Pants on Fire

I'm reading "Lies that Chelsea Handler Told me". In case you can't tell by the way I write, I kind of want to be her. Minus a few wrinkles, drug usages, and sexual partners (clearly). It inspired me to tell all about the lies I've been told and believed by my husband, Mat.

Some have purpose, others are merely because he can. He often forgets he has told me this lie. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize I actually believed him.


"The Cheerleader"

This was after we had been together for under a year. I am a jealous heathen who needs self-esteem injections.

Mat: Carly was the one who brought me the paperwork on it, so I wasn't sure who to ask.

Mary: Who is Carly?

Mat: At the dealership. I've told you about her haven't I?

Mary: Um. No.

Mat: She just works for us part-time. She goes to OU. She's a cheerleader there.

Mary: What department does she work in and why was she bringing you paperwork?

Mat: Oh she's always in my office just hanging out. hahaha. It's weird. I don't know what she like, ACTUALLY does, since most of the time she's just hanging out with me.

Mary: Oh. Is she still currently a cheerleader, or was she a cheerleader in like, 1965?

Mat: No, I think she's 19. Really young. Hasn't had any kids or anything yet so everything is still really high and tight, you know.

Mary: (starting to bleed out of my ears and turn my snot into hot red smoke)

Mary: (pretending to be extraordinarily interested in cleaning the trash can)

Mary: (telling myself that if I fly into a jealous rage, he ain't neva gonna put a ring on it)

Mary: (stares at non-cheerleaderish thighs and thinks about going for a run)

Mat: Yeah she's ALWAYS in my office.

Mary: Does she do filing or greet people or something?

Mat: No, she's usually still in her cheerleading outfit so it's not appropriate for customers to see her. So she just stays in my office and talks to me.

Mary: Why the hell would they pay some fat ugly cheerleader with acne to shoot the breeze with you?

Mat: hahahahaha Mary, stop acting silly. She's neither fat nor ugly nor blemish-ridden. She's awesome! You'd love her.

Mary: Okay, well I am going to go pretend to do something so I don't scratch your eyeballs out like a feral incestuous cat.

It's three months later at the company Christmas party. I spent upwards of 9 hours getting ready for this occasion, as Carly was about to get some 26 year old Mary Brown with too much lip gloss on all up in her stupid co-ed face.

I've been there for 2 hours and have seen no cheerleaderish exotic teenager.

Mary: Where's this home wrecker attention-whore, Carly?

Mat: Carly? She's not an attention-whore, that's not nice. What the hell she's like the sweetest lady in the world.

Mary: Don't call her a lady. She's a cheerleader and you're going to leave me for her because I can't jump very high and I hate exercise.

Mat: Oh yeah. hahahahahahahahahahaha. I was lying. You should've seen your face. You were boiling! That's her over there. She's in her sixties and collects poodles. I can't believe you believed me! I was being ridiculous!

Mary: I've been doing 400 squats a day and eating nothing but sticks dipped in splenda to compete with a poodle-enthusiast!????

"The Goat"

After Mat and I started dating, we would play golf together on Sundays with his brother. Afterward, we would eat our faces off. Usually, dirty Mexican food at a place called Ricky's. I would always get something toddlerish, like a quesadilla or an enchilada. Mat and his brother would get something called "Guiso Especiale". It was meat diced with onions and cilantro, topped with an egg and sliced avocados.

Mary: That stuff looks so good, what is it?

Mat: Guiso. It's Spanish for baby goat.

Mary: You're eating baby goat? Ug. I'd rather eat homeless toenails.

Mat: No, it sounds gross but it's actually really good. Please try it.

Mary takes a bite.

Mary: Oh my god. That is sooooo good. I want to rub it on my face.

Mat: I told you!

3 months later at Ricky's.

Waiter: Hola, Mr. Mat friend. You are very hungry yes?

Mat: I'm regular hungry. I'll have the shrimp fajitas.

Mat's brother: I'll try the best Mexican tacos.

Waiter: Si, and for you Mrs. Mat?

Mary: Ummm. I want the baby goat. I can't remember what it's called.

(hands my menu to the waiter and takes a drink of my tea)

Waiter: I will help you miss friend.

(sends over an English speaking person)

Waiter with lighter skin: Hi, what is it that you would like?

Mary: The diced up baby goat. But can I have it with some tortillas?

Waiter: We don't have goat.

Mary: Ummmm, hang on. The Guiso Especiale?

