10 things I promise never to blog about

In honor of the clickable button "Next Blog", where it will take you to a random blog I decided to make you a few promises, in hopes you would spread the word of my blog and make me famous so I can buy liposuction and a trampoline.

1. Fashion-

Don't get me wrong, I love fashion blogs. I like to read them and then rub the monitor on my body to try to get some of my frumpiness off. My favorite is this one. She is so fabulous she makes you want to give your children to Russia and do nothing but stalk attractive people on Facebook all day. If I wrote a fashion blog and inspired people, you would all look like moms trying not to look like moms, but trying to distract the fact you still look like a mom with cleavage. So. You're welcome.

2. How to-

I will never tell anyone how to do something. I'm pretty awful at most things. I will, perhaps, write blogs on how to not do something. So far I have come up with: How not to pay a traffic ticket in another state and therefore be permanently unable to drive in a southerly direction, How not to fix a camera, How not to do the HCG diet, How not to graduate from college, How not to accidentally send sexually-explicit text messages to business customers, and How not to use profanity.

3. Recipes-

I don't know how to properly write the difference between tablespoon and teaspoon, and those words are just annoying to write all the way out. Sorry boutcha. Target has prepared food that you can put in the oven and pretend you made by hand so your husband will feel obligated to give it up.

4. Product Reviews

I don't pay attention to when things are awesome or not. Most of the time I buy the most expensive version of whatever I'm seeking, then put it in a cupboard where I forget about it until it expires, starts smelling, or explodes. Except cookies.

5. Fitness

When husband gets up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym, I wish to torture him upon an open flame like a baby pig. Then I get jealous of his shoulders so I do my Shake Weight for 45 seconds. Then I get tired and eat some cheese and take a bath. Also, when my pants don't fit- I cuss at them and wear them anyways.

6. Health

I may only eat 1500 calories a day but they're all in cookies and gas station hot dogs. Then I feel like I am going to pass out at about 6:30. Sometimes I think my heart stops beating while I am sleeping and that's not real fun. I tell myself I will eat a chicken breast tomorrow. But then when tomorrow comes I want a chocolate-covered rice cake and a pack of starbursts that are all red and pink instead.

7. Religion

I did a post once where I pretended to be all-knowing about religiousness. I thought it was funny and ironic, but I had to take it down once I got pink eye. I figured that was my warning.

8. Money

I think having money is better than not having money. I like spending it instead of saving it. I stole 20 dollars from my child's piggy bank to pay the babysitter. Once, when I got mad at my Dad, I ripped up the money he had brought me home from Saudi Arabia. My very first paycheck I got from Blimpie Subs was cashed and then dropped somewhere in the parking lot of Jamba Juice. I had worked 2:30-5, three days a week, for absolutely nothing.

9. Poetry

I found a poem I wrote, very angrily, when I was 18. It was unfortunate and I spelled the word your wrong in 2 different sentences. I also wrote the line "altered, adjusted, reconstructed" three different times like it was the central theme of my poem. I think I thought I was sitting in the corner of a coffee shop, listening to bands no one heard of, with thumb holes in my sweater, forgetting that I love sunshine and my parents.

10. Contests

I promise I won't ever give away a $10 gift card to Long John Silvers if you follow my blog. You should be giving me some delicious fried shrimp for writing to you. I also won't ever disguise a contest as a fun guise to actually get your email address and then spam the shit out of you.



I think writing about nonsense all the time is the way to get famous and be a sugar mama.