Does my racism hurt your feelings, Mom?

The Nature Walk

Ellis was so happy to have me there. She held my hand, told me I looked pretty, and made sure her friends scooted down to make me a motherly hip-sized spot on the spiderweb and bugspray encrusted outdoor bench.

"I can change the world" 

It was her 8th birthday and her teacher had asked for parent volunteers to go on their annual Nature Walk in the woods behind their school. I normally am unable to participate in most field trips and outings because I work a lot but this one only lasted an hour and I had a work-from-home day so I could hang!

 When one of Ellis's friends told me she liked acorns, I said I did too. When she found me one and handed it to me, I tucked it into that tiny pocket of my Lululemon wunder unders and let it stay there, awkwardly crunching against my hip for the duration of the walk because I have the never ending need to bond with humans over whatever means necessary.

Another one of her friends asked me if I liked her bow. I hated it. It was huge and it cost $18, she said. I wondered if that little girl knew all the cool shit her mom could've gotten with that $18. Was that pre-tax or post-tax? I need to know. If we had $20 to work with, my list of better purchase options would have been even longer.  I told her I loved the color and the fabric was very durable and she looked like a dancer. That was all true and her little eyes sparkled with love for Ellis's mom.

Ellis's teacher instructed them to line up in line order. I quickly discovered that that was a soft alphabetical request mixed with a couple of exceptions so the pretty girls don't have to walk behind the immigrants:

The boy behind Ellis motioned that she could go ahead of him. Ellis tossed her hair and turned back to grab my hand to pull me up beside her. I did a behind the teeth smile and said in my fun-yet-stern-modern-mom voice:

"Ellis, can you tell him thank you for letting you go first?" 

"Oh. It's okay! He's spanish and, like, doesn't speak English anyway." 

I considered pretending acting like I didn't know her but I thought we were probably beyond the point that I could sell that.

"ELLIS. I'm sure that's not true. You should talk to him more often, don't assume anything about anyone!" 

"Okay! Thanks Emiliano!" She said happily and ran off, oblivious to her blatant and embarrassing  racism.

She came back a few seconds later and threw a tortilla at Emiliano and yelled BUILD THAT WALL!

(Okay, just kidding about that last part. But my heart sure felt like she had)

I held back and said "Emiliano, I'm going to talk to her today. I know she's wrong and it's not at all right for her to talk to you like that."

Emiliano nodded and said, in pretty damn good English, "I speak English, I'm just from Uruguay so I only learned it two years ago." 

 I asked him a couple more questions about himself because, again, #neverendingneedtobondwithhumansoverwhatevermeansnecessary.

After the walk ended, I presented the cupcakes I had brought for Ellis's class for her birthday. They were all gathering around me, just trying to touch me, hoping some of my cupcake-producing magic would rub off on them.

When I picked Ellis up that day after school, I had my other kids in the car so I knew it wasn't the right time to have a long discussion with her about stereotypes and judgment but her little ass jumped in the car ready to have a chat about the nature walk.

"Mom I want to talk to you about what happened at the nature walk" 

"Okay, honey. We can wait until we get home so we can have some privacy." 

"Because you want to cry?"

"Oh, Ellis, I won't cry. I just want you to have some perspective you may not have." 

"Oh. What's your perschpetctive or whatever you said.?

"I talked to Emiliano and - "

"Oh, Mom, not about that. I was just going to tell you about some mean things my friend Ramona said about you." 

I almost needed to pull over. What was happening? Could I handle the constructive criticism of any of those kids? I tried hard to think if any of them were better than me in any way but my memory was coming up blank; I had a car, a job, a husband, lipstick that stays on through anything, a sense of humor, I knew the ins and outs of snapchat. I feigned confidence a dismissive attitude.

"Oh yeah? What'd she say?" 

"Mom, I really don't want it to hurt your feelings." 

"Well, honey, then don't tell me." 

"But it really hurt my feelings too, Mom, because I love you and you're so nice and it made me cry." 

"OKAY WHAT WAS IT" I asked, a little too eagerly.

"She said she wants to murder you. Isn't that mean? Doesn't that hurt your feelings? I mean, I don't want anyone to murder you, you're so nice." 

I then asked a question I never thought I would have to ask.

"What did I do to that 7 year old that would have her planning my murder?!" 

"She said you stole her Mom's spot as volunteer, BUT after I told on her for saying she wants to murder my mom and she hates her, our teacher told her that wasn't even true. Ramona's mom couldn't come to the nature walk because she had a meeting. So it didn't even have ANYTHING to do with you taking the spot. She just, like, still hates you and wants to murder you." 

"...and she's your friend?" 

"Yeah! She's usually really nice! Sometimes she gets really grumpy and says things like 'I don't know why everyone likes Ellis', but sometimes she's fun. She says she thinks I shouldn't be popular because I'm not that fun. I'm not even popular though, I just have a lot of friends." 

"Okay, I'd like you to stay away from Ramona. I don't like the use of the word hate and I really am uncomfortable with her using the word murder. Also, do we even need to be dissecting popularity yet? You're 8." 

"Okay. I will. I don't think she'll really murder you though Mom, so you don't have to be scared tonight or anything. I just can't believe she hated you enough that she threw your cupcake away." 

"Hold on, WHAT. She hates me so much she wouldn't even eat a cupcake from Suarez effing Bakery because I had touched it!?"


I now understand that it doesn't matter what kind of diplomatic actions you take to try to include all races, gender, and sexes in a nature walk. If a mean-girl senses your weakness, she'll plan your murder and dispose of your $3.75 sugary peace offering.

Have I mentioned how much easier working is than being around children?