Dear 150. I am going to drink unmentionables until I make you 120.

I have found out we will be going to beautiful Caneel Bay, St. John in approximately 7 weeks. This is from Mercedes Benz of Oklahoma City as a "Sorry for working your husband like an Orc from Lord of the Rings" trip. Body AIN'T so banging since I thought I still had 5 more months until bikinis. I thought to myself, "Medium-sized mother of two but really wants to be hot- self, what can we do to get ourselves in order to make everyone hate us when we're in the Caribbean?"

Then I came to my answer. I am going to drink pregnant women pee 3 times a day until I lose 30 lbs. It's called HCG, which stands for Happy Caribbean Girl who weighs 120. It's a hormone that pregnant women make that supposedly burns a ton of calories and when matched with a 500 calorie per day diet results in weight loss of 1 to 2 lbs per day.

The first 2 days you get to binge eat. I don't really understand the purpose of this, but I went ahead and went with it with cookies and chips and queso. Chips and queso is my weeeaaaakkkknesss. It's so delicious and fun to eat. It's like a party in your kitchen...even if it's 11 o clock and you're in a sports bra and you have a snowflake blanket wrapped around you and your husband is mad at you for watching TV too loud when he's trying to sleep (so he can get up early and drink protein shakes and build up man muscles for said trip.) Also, if you're ever broken up with or have to go to a pentecostal church...I find perfect companionship in McDonalds chocolate chip cookies. They taste like your Great Aunt made them in 1965 and they're 3 for a dollar. Not to mention the fact your binge can take place in your car since you don't have to walk inside.

Basically, you put these drops under your tongue that taste like a mixture of pee, newborn babies, 6 dollar vodka, and 2005 (for me...it was a bad year). Then you get to eat a small piece of meat and an apple twice a day...and 2 pieces of Melba toast that you get to delightfully munch on. I know this diet works. I know it's not healthy, but I'm going for hot...not healthy. I did it in June and lasted a week and lost 8lbs! Then I ate 6 sugar cookies at work while spinning around in a circle and singing show tunes. After that I was pretty much off the wagon.

I will keep everyone advised of my hotnessity.