What makes Mama worried...

This is meant from a stance of pure, not from-concentrate, love of my mother: Wendy Flowers. If someone hadn't already started the facebook page "Shit my Dad says", I would start one called "Shit my Mother Worries About". I love you, Mom. Stop worrying about me.

One of my facebook friend's accounts were clearly hacked, and when I signed on I had a plethora of stuff advertised from him on my chat, wall, and inbox. Everyone knows the type "Hey, OH MY GOSH, I canNOT believe I am even TELLING you this but I got a new, free penis, and a HUGE Ipod! Click here!" Most people read this and get annoyed, and delete them. Maybe even send their friend a text or message asking them to change their password. My mother, however, saw this written on my wall (okay, minus the penis comment) and my dear Mother threw herself into a state of worry and thought "Oh no, I must contact my daughter immediately. SHE likes Ipods.....SHE likes free stuff....SHE IS GOING TO SELL HERSELF INTO HUMAN TRAFFICKING TO GET THIS FREE IPOD!" I can just see my mother, assuming I would be like "Hey, free shit. Welp here's my social security number, my credit card number, and a free access pass to raping me physically and financially. Now, where's the ipod?"

Here is the jist of the email my mother sent me:

Dear beautiful and perfect daughter than I assume everyone wants to take advantage of,

I posted this live for everyone to read it but decided that it would probably be better just between us so I deleted it. Be careful with that free phone offer - NOTHING IS FREE - it always costs something - like contracts, viruses, etc. I haven't slept in 14 days, because I am laying here worrying about you and your new free 16gb Ipod. I haven't showered, said hi to your Father, or eaten. Please don't fall for this scam. I think, actually, it is Osama Bin Laden, Sadam Hussein, and that odd preacher on TV who puts his hands on people and cures them. All of them working together to take advantage of your sweet nature. Love you!

Mom

Six years ago, my husband at the time and I lived in Moore, and my parents lived in Edmond. I had gone to spend some time with my parents because I was sick, and my mom's cold mom hands always made everything better. My sickness was of a non-sexy gastrointestinal nature.
My mother wanted me to stay overnight, but I had a whiny husband who needed me to come home so I could heat up a pop-tart for him. Here is a script of this awesome evening in 2004:

Mom: PLEASE don't go, Mary. What if you need to use the restroom?!???!!!!??
Diarrheay Mary: Mom, then I will stop at a gas station
Mom: But what if it happens south of 63rd street!!!!??!!!!!?
DM: Mom, there aren't terrorists on 50th. I promise.
Mom: NO NO NO NO NO NO Please.
DM: MOM! I'll be fine, I promise. I promise not to stop at any gas stations with hand painted signs.
Mom: Mary, even 7 elevens and Shells aren't safe on the south side.
Mary: Okay, Mom. Then I'll stop at a 5 star restaurant.
Mom: What if someone's following you!!!??? And I don't think there are any restaurants on the south side. Just gangs and people who want to kill or rape you.
DM: Okay, Mom. Stop worrying. I am sorry. If I had to go, I will just hold it. I am making you a promise that I will not stop at ANY gas station no matter how nice the sign is, or if it's located in Oklahoma's Tijuaniaish districts. None, I will go straight home. Okay? Okay. I love you, give me a hug.
Mom: But if you have to go then you have to go! What are you going to do!??!??
DM: Mom, I will be fine.

DM: Mom, what're you doing?
Mom: I just figured I would cover your seat with trash bags, that way if you have to go, then you can just go!
DM: Let me get this straight....

The thought of me stopping at a well-lit gas station ANYWHERE in the city is so scary to you, that you would prefer me to shit myself in the car that you pay for? What am I gonna tell my husband, who chooses to have sex with me, when I come home covered in feces?

Mom: HONEY! Okay, then just stay here.

DM: Okay, Mom. I'll just poo myself if I need to if it'll make you feel better and calm the hell down. Yep, just cover it with trash bags, that's perfect. Okay, love you too.


There is more of these, however, I did just speak to my Mother and she said "Okay, i'll let you go to sleep." I think if I choose to stay up any longer, it may make her worry that I will get mauled by a wolf tonight in my bed.