Teachers should be wearing Chanel-

The only A's I got in high school were in Freshmen English, Office Assisting, Drama, Rack-having, and Vocal Music. I have never been one to "study" or "go to class", or "not cuss at teachers/administrators". Mat was a little better than I was, at least in the GPA department. I would like to note, however, his Myspace page does contain the quote "If its really worth winning, its worth cheating for!!!" My GPA clearly reflects that I abstain from cheating. Probably not so much for moral reasons as much as lazy ones. I likes me some rest.

We have both been (whatever word you use to replace *blessed* since we worked our asses off to get where we are) to be successful in our careers without college degrees. We have both worked full-time, in the same industries, since we were 18 and are both good enough at what we do that we can make the kind of money someone with a degree would make. Yay. Go us. But our kids. Hell to the no. They are going to be straight-A students, go to OU on an academic/breakdancing scholarship, and be making at least $75,000 a year when they are 22. A typical conversation frequently goes like this.

Adrian: Hi Daddy! Yay you're home! I missed you.
Mat: I missed you too buddy! You're going to college.

We have vowed that we will save enough money for both our children to attend OU full-time, on campus, with no full-time job needed. We will do whatever we have to do to ensure their spoiled-asses stay in school, in an area that will make them successful, even if it makes them hate us in the process.

Having said all this, I have kind of failed to realize that I have to get over my own laziness immediately and get Adrian on the ball. You would think Kindergarten consists of making macaroni art and dancing in a circle with a wedgie and a Guinea pig. You would be wrong. They send home homework for us to do, and I always vow to do it but hardly ever do. (Like, take this paper and cover it with leaves from your backyard. While doing this, talk about the letter P and what your favorite book is.) His need for an actual education has snuck up on me. I read to him almost every day, but have never made him try to do it himself. Every once in a while I will say "Hey Adrian, what do you think frog starts with?" and he'll say " frog rhymes with mog!" and I'll say "well...yeah" and then go back to reading my US Weekly.

I got a little punch in the motherly self-esteem muscle yesterday when I was reading his Thursday folder (yep, yesterday was Monday) and saw a list of words...there were 40. There was a little note, handwritten by his teacher, that said "PLEASE PRACTICE READING THESE WORDS. Adrian could only read 5 of them and needs to be able to read all of them by May" I knew we had to make a fast plan to come to the realization that my kid should be reading. I have focused so much on making sure he doesn't hit, cuss, lie, poop himself, or bully, that I have missed the apparent necessary working at home that ensures my impeccably-dressed and mannered 6 year old can move on to the 1st grade!

We sit down and have a talk with him. Every evening, we will be working on reading for one hour. We have a list of words to learn, but we aren't going to only learn those words. We're going to learn every word. Including binomial-nomenclature, because that's the best and most satisfying word ever.

Our first night was last night....we sat down and I had him read one of his books the teacher had sent home. It is mind-blowing how odd my kid is. He can't read the word "can" or "hat" but doesn't blink an eye on the word "chameleon". How do teachers deal with this level of frustration? Also, how do they not gouge out their eyeballs when kids sound out words? Adrian's word was "with" This is approximately how it went.

Mother of the Year: Just sound it out, if you don't know it.
Adrian: wuh. wwwwuuuuhhhhh. wwwwuhhhhh ihh. wuhhhh iiiihhhhhhhhhh. wuhhhhh ihhhhhhh. (smacks his own forehead because this is excruciating) wuh. wuh ih. tuh. wuh ih tuh. wuhhhhh ihhhhh tuhhhhhhh hhhhaaaaa. wuh ih tuh ha? oh yeah, a th makes the sound like thuh. okay. let me start over. wuh. ih. tthhhhhhhhhh.....................(7 minutes later)
Mother: just say it. for the love of the God and his holy mother and everything that is holy and sacred in the world. just say it.
Adrian: wuh. ih. thuh.
mother: please. please say it faster. (stuffs a chocolate gem donut in my mouth)
Adrian. wuhihthuh. with.
Mother: okay, so what is this word? look at it and say it again.
Adrian: I forgot. Hang on a second and I'll sound it out.

We got through about 10 of the words. It took us an hour and a half. It was awful, but I felt so much better about my son not just being a trophy son, but knowing how to read 10 new words. Even if "with" and "have" take 12 minutes each.

And I will be buying his teacher a purse at the end of the year for this:

(sounding out words X 61 students) + (8 hours a day) = 34,000 a year.  FHL.