Hey, Toby Keith...you burned my crab cake.

Poor lady. Poor poor lady.

Before I dive into this story from 2007 head-first I want to add a little disclosure. I have told about 5 people this story and one of them was my father. He hated it and didn't think I was a good person for  experiencing it. I am not poking fun at people who are clinically insane (well, yeah I am), so if you have no sense of humor or are batshit crazy, instead of reading this you should probably go eat some macaroni and cheese.
         I had an attractive woman in her early forties come to my desk. I'll call her Sheri. She asked if I could notarize something for her. I smiled and said yes. She had a few pages and I was trying to take my time stamping them so I could read some of what she wrote. The grammar was INSANE. I know those of you who know me are thinking that that doesn't mean anything coming from my mouth, but this was like a drunken dyslexic in developmental-first grade. I was wishing I had more time to read it when my wish was granted and she asked if I could make some copies for her. I pretty much sprinted out of my chair to the copier, where I made an extra copy for my enjoyment. On her way out she gave me a creepy look, like a python. Like she was sizing me up. She asked if I would be working in a few days. I said I would be there on Friday at noon. She wanted to come back to have me fax some documents but wanted to make sure it was me so no one else saw her highly-confidential and delusional documents. (I swear these documents were like a couple of nine-year-olds saw a bad CIA movie a few years before, and were playing "pretend" on what little they could remember)

I read the letters outloud to my boss in her office and we giggled like little school-children over the grammatical mistakes. Most of the sentences had some sort of statement meant to sound like a question, ending with a "why", but without a question mark (You could not have done something so mene two me though and im now loseing to know what to do with my life why). It was great. I couldn't wait to see what she brought me on Friday so I could have more fun documents to read.

...I had no idea


When I get there on Friday,  Sheri is waiting for me. She seriously looks like she would have been hot in a music video in 1992. She has big hair, jeans without a belt,  a shirt that almost shows her stomach, a leather jacket with the sleeves pulled up, and a nutso crazy disposition that warms my little heart. She sits at my desk and I ask her how her day is going. She laughs obnoxiously loud and tells me she can't really tell me. I just give my innocent work smile and start notarizing. The first thing I notarize is a page she pulled out of a notebook marked CIA. It is basically just a bunch of letters and symbols jumbled together. There wasn't even a signature. I notarized it anyways. This was the most fun I had had at work since I told the 14 year old goth boy the next time he bought a Girls Gone Wild video, I would tell his mom GGW didn't stand for God's Great Word, and he WASN'T buying christian t-shirts.

        Another page was to Toby Keith, addressed to him at I LOVE THIS BAR AND GRILL (as though he has an office there, and occasionally flips burgers when the grill chef has to go on a break). The next page was to someone named "Daria". My new friend is pretty pissed at Daria. Apparently, Daria thought that just because Sheri made cookies and chili that she was a bisexual who liked to break into people's houses and sleep in their beds. Sheri wanted to make damn sure Daria knew that wasn't the case. And what better way to drive your point home then a $2 notary?

          The last page was to George Bush. The President. I asked where I was faxing the last page to and she said "George W. Bush". I said "Wow, you have George Bush's fax number in your phone?" She shook her head as though the mere thought of having his number in her phone distressed her so much she couldn't handle it. "Yes, and I am SO ready to get it out of here, believe me." I couldn't take it anymore, I took the bait. "Why are you faxing George Bush?" She says she can finally tell me since she is faxing her "resignation" letter to him right now. Please note that in her professional resignation to our Commander-In-Chief, she signed the letter like this:

Peace.

Sheri Church


.....more tomorrow!