Mat and Brother: (laughing hard and kicking each other)

Mat and Brother: (both hugging me)

Mat: Baby, it's not really goat. I was just teasing you. It's just beef. I had no idea you still thought that.

Mary: Well then eff all of you. and YOU. ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE, TOO. I hope you all get canker sores. Tu tienes dieciseis en mi boca de no simpatico!

Waiter: We have sixteen not nice in your mouth?

"The Website"

Mat: There's this video you need to watch on youtube. It's so funny. I sent you a link at work.

Mary: Oh, I can't watch it at work because they have youtube blocked. I'll watch it when I get home.

Mat: Oh, there's another website you can pull it up on called Gooliga. It's like youtube but for google. It's the latest "thing".

Mary: Oh okay. What's it called again?

Mat: Voogle.

Mary: Oh okay.

One hour later at work I am searching all over the internet for this website. I ask my tellers. They have no idea what site I'm talking about. I have a customer who is tech-savvy come in. He says there's no such thing. I keep searching for it and eventually call Mat on speaker.

Mary: Hey, me and Chloe are here searching for this website you were telling me about this morning. How do you spell it?

Mat:...........

Mary: Would it be on the google homepage? Was it googlideo or something?

Mat:...........(finally gasps for breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Are you serious????

Mary: What?

Mat: I just pulled that out of my ass. I completely made it up and didn't think you were even paying attention!

Mary: Oh okay. So what is the website you were talking about then?

Mat: ....................

"The Bike Nazi"

It was a beautiful day in Oklahoma, which is saying a lot since we only have 5 beautiful days a year. This was a time before Ellis was (accidentally) created. I would let Adrian ride his bike in the street in front of our house while I sat on the porch and read, facebook-stalked, or tried to look like I was gardening for the other neighbor Moms I compete with.

Adrian asked if he could ride his bike so I put on a push up bra and went and sat on the porch. When Adrian went to retrieve his bike from the garage, he could not find it. I looked all around the house and it was gone. It had been stolen. His tears were shouting cuss words at me. I called Daddy.

Mary: Hey, do you have any idea where Adrian's bike might be? We can't find it.

Mat: Nope, the last time I saw it was Monday night and it was left in the driveway.

Mary: No, we've played with it since then. I think it may have gotten stolen.

Mat: That's why he needs to always put his bike back where it belongs or that kind of stuff happens.

Mary: yeah yeah blah blah. See you when you get off.

(gathers 4 year old Adrian into a love ball and hugs him)

Mary: We are going to do whatever it takes, honey. We will find that bike. Let's start with the neighbors.

We go to six different adjacent neighbor's houses, asking the parents and the children if anyone has seen it. No little ugly kid is going to steal my adorable kid's bike without me finding him and giving his face a grass stain in front of his neglectful parents.

My attractive and non-thieving child

Mary: All right this isn't working but don't give up hope, okay? We are going to find your bike no matter what. I don't care if I have to quit my job.

We didn't have a printer so we drove to my parent's house and made a flyer on the computer. Then we drove back to our house, stopping once for sympathetic snow cones. Once we got home and started hanging the flyers, someone stopped us and said as part of the HOA rules we had to have them approved by a board member.

We went home and got on the computer to look up the board member's addresses. We walked to the President's house. His wife said he wasn't home and told us to go to the Secretary's house because he worked from home. When we got there, his wife said he was next door and invited Adrian and I in. She gave us some horrible lemonade and I awkwardly pet her ugly whippet until he came back.

We pitched our story and he said we could only hang up one sign in the front of the neighborhood in the glass case. He got the key and walked us up there so we could hang the sign.

After 2 hours, finally defeated, Adrian and I walked home.

My friend Kelsey had found out Adrian was sad his bike had gotten stolen. She brought him some candy and jokes to cheer him up.

Kelsey: You know, I bet Mat will surprise him with a new bike.

Mary: That's what I am hoping for. He's so devastated. Oh there's the garage door now. He's home.

Mat: Adrian come here! I hear you got your bike stolen. I want to show you something.

(pulls bike out of the back of his SUV that looks exactly like the bike that was stolen)

(I get tears in my eyes at this man's sweetness and thoughtfulness)

Adrian: A new bike! Thank you Daddy!

Mat: Nope, it's not new. I STOLE YOUR BIKE. Now you know how it would feel if you really did leave your bike in the driveway and it got stolen. If I hadn't noticed it in the driveway, it would've been stolen. Okay?

Adrian: Um. Okay.

Kelsey: All righty. Well on that note, and the fact that I can feel Mary's blood pressure rise above lethal levels, I am going to leave you two alone.