Marigold....ish

I was a filthy little liar when I was a kid. I had decided what I would do is tell people lies to make myself look better and distract from my unfortunate hair. If the people called me out on these lies in front of my mom, then I would say..


"Ohhhh, you misunderstood me. I said I had a FRIEND that did that."

It was fool proof. Who could argue with that?

In 1st grade, when I was on an "Annie" kick, I told everyone who would listen that I lived in an orphanage. The only reason I had clothes is because I stole them from a laundry basket once when I escaped. The reason I was so scrawny and my hair was like straw was because all I ate was porridge and I had to bathe in fire hydrants when Miss Hannigan wasn't looking. I was hoping and praying and singing for a nice family to adopt me and take me home.

My teacher called me out on that one. She heard me telling Kara that we didn't have anyone with red hair at my orphanage and told the 2 people who were still interested that I did not live in an orphanage but what an amazing imagination I had! I could have chainsawed Mrs. Tansel on that day in 1990. I wasn't to be deterred though.

"I didn't mean orphanage. What I meant is that I live in an APARTMENT."

Where we lived, nobody lived in apartments, so this was an even bigger deal than me being parentless and criminal.

"....yeah it's crazy....we have to walk up stairs to get to our door and we don't even have homeowners insurance. Sometimes the doorman gives me Fun-Dips and calls me Sally."

I kept that lie up until 5th grade, when suddenly living in an apartment was embarrassing and and not cool anymore.


My Dad calls me "Marigold" and always has. This was the perfect opportunity for some lies. I told everyone in 2nd grade that my real name was Marigold but they could call me "Mary" for short. I said the last part while winking and doing a fake gun with my thumb and forefinger. That would make my name Marigold Flowers. It got me a lot of negative attention. But I realized then, as I do now, that negative attention is still attention and makes me happier than nonchalantness.

I had to keep up that lie for a long time, into middle school. Everyone kept REMEMBERING it and sticking around in the same school district. I was like,

'WHY DON'T ALL YOU PEOPLE WITH 'MEMORIES' MOVE TO CANADA? THAT'S WHERE I LIVED FOR THE FIRST 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND IT'S A LOT BETTER THAN HERE!"

Then started the lie that I was born and lived in Canada. I even made a poster of my "birthplace" to hang on the 5th grade wall. I was terrified my mother would see it and call me out on it in front of all the girls who wore loafers with tassels on them. My mother was born in Canada, so I used her stories and turned them into mine. Including the time a polar bear got into "my" trash.

I even made up a story about crashing through some ice and swimming to rescue a baby turkey that was struggling in the frozen water.

I sure as hell hope my children are smart enough in 5th grade to say "Um, that's bullshit. You'd be frozen and dead and uglier than you are now. And turkeys don't swim in ice."

I hope my kids don't say bullshit in fifth grade.

When I lost the 2nd round of the spelling bee on the word "perjury", I lied and said I lost it on the word "Mozzerella" which probably isn't even spelled right there. I knew I'd gain more sympathy and understanding than I would being a 10 year-old that thinks pergury is just fine with a g.

I would suck on red popsicles like it was paying the bills...then tell everyone in 6th grade that my mom gave me some red lipstick.


Worst lie I've ever told: When the people who sold the most on the school fundraiser got a trophy, I told everyone my parents owned a trophy shop and they were giving me the biggest trophy in the store, just for being awesome.

Worst lie to stick around: Definitely Marigold. I could not let that one go.

21 years after I told that lie, someone came up to called me Marigold, then told her husband that was my real name.

I laughed and slapped her on the ass and then pointed to something pretty.