Mary's jailhouse rock

I have a huge irrational fear in life, other than wasps or scorpions,

okay and tornadoes.....


(sweet Jesus's face I write about my fears a lot. I promise this will be the last one.)

I have a fear of going to prison for the rest of my life for something I didn't do.

(I have to make sure to include the "something I didn't do" so you know I would and could never do anything mean to anybody. Unless bashing them and changing their name in my blog carries a life sentence. If that's the case, hate on hatas.)

You may have remembered the mean girl from my high school reunion blog. If not, click here and scroll to number 4.

You'll notice I casually say something about getting arrested. I did not "get arrested" so much as I got "taken to county jail and peed on myself".

I was friends with the hater from the reunion blog. She was friends with people that were friends with the boy I desperately wanted to be the Sonny to my Cher.

Only instead of singing and having transsexual babies, he could just lay around and compliment me. It didn't matter if these compliments were to myself or others. I preferred a nicely blended mix of the two. Like a Mcdonalds iced coffee.

I decided I would hang out with these friends, even though they probably didn't have the same love for Mr. Jesus that I did. I could win them over and get them talking about my awesomeness to my wannabe Sonny and then ....BAM he wouldn't go breaking my heart. (Is that song even by Sonny and Cher?)

They picked me up and drove out of town to a secluded cul de sac where it was too dark for anyone to see us. We had some burritos that were awesome, and some of them had some cannabis resin; marijuana for the uneducated.

Then the police were called. Apparently we weren't out of town at all. We were in a neighborhood and that neighborhood housed lameheads that had a problem with us blasting music and throwing our taco trash too close to their cow shit.

They lined us all up on a car and I never cried. I knew I could logically explain this to my parents and that those that should get in trouble, would get in trouble.

They decide to take us to the local county jail where they will prompty scare the piss out of us and call our parents.

I asked the cop if I could sit up front with him and he kind of shrugged and said okay. I think that cop loved my 15 year old ass to such an inappropriate level, I could have asked him for 50 dollars and he would've given me a Benjamin and a back masssage and then apologized for taking up too much of my time.

We drove to the county jail. I made the best jokes I could to him. I knew I was the favorite because I was the only one who had no idea the vast amount of trouble we could be in at this moment. Everyone else was being mean to the cops and crying. I just wanted him to laugh and love me.

"What do you call a fish with no eye?"

"ummm, I don't know." sheepish cop smile

"fffsssshhhh"

Then we would high-five. My friends in the back of the car were muttering to each other and glowering at me and my cherry-limeade I had made Officer Bestfriend stop and get me at Sonic.

While we're waiting for the officers to call my parents I notice that some of the prisoners are roaming free. They have on the orange outfits but they're doing chores, eating Twix, and occassionally staring at me.

I start to lose some of my cheery edge and ask my bestfriendthecop if I am safe.

He takes this moment to ruin my world. He looks me straight in the eyes and tells me because of me and my atttude that they are letting us go. No charges. But he wants me to know what could have been.

He walks us through the jail, along the bars where there are men locked up like giant rabid moose without haircuts.

I will say, I have never felt quite so attractive as I did walking through that jail cell. I have never had so many people vocally tell me what they think about my physical attributes, and what they care to bestow upon them.

That's when I peed my jeans. I didn't even know it because I was so scared.

One of the scary murderous ponytail men asked if I was "doing okay honey?"

If I had had a shank I would have gashed him.

But I had no shank and now he was showing us the holding cell we would be staying in if they hadn't decided to let us go. I now know I never would have been stuck in a room full of these bearded puppy-killers, but at the time I believed Bestfriendthecop and hugged him with my pee-soaked clothes and begged for him to take me home.




The other officer was in a room with our parents when we came out. I felt like guilt was a box of those blueberry muffins that come with the real blueberries and I had eaten the whole damn thing without any cold milk.



Guilt and shame and sadness were pouring from my pores. My mother was surely in the room, bawling her eyes out in her nightgown, blaming herself and planning my future as a virgin nun.

The door opened and my Dad walked out. I was so happy to see him and his car and he hugged me like he meant it.

He asked if I had done anything I needed to talk about. I said no and he trusted me. He threw a huge wad of bills at me and told me with teary eyes that that had been bail money.

Through my guilt and shame I wondered where the hell all this money came from and why weren't we using it to buy me a bunch of crazy new shit?





From that day forth, I do not associate with those that do drugs. If I have smelled marijuana, I immediately think of bestfriendcop and peeing my jeans and I flee.




Bur lately I have begun to analyze this fear and it has subsided a bit.

After all, if I was in prison for a crime which I had been wrongfully accused, I would make the best of it. I would find myself a crew of heterosexual girls to hang out with. We would punch things and make our arms nice. I could see what my natural haircolor is. I could sing everyone songs and we would all find Jesus. I could get famous in prison and make everyone there happier.

Then I watch a show about women in prison and I realize none of it can happen because they all end up being homosexual and hate girls who are innocent or try to sing songs. One girl yelled at another "This aint no jailhouse rock and you ain't no Elvis"

That jab would be worse than whatever sentence I had been facing.