Just whip it out!

I try really hard not to post about my kids since this is supposed to be an inappropriate blog. However, they can sometimes be blog-worthy.

Rarely. Most of the time they take any ounce of coolness I have and get pink-eye or eggo waffles all over it.

Anyways.

I decided to take them to the park in our neighborhood. It's only about an eight minute walk, and the little panda bears always want to go. Most of the time I say, "No playing outside. Go find something to clean or curse at." But I decided to make an exception and walk to the park with a crazy 2 year-old daughter and her sweet/whiny  6 year-old brother. At 5 o clock. After they'd been at daycare for 9 hours. And they hadn't eaten anything.

Sometimes, when you're chasing that title of "Good Mother", you make stupid decisions.

We walk to the park. Whenever you ask Ellis to hold your hand when you cross the street she acts like you've just told her, "If you put your hand in mine, and we skip alongside each other, we will both explode when we reach the other side of the road". So it turns into more of a dragging/shoulder ripping out.

We brought a cup full of dog food, lucky charms, cough drops, and bread. Because I don't know what the hell ducks and turtles eat in 2011. We sit at the bottom of the dock and they start throwing my recipe into the water. Then Ellis notices there are lucky charms in the cup and eats a handful. Did I mention the other stuff that's in the cup? I said "No No! That's yucky", she did the equivalent of a toddler's f-you and waved her hand in my face with a look on her face like she was trying to make my eyeballs fall out. As I tried to rescue Adrian from turtlenapping the giant creature joyously  munching on a bone shaped treat, I turned around to see Ellis pulling a marshmallow out of the water and putting it in her mouth. Her hand was all black by then, and being that we are Caucasian this was a cause for concern.

I tell Adrian to throw the rest of the food in the water, but Ellis kicks him and tries to throw him overboard so she can get the cup and eat the last piece of dog food.

They have each gone down the slide one time when I feel rain drops. Obese ones. I look up and see a tornado. Or. What looked like a tornado, anyway.

Usually, when you have kids at the park, you have to ease your way into making them leave "Okay, guys, 10 more minutes" might decrease the chances of a stage-4 meltdown 10 minutes later by 13-14%. This rainstorm forced me to give no warning. Remember, we are at least 10 minutes away.

I grab Ellis and yell at Adrian to start running home. Ellis starts screaming her version of obscenities (generally "no" and "mine") and kicking her legs. I ask her if I put her down, can she run her little wet ass home as fast as possible? She seems obliging so I put her down. She sprints back for the ducks with a vengeance. I pick her up again and start running home.

Adrian is ahead of me, getting neglected because I am getting kicked by Ellis in the kidney. I notice he's holding himself inappropriately. I yell at him to slow down and wait for us, and he yells back that he has to pee. I yell at him that he can't get into the house without me. While we're arguing from one block away and Ellis is screaming I finally catch up. We are in plain view on the busiest intersection of the neighborhood. This is how our conversation went.

Mom: Come on, let's run. You can pee when you get home. Until then, get your hands off your goods, son, the neighbors are staring.

Adrian: I think they're staring because Ellis sounds like an alien train. Why is she still crying?

Mom: RUN, Adrian. Come on. We're about to get lifted into a tornado.

Adrian: Okay. Mom. This is an emergency. I have to go now. There are no cars coming, can I please just go?

Mom: Adrian no, we're 8 houses away and anyone can see you!

Adrian: (dancing like he has cerebral palsy)

Adrian: (hands all up in his shorts. still not running)

Mom: Okay, can you whip it out?

Adrian: (drops his pants and underwear and tries to kick them off)

Mom: ADRIAN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WHIP IT OUT MEANS?  PULL YOUR PANTS UP. AHHHHHHH! THERE ARE TWO CARS COMING!

Adrian: Whip it out? What?

Mom: There's a hole in your pants and underwear, you didn't know that? You have a penis that fits through that hole. Use it.

Adrian: (pulls his underwear and shorts back up) (Tries, horribly, to use the aforementioned hole in pants and underwear)

Mom: Okay. Adrian just sprint home. When you get home find somewhere in our yard that everyone can't see and let it flow.

Adrian: (already 3 houses away with both hands on crotch)

Ellis is still crying and pointing to the direction of the ducks by the way. At one point, while I was arguing with Adrian about holes in male clothing she got away and made it halfway down the cul de sac screaming gleefully at a crow and yelling "DUCK!" and throwing imaginary crumbs out of our empty cup at it.

But. Aren't they cute when they're not flashing neighbors or terrorizing flying animals?