Five things I wish I didn't love so much.

1. The peppermints that my receptionist has at her desk.

I know for a fact I have multiple untreated cavities in my sad little mouth. For the most part, it ain't no thang. If I get a snack from Sonic and they put that shitty little starlight mint in the bag, I can laugh at their presumptuousness and then kick the carhop in the mouth. But if you give me an IHOP mint, or any other mint that has that sugary melty feature, I cave. I hope you know what I mean by the melty feature. Then I crunch on it and let the melty minty feelings soak into the holes of decay in my teeth and give me cheek aches for the rest of the day. It's like loving a man who starts out making sweet love to you but abruptly stops and starts giving you paper cuts on the webbing of your fingers instead.



2. Tuna.

OMG I want this shirt

Tuna and miracle whip and wheat thins are a delicious snack. But I don't eat them in front of ANYONE. Especially not someone who is physically attracted to me. Like, my husband. Hopefully.  In fact, when he got home unannounced early one day and I had a bowl and was going to town on some stinky fish mash, I felt like I had gotten caught with two underage hookers. I tried to garbage disposal up the bowl and immediately brushed my teeth of the evidence. Why can classy girls eat salmon but not tuna mashed up with mayonnaise? It's so delicious but so unbelievably disgusting. The few times I have eaten it outside of my parents' house (they don't count because they love me no matter how much vagina-smelling food I eat) I have just thrown the bowl immediately in the dumpster because it's not even worth cleaning up.



3. The Bad Girls Club on Oxygen.

All Reality TV is pretty humiliating to admit to loving. But the Bad Girls Club is on a whole new level of kill yourself. There is absolutely no point to the show. There's no challenge and no prize. There is no popularity contest or voting anybody off. It's a bunch of train wreck trashy girls who drink until they throw up and end the night by either making out with each other or pulling out a weave. I never watch it the night it comes on, but I do DVR it so I can justify it later in the week when there's "nothing else on." Really, Mary? Why don't you watch a parenting DVD or a documentary on polar bears? Contribute something to the world other than yelling "Awwwww that's a bad bitch right there!"

4. Wikipedia.

This is what is making my face look like it belongs on a sharpei on Medicare. I stay up late every night wikiing. I just made up that word. Feel free to use it if you'd like. I start with the random front page article, then I click on blue words to learn more about things like cork and the Sentinalese. Then most of the things I read I get excited about, but can't recall them the next day because I take sleeping pills and don't remember anything from 8 PM on. Which ends up being rough on my world since I don't actually go to sleep until midnight. Click here if you forgot about my ambien mishaps.

5. The smell of Laundry Detergent and fabric softener.

I have realized this problem in the last month. Somehow, in my old age, I have grown to detest anything that doesn't smell like laundry detergent. I hate floral scents and fruity stuff. It just makes me think of bees, seriously. A guy I work with told me I always smell like fresh laundry and it makes him think of his mom's laundry room. I was like, "eh ok"; That's not really an insult but not really the compliment you want to hear. My friend Kendal had alcohol one night, (hahahaha) and leaned on me and told me I smelled like cotton. Does a woman want to smell like cotton? I think that's almost the least sexiest thing a woman can smell like, only after a puppy. The final straw was when I had onions in my lunch so I turned on my scentsy burner in my office and had two people call and ask why it smelled like laundry in the hallway. My body wash, perfume, shampoo, deodorant, lotion, and air freshener all had something to do with a breeze or a fabric. I am vowing to smell more like a woman and less like Timmy's mother in Lassie.