A Complimentary Drawing

The carpet smelled of pee and had spots in it that looked like the mange, so I called to have Stanley Steemer come make it all better.

I don't like being at my house by myself while strange men are there, but in this case I really didn't have a choice. Husband with one T was at work and the piss had to go. Plus my groupon was only good for a weekday.

I caress my mace in one hand as I open the door. So far, these two employees don't APPEAR to be interested in kidnapping me and keeping me in their freshly scrubbed basement.

One looks like him -




And his partner looked like this guy:





They were there to take care of my every need carpet-wise.

I stayed in whatever room they weren't in. I didn't want to lay in my bed to give them any ideas about laying down with me, so I mostly just walked around my bedroom or the kitchen, pretending to be super interested in the paintings on my wall.

Scary man #1: That your guitar?

Me: Um, yeah it is! (fake smile)

Scary man: No way, you like a rockstar chick or something?

Suddenly I knew I didn't need to be afraid of them, especially if they wanted to pay attention and compliments to me.

Me: Well, I mean, (real smile) yes, I guess I am. (BEAAAAAAMING)

Not scary anymore man: Damn, will you play something for us while we work?

Me: I just couldn't. (putting my guitar strap on)

I played them "Blackbird" and "Here I go Again", I thought it'd be nice to mellow them out and then rock them back up. I put a lot of thought into my set list for carpet cleaners. They were happy to listen and and probably surprised at my enthusiasm. My willing audience members are about as abundant as my blog readers, (here's looking at you, Mom and Dad!)

After I finished, it would've been awkward to stay out there and not entertain them, so I sauntered back into the hallway to look at those pictures. I was so ready for them to finish so I could just take a nap. I heard them kind of packing up, so I walked back in to the entry way where they were getting ready to leave. It was like all of our musical friendship we had just made a few minutes ago was gone. He was awkwardly avoiding my gaze.

Me: You guys all finished?

Him: yep (snickers and look at his friend)

Me: What's so funny?

Him: umm...nothing maám... will you sign this please?

(no eye contact)

Hmmmm

I sign and they are on their way. I walk into the living room, feeling the clean and wet carpet on my toes. When I notice they had made me a pile of things they found underneath my couch.

There is my Michael Kors bracelet! And there is that damn monkey Ellis was looking for! And look, here's a piece of paper, I wonder what's on it? I turn it over and BAM.

I suddenly remember a day a few years back that Mat and Adrian and I were all coloring together in the living room. Adrian got bored and went and did something else, but Mat and I kept coloring for each other, each one-upping the other one as far as inappropriateness goes, purely to make each other laugh.

I'm staring at a cartoon penis, with a sign beside it that says "Mat's" and an arrow with a giant thumbs up sign and a yard stick. I actually did a pretty good job on the details. You'd think I would have made sure that funny picture had ended up in the trash can instead of under the couch for two of my new fans/Stanley Steemer employees to find. I bet they had to stifle their laughs for so long after finding that picture. They probably thought I missed my calling as a sex cartoonist.

Now we use Chem-Dry, and I always make sure to put my penis drawings in the sex comic cabinet first.