Meet Sam. She's real sad because she's so pretty.
I am going to do everyone a favor. Since she has pissed so many people off simply by being completely average and delusional I am going to help decipher a few excerpts of this article.
In Samantha's words:
On a recent flight to New York, I was delighted when a stewardess came over and gave me a bottle of champagne.
‘This is from the captain — he wants to welcome you on board and hopes you have a great flight today,’ she explained.
You’re probably thinking ‘what a lovely surprise’. But while it was lovely, it wasn’t a surprise. At least, not for me.
In Mary's words:
On a flight 18 years ago to somewhere in Britain where everyone is below average, I was happy when a stewardess came over and gave me bottle of Ozarka.
'This is from the Captain - he wants to welcome you and all the other 127 passengers on this flight on board! Do you have a child with you that would like a paper pilot's hat?'
You're probably thinking "who gives a damn...I get free water on a daily basis from my bank lobby". While I do give a damn, I also expected it because I am delusional about my awkwardly shaped inward teeth and my totally average 41 year-old body.
In Samantha's words:
I’m not smug and I’m no flirt, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room.
In Mary's words:
I have no friends because everyone hates me because I'm awful.
I have no idea why, after meeting a new friend's husband, she was so annoyed by my honesty. "Your husband totally wants me and I'm sorry", I told her. I even had tears in my eyes of sympathy towards her averageness and her husband's boner for me. When she looked at me perplexed and laughed, I kept my eyes solid and serious. "Wait, are you bloody serious?", She said. I know she was questioning me because she thinks I'm fucking gorgeous.
In Samantha's words:
Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me. Yet this is someone whose sons have stayed at my house, and who has been welcomed into my home on countless occasions.
In Mary's words:
Last week, I was out walking the dogs when a neighBOR passed by in her car. I waved and she blanked me. I think blanked me means ignore me. Yet, this is someone whose sons I have tried to show my naked modelling pictures to when they stayed at my house.
In Samantha's words:
Take last summer and a birthday party I attended with my husband. At one point the host, who was celebrating his 50th, decided he wanted a photo with all the women guests. Positioning us, the photographer suggested I stand immediately to his right for the shot.
Another woman I barely knew pushed me out of the way, shouting it wasn’t fair on all the other women if I was dominating the snap. I was devastated and burst into tears. On my own in the loos one woman privately consoled me — well out of ear-shot of her girlfriends.
In Mary's words:
Last summer at a birthday party I hadn't been wanted at, the host wanted a picture with all the ladies so he'd look big pimpin at his 50th birthday. I stood in the front, next to the host with my hand on my non existent and and non-flat waist. Since I'm 7 feet tall the other women were upset that I was "blocking" a few "other women". When I started bawling that I couldn't be in the front, some concerned girl locked me in the bathroom to keep me from having a breakdown. My husband left me at the party with one of the younger girls that were okay being in the back of the picture. The only reason he did that is because I'm so damn good looking.
In Samantha's closing:
So now I’m 41 and probably one of very few women entering her fifth decade welcoming the decline of my looks. I can’t wait for the wrinkles and the grey hair that will help me blend into the background
In Mary's closing words:
It is completely impossible for me to have written an entire article about how beautiful I am certain I am and still be okay with being old and decrepit. My husband is getting really tired of me complaining about being so pretty. I died my hair blonder for my interviews on TV after my article. Did I mention that my teeth are really awkward and weird? I already have wrinkles and I would have no trouble blending into the background now because I'M TOTALLY AVERAGE.
It should also be noted that I have not gotten ahead in the world of friends and work because I am an unapproachable cockroach of an arrogant woman. Who needs to pass my magic mirror on to Mary and let her have the unrealistic self-esteem ride of the century.
