going again.

Text quote from friend: "Have you ever tried to text on. Ambien and it almost like video game."

I don't think I do anything with less enthusiasm and effort than wiping off the machines at the gym after I'm done.

The guy who works at the gas station next door to my work just scolded me for buying a hot dog while I'm on a bikini diet. I talk to strangers too much.

February

I wish I liked almonds. Everyone says they're good for me. But they seriously taste like anorexia.

Seeing the sun finally shine today makes me want to punch Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby in the bathing suit parts a little less.

"You look so good ma'am, you make me want to come out of retirement." Old man to me today at Panera. I'm not sure what that means, sir, but I'm certain it's the best compliment I've ever received.

Who wants to watch Ellis for me so I can go to the gym? Yeah, I'll let anyone. Including all you weirdos I haven't seen since 1992.

New rule: If it's been a year since I've seen you and you don't know my middle name the etiquette is the "smile and wave" not the "stop to chat".

Adrian just asked me if I was wearing Apple Bottom jeans. Someone needs to have Flo Rida taken off his Ipod.

It's hard being me. I'm always sure I'm right, but I'm pretty much always wrong.

March

There's nothing better in life than pretty teeth and hot dogs.



Yesterday: "Mary, don't get so close to that donkey. It's a wild animal. I'm serious." Mat. Today after my nap: "I pet a donkey today! Right on the nose!

"Look at my wife again, Blue eyes, and I'll throw your ass overboard and won't tell anybody for twenty minutes"

I just had a dream that Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Belair was living in my trash can. I was like, "Carlton what the hell are you doing here?", then saw how sad he was and said "Sorry I called you Carlton. I just don't know your real name".



Somehow, "Lunch is on me!" from a satisfied customer loses something when it's followed by "How about Taco Mayo?!"

Me: Shaka's gonna get him some tonight! Mat: Yeah, but he's married. 
UMMMMM?

April

I lie when I put in my weight on the treadmill. LIIIIIEEEEEEESSSS!



I know you're pretty, Mom. I just don't know if you're as really pretty as the girl on Step Up." Adrian
Damn you, Jenna Dewan.

When my alarm went off this morning, I "answered" it and mumbled something about Republicans and gummy bears then threw it on the floor. Ambien has morning after effects.



Ellis said "uh oh" and pointed to her hand. I kissed her hand better and it turns out she was uh-ohing a bug in her hand, which then got on my mouth. #imdonehavingkids #Ineedsomewine #wheresallmypunctuation

It's just super creepy how much I've been googling pictures of Pippa Middleton today.



May

Me: I love my jewelry box Adrian, did you pick this out just for me? Adrian: No no, my Nana had just had it in her closet for like, ten years.



Engagement pictures are SO lame that they make me uncomfortable. You may as well just send everyone a picture of you and your future spouse making awkward love on the railroad tracks.

Mat: Well, Mommy wins the award for the most shoes in the living room. Adrian: Well she also wins the award for the NICEST so the shoes don't even matter. Adrian should write a book for Mat.



A customer just told me she heard I was a really "neat lady", which is a statement about as complimentary as "You should go see Mary. She's a human. Who breathes."




I want to wear my Thunder shirt to the game tonight, but I just feel like Ibaka deserves a dress.

"I hope the tornado shelter we're going to has hot dogs" Adrian


June

Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful Ellis! Who knew your Daddy looking hot in Hawaii 2 years and 9 months ago would make such a fun surprise!

Shut up, edamame. No one actually knows what wattage their microwave is so stop giving me directions that rely upon that information. You're going back in the freezer and I'm going to Mcdonalds.



I hate it that I love Twinkies because it's always what the exaggeratedly fat people in movies eat.



Awwwww. Tornadoes. You're real cute. Sure hope I get to see you tonight. Kisses!

I left an Oreo in my car and the cream melted into a liquid. It's the most delicious air freshener I've ever smelled. I need to get in talks with Glade.



Sarah McClachlan...I will give you thousands of dollars if you will just stop pictures of dogs missing eyeballs.

July

If I had an unlimited amount of money, I would just keep having babies. They would start a show about me called "Baby Hoarders". They'd find babies under my bed and in my tool shed.

