Mazzio's Delivery Boy: Hey, I love your Koi pond.
Mary: Hey, thanks. (They aren't koi. They're goldfish. But I am not a fish snob so he can call them whatever he wants. ) They need to all stop having incestuous sex with each other and having little inbred fish bastards.
Pizza Boy: I'm not just talking about how nice it looks and stuff. Koi mean something to me. I have studied the greek mythology behind koi EXTREMELY intensely.
Mary: Oh. That's neat. I don't really care about things like greek mythology or studying. I like...pizza.
PB: My first tattoo I got when I turned 18, a few months ago, was a koi.
Mary: Oh, really? That's a cool idea I guess. I don't really like tattoos, though.
PB: You wanna see it? It's all right if you do.
(Lifts up shirt to reveal his little boy back which is covered with a giant angry cartoon that looks like a constipated catfish. It wrapped around his back and all to the way to the front of his stomach. I thought he was going to pull down his boxer briefs to show me how low it went...)
Mary: Ohh.....yeah....that's....powerful.
PB: Koi swim up stream as metaphorical boys and reveal themselves upstream as dragons. Or men, if you will.
Mary: Oh, I will.
PB: My dad died and I'm going to swim up stream and be a dragon for him.
(Pulls shirt up higher on his barely legal chest to reveal a giant cartoon that appears to be a constipated tree.)
PB: And this is the tree of life.
(Flexes inappropriate chest and pats it intensely with emotion)
Mary: All right, so $24.75? Here's $27. You keep that change, you've been through a lot. At least you have...koi..and their..er..spirit..to hold on to.
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| "Why's that pizza guy still talking, Spongebob? I wish he'd leave so I could make sex to my sister." |
What was really depressing is that he was clearly not hitting on me. I can't explain it in words to properly express it, but I think he wanted me to be his mom. I had urges to ask him to come in and watch Happy Feet with the kids (who were peering through the window wondering why I was getting a lap dance from the middle schooler in the pizza uniform). I would give him a Kevin Durant nightgown and tuck him in at 8:30.
I just hope there weren't anchovies on yourizza that he also mistook as koi!
ReplyDeleteHis next tattoo might be of your face. Be prepared.
ReplyDeletePB: You know you remind me a lot of my mother.
ReplyDeleteMB: Oh...uh...how nice...uh
PB: I HATED my mother!
MB: SECURITY!!
One of the original fish actually looks like a koi - the white and orange one - can't remember his name. I saw all the fish the other day when I dropped by the book, etc. There are so many and they are beautiful even if they are interbred - I see why the Mazzio guy felt the need to express himself - just hope he doesn't come back because I doubt he was looking at you like a mother.....just saying.
ReplyDeleteI hope he's getting big tips on that pizza beat, it's going to be a fortune to remove that giant fish tatoo when he realizes it's .... a fish tatoo.
ReplyDelete(found you through MOV. Lov your blog!)
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