Don't.

I'm frequently reminding myself of what not to do.

Don't cry.

Don't smile with your eyes.

Don't be fake.

Don't cook meat that's been expired for 9 days.

Don't say words like shitcake.





In fact, every morning I take a handful of don't.

1. Don't get weak legs? (I have no idea what the hell b12 does. Good luck finding that answer, too. Apparently it does EVERYTHING and if you stop taking it, you'll turn into a lameass and die.)

2. Don't gain weight.

3. Don't let things get all flammatory up in the muscles.

4. Don't be crazy.

5. Don't have an accidental babykins.


Number five is the most important. I'm reminded of this today as I'm about to google, "Why do fish change colors?" Our fish didn't take pill number five and had a bunch of little bastard children in our pond. Not only do the big fish not care about their unplanned family, they continuously knock them out of the way to get one more piece of dried flaky goodness. One of them is so depressed and lacking in family and social development, that it turned black and is now turning white again.

So, I was googling this question, and google reminded me of the last few times I had started a question with "Why"

I remember the day I googled this. I apparently could not think of a respectable and classy way to ask google why Ellis was plotting against me. The results were not few, either.  Evidently a lot of parents are fed up with their offspring being selfish little fun-haters with no regard.

Mary. Don't call your kid an asshole.