Women are Crazy and (because) Men are Stupid

My friend and I decided long ago we would write a book entitled "Women are Crazy and Men are Stupid".

Isn't that inevitably what every single fight you and your partner have boils down to?

If I wasn't crazy, and he wasn't dumb, we wouldn't be having this fight. In fact, if I was more like him, and he was more like me, then we would probably be sitting on the floor alternating wrestling and singing kumbaya.

Not that that would be any funner than throwing it down. I thrive on drama.

If it's been too long since our last fight, I will pick something to fight about.





"Remember that one time, in 2008, you said my ankles look swollen? What the hell? Now I don't even want to wear this dress today because the only man who has sex with me thinks I have elephant cankles."

"Why aren't you more sorry? Can't you see I'm upset?"

"What is wrong with you? I seriously just told you how bad I'm feeling about something you did, and you are just going to continue eating your Mr. Goodbar like everything's okay!?!?"

"I would NEVER say anything like that to you. In fact, if I even knew you were this upset about something,  I WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO EAT OR DRINK OR BATHE OR DRIVE OR PEE. Why do I care so much more about kindness than you? I am such a good person....and for what? For you to keep apologizing and eating your deliciously nutty bar that won't go straight to your lower legs?"





Women are crazy.



Sometimes, I think men are intentionally dumb so our dumbfoundedness over dumb statements they have made will just make us be quieter.

I will not call out my own husband on things he has said, because I want to continue to have him love me . These are men I have known or my friends have known's quotes"






"I just like the Imperial Palace because the cocktail waitresses are so sexy, honey"

"I think your calves are too big for those boots. WHAT'S WRONG? HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN MUSCULAR, BABY?"

"On a scale of 1-10, you are definitely a solid 7. But your personality makes you a 10"

"Who cares how hot my ex is? I love you with my mind, not my penis. I only loved her with my penis. A lot."

"You don't need to wear make-up. I'm not with you for your looks."

"This is my girlfriend! Thank you! She IS pretty but she doesn't workout."

"Why does your friend always wear such baggy dresses? I can't ever see her body."

"When I saw your butt through the window, it looked like a horse's ass on the back of a trailer on the highway!"

"She's my ex-girlfriend. The only girlfriend I have ever had that I feel bad about cheating on."

"No, I don't think Kristin Bell is pretty. She's way too old."

"Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife? She's not even fat."





I think this book could be a best-seller.

I have an amazing story about thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me at a party, but the party house had a gate that was locked. I pulled my car up to the wall surrounding the property and crawled on top of the roof of my car to be able to jump over the wall. The fall on the other side caused some injuries. Not too many injuries, however, for me not to be able to crawl through the scaffolding on the side of the house that was under construction and then climbing through a bathroom window.



But, if he hadn't been so dumb, I wouldn't have had to act so crazy. Get it?