10 things that most definitely actually happened at my 10 year reunion

1. Nobody on earth thinks I'm more hilarious than me.

 I walked up to a very obviously pregnant friend from high school and said, "I feel like you've really let yourself go and it's disgusting. You've gained a ton of weight in your middle section" then laughed at my joke obnoxiously but genuinely and went in for the hug.

She was immediately mortified and I'm 90% sure she wanted to front-kick my jaw bone. She said "I didn't even want to come, I told my husband I felt so gross. I know. Why am I even here?"

I obnoxiously and genuinely then went into a monologue about how beautiful and glowing she was. I insulted a sweet prego girl whose baby now hates Edmond North High School, all so I could make myself laugh.

2. My husband and I happened to witness my friend we'll call Julie go up to a very good-looking and girlfriended guy in our graduating class. She whispered something in his ear and then sat down on his lap like she was about to tell him she wanted some of that for Christmas. It was as though his attractive yet committed lap had a hot girl ass-sensor, because the second Julie touched down we witnessed his hot girlfriend tear across the room like a lap FBI agent and said something so angry in his ear that it made me slap my own husband.

He immediately pushed Julie off, who was in a fun oblivious bliss, and chased his girlfriend.

Mat and I made funny conversations for them while we watched them arguing, until one of hot guy's friends awkwardly and drunkenly entered the conversation unaware of what was going on.

3. Probably the smartest kid in our class was there for both events. I always thought he was quirky and fun, but never saw him outside of school. We'll call him Simon. I had heard Simon was a scientist. I immediately went up and talked to him when I saw him, because I was dying to know if all that intelligence had made him slightly crazy and socially inept.

Two hours later he was leaning back on his back hand and humping the air while I shouted "RUDE BOY BOY IS YOU BIG ENOUGHHHH" and did a couple jazz squares around him.

Then I tried to get girls to go home with him because he kicked so much ass. All my friends are married and kept making me drink water.



3. I was in the middle of a conversation with 3 very conservative, successful, attractive and intimidating people I wanted to BE in high school when a drunk guy that had bought me a drink came up and said



"Heyguyssss. Dis girllll. She. yeahhh she showed me her boobs on the back of the vocal music bus".


I was horrified because that had indeed not happened. I did show him my bra, while we were playing truth or dare. That's the kind of lame stuff you do in 1999 when you're on a vocal music trip, okay? Stop judging.

Oh. And I failed to convince them that he was lying AND I awkwardly walked away to talk to the kids that made bad choices.



4. A girl I was friends with and I had this conversation. It was so cute.

Mary: Heyyyy! Are you leaving? Oh no! Will you be here tomorrow night?

Mary-HATER: No. Hell no. I'm only here because he made me come.

Mary: Oh no. Well that sucks. What else have you been up to? (my arm is swung around her shoulder like she's my niece)

Hater: Well I know you're married and have kids, and I just got out of a 6 year relationship.

Mary: Oh my god, right before your high school reunion? That's awful, I'm sorry.

Hater: Don't feel sorry for me. I'm actually happy.

Mary: I honestly cannot believe how much you fell off the face of the earth. I literally have not seen you for 10 years.

H: Why don't you stop being fake. Who gives a shit that we haven't seen each other for 10 years.

Mary: Um. well. I guess. Me. I guess me gives shits.

H: WE WEREN'T FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU DIDN'T TALK TO ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Mary: But. We got arrested together junior year and sang together in the school talent show.

H: YOU'RE THINKING OF MIDDLE SCHOOL. WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EACH OTHER.

Mary: Okay. Well...it was nice to lose my self esteem by talking to you and seeing the hatred burn from the core.  You don't have any wrinkles.

I can honestly say there is no way I will ever see this girl again. I deleted her from Facebook, which everyone knows is the ultimate "Eff you" from those of us who are non-confrontational.

Another thing that sucks about my life is that prego girl that I insulted in happening #1 witnessed the entire thing.



5. When the Single Ladies song came on at the end of the night, after I'd had some drinks, I ran up to the stage to do it and knocked someone over on the way. I cared so much about showing off the fact that I learned a Beyonce dance alone in my living room that I KNOCKED SOMEONE OVER and didn't give NO shits about their fall.

Oh. And my friend Andrew took a video. Can't wait for that to surface.



Andrew and I making non-awkward smiles

6. This is what I put in the reunion directory. Nobody else. Not one single person had a funny/sarcastic entry.

Someone took a picture of it and posted it on Facebook, that's how noteworthy and stand out it was.

 

7. What I thought were the good kids told me they were actually potheads. I wouldn't even cuss or run my fingers through my hair when I was around them because I thought they were so innocent and fragile. I got home 30 minutes late to the babysitter after the reunion had ended because I ended up walking around to ALL the people I thought were goodys and asking what kind of drugs and sexual activity they were doing in high school.

Turns out....I was honestly the only lame one who kept the goods locked up and refrained from the reefer. Seriously.

8. My bestie Kendal saw a guy we had known for a long time but hadn't seen in a few years. If anyone has a picture of Tanner from that night, please send it to me. Kendal drunkenly walks up to him and tells him he looks like he owns a yacht. Funniest thing I've ever heard. Doesn't this guy absolutely look like he would be talking about his yacht? (Will post a pic as soon as I get it). Don't get me wrong, he's handsome and fun. But he totally has to own a yacht.

9. I played, "Who grew the nicest ass?" by myself while my husband boredly played with his Iphone. This girl won. Then when I posted about it on Facebook, one of my friends gchats me and tells me he tried to slap her on the rear at "the club" but she didn't want any of his white chocolate. How does this stuff happen and my antics always manage to uncover them?!? Amazing.

10.  I was looking for the guy that was an officer of our class, and finally spotted him. I felt bad that I hadn't talked to him about his life and was instead only asking him how I got access to a directory, so I went out of my to tap him on the shoulder and hug him strongly, then keep my arm around his shoulder while I asked him how he was doing. He told me he was doing great and he's sorry, but he doesn't remember me.

Ouch. That one hurts. I laughed and said "Ethan, are you serious? It's Mary. You're silly. Where do I get a directory?"

Blue shirt guy: My name's not Ethan. My wife is over there and I came with her, I didn't graduate with you guys.

Fail. I find his wife in the room and go to tell her what happened. He was really nice about it and said he always accepts hugs from strange women. I made a joke again to his wife.

"I think it's really inappropriate that your husband is hitting on me."

Nobody laughed. It's hard being me.

Love this awkward pic these girls took

Can you find me!?

We all ended up in black because we trying to look skinny for all the haters.