Her doesn't cook.

Adrian's Kindergarten class made a book for their mothers for Mother's Day. They each picked their mom's favorite recipe, dictated them, and put them in a recipe book. They then took a picture with a chef's hat and answered the question, "Why do you love your mom?" These answers were posted in a speech bubble on the picture for all the moms I am competing with to see.

This is when you, as a mother, have the chance to show all the other mothers how much you are really outperforming them. When I heard of this, I knew I was about to kick all those trophy moms in the thorax.

I wonder what Adrian will say about me in his speech bubble? "I love my mom because she dances and paints with me"? "I love my mom because she still looks like she's a teenager"? "I love my mom because she sings prettier than all your moms and everyone on the Disney Channel"?

I wonder what Adrian will say his favorite recipe of mine is! Maybe the time I made him a cookie sandwich with homemade M&M cookies when he stood up for his sister at school? Or my spaghetti, he loves my spaghetti. Nope, I bet it will be my chicken tettrazini or garlic bread! He loves my garlic bread more than Ninja Turtles and Jesus.

Um. This is what I got. This is what all the other moms got to see. Frozen waffles? Really, Adrian. Why don't you just call DHS right now and they can come take you away from your "nice" Mom who kicks ass at using a toaster. Nice? What about all the stuff you tell me about how I'm prettier and younger than the other moms? Put that shit in print! And, why the face? You look like you're on Valium and friends with the Unabomber.

I suppose it could've been worse.

At least this girl is telling the world her mom can boil some water. One could even deduce that the white sauce is homemade. Maybe she even wears stilettos and a figure-flattering apron while she makes her special sauce of white. However, the only thing she contributes to her daughter's life besides fettuccine alfredo is Daddy's paycheck. Which, in my mind, she's a hot and sexy size 0 trophy wife in a tight apron, means she contributes nothing to that paycheck other than arm candy. I win.

I know. I know. (Really, Mrs. S? Thought a grammatical correction for the foreign kid was too much censorship?)




In a completely unrelated subject, I curled my hair for the first time yesterday since 1992. I was feeling like a mangy weimereiner and I wanted some volume. I thought it looked cute. I walked with a little extra spark in my step. When I picked Adrian up from school he looks at me like I look like this

Instead of this

My eyes will kill you!



and says....."hahahahahahahahaha, I like it Mama. Was today crazy hair day at your work?"

I'm "nice".