A spider just fell out of my hair while I was cleaning out my car. I think my tradition of Showerless Saturdays should come to an end. I wanted to kiss the spider though, for the mere fact that he wasn't a wasp.



I hate the gap in between the two chest buttons. It's all, "Hey, I know the rest of your shirt fits great but I'm going to screw that up and ensure you look slightly slutty mmkay!"



How come when I lose a pound or two, Jesus takes it from my crow's feet instead of my waist?



Middle-aged men getting a snow cone by themselves is 92% creepy and 8% bless their hearts.

"There was a boy looking at you in that car because you're cute. I think he was thinking whoever gets to be your husband is lucky." Adrian......Gah I need three more little boys.

Adrian to Ellis "Ellis, stop trying to be miss Cutie Pants after you spilled my drink"



Since I don't feel like getting cute...I just put on a Nike shirt, workout pants, and tennis shoes so people will think "aw she just looks homeless because she just got done with a really hard workout"



August

With all these people talking about Pinterest, I tried to get a login. When they told me I was on the waiting list, I sent them an email saying they were all elitist pin-havers and I hope they choke and die. I had already hit send when I saw my invitations...

Changing your profile picture is pretty much just saying "I think I look really pretty in this picture"

Mary: Thank God I only ate one cheese roll up last night or else I'd feel like a fat kid. Mat: uhhhh Taco bell accidentally gave us three extra tacos and you ate all of them...then fell out of bed and landed in your trash can.



I had a dream last night I found out my real Dad was a transformer named Austin Vick



I really wish photographers would stop shoving newborns into odd objects for photographic opportunities

I just don't understand why the rats have fupas on the Kia Soul commercials

I hate when my iPod is on random and blares "Back that ass up" when I'm putting Ellis into her carseat at daycare.



September

When I am having a bad day, I just remember I'm not holding up a sign outside Little Caesars or treating my bacne.



This weather can get in bed with me tonight if he promises to stick around. I love him.



(While working on Adrian's school project) Mat: We don't want to give her a pink shirt. She'll look like a stripper. Adrian: Daddy, what's a stripper? Mat: Son, a stripper is a woman who takes off her clothes for money...................................Me: ummm........really....?



"I see you wore your paint pants to the bus stop. That's....nice....Do you have other pants for next time?" Adrian



I ate some rice cakes that were in my parents pantry and thought they kind of tasted like dead insects. Not deterred, I ate the whole pack. Only to discover they expired in June of 2008.



I can tell I won't like a girl when Facebook friend suggests her to me and we have 26 mutual friends, all of whom are men. Single men. Who may or may not have dated one or all of my friends.

October

"I don't know why that sign says 'Buy for Less'. My Nana spent 300 dollars there. That's not 'less.'' Adrian



Lady to her Husband at Target: "Why don't you stop thinking about your Cowboys losing and start being happy you have a family to grocery shop with." Poor. Guy.



Having a day with no kids and no work is fuuunnnnnn. It feels like 2002. All I need is some Nelly, a car with 200k miles, and a giant curling iron for curling my hair perfectly under.



Have you ever thought you looked cute, then taken a picture of yourself with your iPhone only to discover you look like a cross-eyed 45 year old?

I shouldn't have to go 13 MPH because a cyclist is trying to have trimmer thighs and a healthy heart!



November



I just ripped off my sunglasses as a menacing gesture to a man trying to cut me off. It doesn't get more badass than that.



"Ma'am you sure do talk a lot." 70 year old cowboy I was dancing with



I'm having coffee and kindness for breakfast this morning....and a bagel



Every time I have a thought, my mind takes that thought and tries to turn it into a Facebook status. Including this one.



Just saw a girl bawling on her walk home school. I stopped my car and asked if she was all right and she took off sprinting, terrified,  and looking back in my direction. #imnotaraper



"Rule of life number 37: Mom's shouldn't go in the attic." Adrian


That's all for this year folks. Hopefully next years posts will all be about wealth, skinniness, and perfect decision-making. I vow at that moment to immediately quit blogging and give myself a papercut.