Let me be your Victim!

Who would have thought being in a car accident was so fun?

I was driving to work a few weeks ago and traffic was about as fun as a pap smear. We would be moving along just fine and then suddenly, everyone would be at a dead stop without any explanation why.

We had just been moving along quite nicely when the police officer in front of me suddenly slammed on his brakes. I slammed on my brakes and managed to just avoid hitting him. My purse had been thrown from the front seat and was now upside on the floorboard, all my stuff spilling out. Girls know that is the least fun thing, ever.

At that very moment I felt a hard smack as the car behind me had just slammed into me, which jolted me forward hard enough to crush the cop in front of me.

"Oh shit. Mat is going to KILL ME" , Was the first thought that came into my head. I have knocked off 5 side view mirrors since him and I have been together and had multiple other fender benders and hitting non-moving objects.

Then suddenly, it dawned on me.

Wait....This wasn't my fault!!!! I'm a VICTIM! I've never been a victim before! Everything is always my fault!

Mat was going to be worried about me! He was going to ask if I was hurting and give me a neck rub!

The cop was beside my window instantly, checking on me. I managed to put on a I'm -so-scared-but-I'll-try-to-be-brave-and-selfless look. I was taking in every moment of the sympathy and the worry. It felt so good compared to the scowls and judgement you get when you hit someone because you're playing on Facebook on your phone.

"I...think...I think I'm okay.."

I get out of the car slowly and the cop pats me on the shoulder. He gives me a few reassuring words about how impressed he was that I had managed to stop before I hit him.

Asshole Greg that hit me is behind me. He looks like his mom just put him in time out for getting into the cookie jar. Pouty, crying, almost hitting himself in the head.

"I shouldn't have even gotten up this morning. I'm sorry I hit you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate myself. Like every day."

"Hey, bud, it's okay. These things happen. Let me console you and show you how good I am at being the confident and brave victim. Because you're really unfortunate at being liable." I patted his shoulder and aimed him towards a post he could rest against.

I got a honk and waved, modestly. I knew I had to have had a lot of friends driving to work at the same time and they would recognize me and be worried about me. It was such a nice change from the "How did you manage to hit someone,  Mary!? Were you just not paying attention?"

By the time I got to work, everyone was making sure I was okay, bringing me breakfast burritos and hugs. It was the best and funnest car accident I have gotten into, ever. I decided that every accident I get in from here on out wouldn't be my fault. Such a great decision.

3 days later, in the rental car, I managed to smash in the back of a Nissan in front of me that had stopped suddenly. I didn't buy the insurance that came with the rental.



BECAUSE I WAS STILL A VICTIM!