Five Ways to Cry over Cops and Pie

Let's talk about the 5 reasons I cried today, since I have nothing else fun to talk about and I am committed to my goal of blogging every day.

1. I woke up crying because I had a dream that I was an equestrian that was part of the military. There was a war that ended horse-riders being a branch of the military and we all ended up in a Motel 6 in the basement for four months. When they finally opened the door and let us out I ran out onto the grass on I-35 and kissed the grass. I don't know if it was the pride of having served my country, or the sadness about the fact that I was know an unemployed equestrian without a government health plan.

2. Accident number 1's asshole that hit me is still trying to claim it's my fault that he hit me. Like I was backing up on the highway when he was innocently just trying to go to work as a priest at a children's orphanage. Because of this, they want me to pay my deductible to get my car out of the shop. When I told my insurance I didn't think that was fair, he told me next time I should get a deductible I can afford. I want to find out where he hangs out and make him swallow his teeth. (Is that a thing? If not, it should be) Also, I want to sue everyone.

3. Because of asshole from accident #1 I needed a copy of the police report. I called the police station and they said I had to go downtown and pick up a copy of it. Apparently the law is in no damn hurry to get in the cloud. I tried to get downtown, and they had the entire place blocked off because of a suspicious package. I stopped to ask a police officer if there was somewhere else I could park and he yelled at me that THERE WAS A SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE AND NOTHING I NEEDED TO DO WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE BLOCKING TRAFFIC TO ASK HIM WHY HE WAS BLOCKING TRAFFIC. I sniffled. I actually tried to run from two ladies who were just going to ask me if I knew if "That jail be open because we gotta see little Hank". I cried over the cop yelling at me. I cried because the records lady told me they couldn't find my file- she was immune to my emerald green tears of manipulation, but thankfully her co-worker wasn't and dug until she found it.

4. After I drove to drop off the police report at the insurance company, I called my Mom to listen to me cry about how mean the cops were. She was sympathizing and telling me everything I needed to hear when I noticed lights flashing behind me. I moved over so the police could go catch the bad guy and to my horror he followed me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. He came to my window and told me his name was Milo. Milo needs the warm embrace of a woman. He said I had pulled into the intersection to turn left before the light turned green and I might think that was an acceptable thing to do but I WAS WRONG AND HE WAS SO TIRED OF CLEANING UP ALL THESE COLLISIONS BECAUSE HE'S JUST A TRAFFIC COP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE CITY A SAFER PLACE. Then he passive aggressively told me to stay off my phone. I had the biggest urge to insult his small penis or his bad dye job, but instead I took off my sunglasses and let the tears flow. I ended up with a warning and a weather report. I think he really just wanted some attention or some appreciation over letting me off with a warning, but I still don't really know what I did wrong. I called my Mom to cry some more.

5. I managed to make a beautiful and delicious homemade chicken pot pie that was making me feel better about myself.

BOTH kids cried over having to eat it. I tried to catch a picture, but Adrian changed his face at the last second in order to screw up my funny blog picture. 

After 1 hour and 10 minutes of begging and pleading and threatening with them to eat their food, I finally lost it and cried tears of failure into my own plate of delicious chicken pot pie.

Okay, but look how cute Collins is. She wins my favorite kid of the day today.

This is how she wiggles her way out of her bathtub sling, every time. It's terrifying and ineffective.