Foreign Exchange Toddler Monkey

Favorite brother with two t's was in town from Ecuador a few weeks ago. If you don't know why my brother is in Ecuador, you've basically just insulted my soul and burned my heart with a cigar. But, you can click here to catch up with all the cool, attractive people.

He has been in Ecuador for a year and a half or so. You would think he has been there since 1996. He was like a foreign exchange toddler.





I got dressed up real-nice for his arrival


Matthew: What dat?

Mary: That's a dog. A yorkshire terrier.

Matthew: Goat?

Mary: NO. A DOG.

Matthew: Okay. Coffee?

Mary: No, no coffee until you learn to use a CELL PHONE.


We were driving home after the bar closed and I was getting a plethora of text messages from my many adoring friends and fans. I was trying to respond to one when I swerved into the curb at Walgreens, which ISN'T an awesome thing to do at 2:30 in the morning. I threw my phone at foreign exchange toddler and instructed him what to write.

Apparently this....

Equals this.....

Matthew:  How do I type?

Mary: Apparently, you don't. How did you even get on that screen?

Matthew: I can't have a cell phone in Ecuador because they just keep getting stolen.

Mary: Oh that's nice. I'm sure things will be a lot more pleasant for you somewhere safer, like Zimbabwe or Palestine.




 We were getting family pictures made (in matching outfits per my mother's strict instruction) when he suddenly realized....

Brother is like 11 feet tall, with no torso. He needed to book his seat on his airline for the next day, and he needed to do it early so he could make sure he got an exit row. But we were knee-deep in JC Penney inappropriate cheesiness and had no internet handy.

I offered him my phone and attempted to instruct him on the intricate navigation of the mythical Iphone. He shrugged me off much like he did in 1988, when he kicked me in the face in the pool and broke my nose.

I sat next to him and tried to help, but he couldn't get the whole "zooming" in thing. Ecuadorians only use their forefingers like a bunch of damn orangutans.



"You're not a goat, Matthew. You have an opposable thumb. Try it out."

He booked the exit row and we all high-fived. Then I looked at my screen and noticed it said "Error reaching URL"



"Matthew, you didn't book your exit row. You didn't do anything. Are you trying to play a game, now?"



He had "Cut the rope" up on my screen now but was frantically chopping the rope as quickly and eagerly as he could. He was so proud, too.



"Yeah, good job Brother. You're doing a great job! What a big AMERICAN boy you are!"



I didn't have the heart to explain to him how truly advanced and difficult the game actually was.

A little view of the chat that inspired this blog:




mattstepflow: Could you not get one through your credit union?


me: I don't want them knowing my business

as jersey shore as that sounds

you probably have never watched Jersey Shore so that's not even funny.

mattstepflow: It's kind of funny, but I haven't ever seen an episode before

me: I feel like you were like a foreign exchange student when you were here..."and this is my IPHONE! Push the buttons. Isn't it fun?"

12:00 PM mattstepflow: I felt that way.

"What's that?"

12:01 PM me: "this is a TOILET. and that's an AMERICAN BABY"

12:03 PM mattstepflow: "Why is the AMERICAN BABY in the TOILET?"