...and that's why no one wants to know about me

My brother-in-law, Spencer,  got me a book for Christmas called, "All About Me".  While I opened it, he suggested I could fill out the book and pass it on to my kids, or perhaps fill it out and hide it in the attic to be opened by husband with one T and I on our 20 year anniversary.

I was wide awake last night and decided to sleep in Adrian's spiderman bed (he's at Grandma's while he's out of school since she is a teacher and also out of school) because it is 60 degrees in his room and I love the way his guinea pig shit fills my memory with dreams of being a child and also never cleaning up a microgram of rodent feces in my life. Is microgram even a word?


The questions in the book start innocent enough... Name, address, height, weight, etc. My ambien and Reeses peanut butter cups have started to kick in and I think, "am I reading this right?" I turned back a few pages where things were seemingly normal and realized that I wasn't asleep or injured in the medicated brain. I was currently in the middle of answering the question "What is one thing you extremely dislike about your brother?"



Uh. He lives in another country.




Not deterred, I continued until I was well into the section about fruits of my labors.



"What is one thing your best friend has that you don't that you resent her for?"

Uhhhhhhh.....a social life and boobs that haven't sagged yet?




No way Adrian or "Grandma" Me wants to read that...ever.



I skip over some more of the drama-laden questions, realizing I have zero awesome answers for what the book is looking for. It would frequently ask me to choose my favorite meal,  favorite parent,  or favorite fawn (I had to google fawn...at first I was like....Bambi?). Then after asking such a plain and boring question, the book would ask me to describe how difficult it was to answer. Nothing's difficult for me because I am an open book, Book!



It started to mess with my mind.


Name three things you love about your spouse:


Name Three things you love about yourself:


Now tell which one was easier to write...



This got me thinking...."what the hell? DO I HATE MYSELF?" It's really hard to come up with three things you love about yourself OR your spouse when you're sleeping in a twin spiderman bed with a rodent covered in poo because he's snoring and gives off too much body heat. How does the book know I am not only a bad self-hating robot, but also a mean and selfish spouse-haver with no appreciation?



I decided to skip the chapter after it asked me what age I wanted my children to have sex.


I skipped the next when it asked me to describe the moment I felt the most snuggliest with God, and what verse of the bible moves me the most.



I skipped the next chapter when it asked me to describe in detail my most lucid sex dream and whether or not it has fulfilled any fantasy I have/had.

 The only sex dream I have had is about Bob Saget, and I don't want to read about that in 20 years and Ellis and Adrian can probably be okay skipping on that knowledge as well.




Awwww yeah, DT!







(This was a word purge I did for a new group I joined called GBE 2 (Group Blogging Experience). I had to just write what came to my mind without stopping and trying to add comic effect and interesting ideas. That's PRETTY much why it sucks so much. If you're on FB, you should join, too!)