The decent guys are all in the friend zone...where we left them...

This is what a man's back should look like until he's 57. I'm not asking for a lot. Or an alot. Actually, I am a horrible artist because this TOTALLY looks like a 12 year old boy's back and I look like a pervbag. Imagine it being bigger and less pre-pubescent and creepy, mmmkay?



I had been aching for this customer to ask me out for weeks. He was attractive and funny and awesome at ordering checks and filling out his deposit slips. He was 6 years older than me but I needed a man anyways (conflicting with my little boy picture above).



When he finally asked me out he had an entire day date planned for us. Taking me to a river, hiking on a mountain, sailing and drinking on a boat, laughing at my jokes, etc.



He was great. Marryable. Loved him some Mary.



Then he said something nice and pulled me in for a hug. When I wrapped my arms around him and felt his back...it felt like this.

I immediately wanted to go home.

I made one of my friends break up with him, via text, from my phone and told her to delete any responses and not tell me what was said by either party.

I refused to go out with a guy because his back felt like a 60 year old man's.




I took a poll from some of my favorite people and these are the best reasons I have ever heard for ending contact with an otherwise dateable man.



"The pores on his nose were too big."



ew. It has nostrils, too.















"He kept saying 'Ready Freddie?' I may be a horrible person, but at least I'll be a horrible person that never has to be called Freddie again"




Am I ready?




















"He didn't tell me about his fake leg until I slept over and heard him take it off."




A fake leg is cute when it's on a fucking elephant.















"He started quoting japanimation to himself and when I asked what he was doing he started quoting them to me."





Did he use subtitles?





"Ugh. He looked at the wall too much when he was around my friends"



Agreed. So much cuter than her friends.



"His feet didn't touch my floor when he sat on my couch. He was like a hobbit."



I bet his back was cute, though.



"He was 20. His teeth should have been more shiny."



No excuse for this.



and the best.....

"Unfortunate Lucky jeans from like, 2002."

"Jeans were TOO nice and they made him look gay"

"He said "toodles". Come on. That's not hot."

"Because he ordered red wine"

"Because he was 3 years younger than me and wore too-white sneakers"

"Because he was a used-car salesman"

"Because his closet and office were too organized"

"Because his texts were like a 12 year old girl. LMFAO. No."

"Because he wore pleated pants on casual Friday and owned mandals"

Yes....that's right. Those were all said by the same person. This is her.



Except with lots of cats.