My 2012 in inappropriate Facebook statuses

January

"Mom, stop crying and eat your pretzel" Adrian (while watching the preview for the movie that has the whales stuck under the ice)

"When I turn 18, I want a wife that knows how to dance. Oh wait, you won't care because you'll be dead by then" Adrian

"Mary, you make me so happy. I am like dog who can't stop wag his little tail" Customer in a fedora

"I wish Ellis love me just a little bit less, so she wouldn't cry when I went to the bathroom" Adrian

This morning, Ellis was being a terrorist and wanted to eat a bag of frozen broccoli. When she about to throw a fit, I agreed to let her eat one piece of it on the way to school to prove that she would hate it. She ate that entire piece of freezer burned broccoli and smiled at me the whole way to school like, "Whutchu know about that"

February


"Why is that man staring at you? Can't he tell he's too late by the two KIDS SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE CAR?!" Adrian (he yelled the last part) (he thinks everyone wants to marry me)

Mat: I don't know why you have an irrational fear of going to jail. You're never in the place or company of anyone committing any sort of crime. 
Mary: I know, but anything can happen. What if some 19 year old wants you to be her husband so she frames me for murder and I get locked up forever?
Mat: That's ridiculous. I could never land a 19 year old. 

I'm reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and I don't understand the hype. It's awful. I would rather read an information phamplet on wasp sex or a roth IRA. 

I hurt my neck today and Mat has been waiting on me all day. For one moment, Adrian noticed him messing with the TV and said "um, shouldn't you be focused on your wife right now?"

God, I am getting so old. I keep slippers beside my bed and plan on eating two tums before I consume thin mints. Lame. 


March

I  just stirred my coffee cup with a paperclip because I didn't want to get up to get a spoon. 

"My credit is only bad because I got addicted to pain pills around this time last year" Customer

"Look at this guy, trying to be cool and play the drums on his steering wheel for you... SHE'S MARRIED AND DOESN'T WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU!" Adrian

Just waiting for Mat to fall asleep deeply enough that I can sneak on the AC without getting caught...

"I'm going to be really cautious and make sure I don't step in dog shit" Said neither of my children, ever. 



April

"Well, isn't she just a huge and ugly genius" Adrian referring to Ursula in the Little Mermaid

If there's a stage version of The Little Mermaid, I picture King Triton being exceptionally hot. 

A 'steamed and salted' potato isn't 20% as good as it sounds. It tastes like I'm chewing on a thought. 

'...and don't call me Shirley" jokes will always be funny. Always. 

Adrian has a soccer game at 7:45 AM tomorrow. Why did I have unprotected sex 8 years ago?


May

If I ever have a nanny, she'll be 70 with a hunchback and a mustache. 

This "age me" app is really funny! I wish there was a "young me" app. I would use it on every single picture and not tell anyone. 

Watch out LA! We're gonna be better than you and beat you some! #awkwardatsportsstatuses

I've taken an ambien, but Steve Blake really looks like a penis. 

Adrian is alone in the hot tub with two giant people sitting on top of each other. Has no idea why or how that could be awkward. 

June

"Ellis, don't poop your pants." "But I waaaaaaaaaaaaaant to"

Ugh, stop parenting so loud. 

I don't know why Emily gets so butt hurt over her Bachelors calling her a trophy wife. Isn't that what we all want?

Well, I hated "Brave". And Adrian's gunea pig died and I don't know how to spell guinea. It's been a rough day. 

Magic Mike? I'd rather have Magic Mexidips. 



July

I was just trying to coax Adrian through 2 tablespoons of Nasty Nyquil when I realized he probably doesn't know what it means that I was yelling "JUST TAKE IT LIKE A SHOT GO GO GO GO"

"You're so weird. I would never cry at work. Except when I am really hungover." My anonymous friend (It was Kendal)

After boycotting Chik Fil A, I can't help but be thankful that cookie cake has never spoken out against gay marriage. 

I always get flipped off and I never know what I did. I need a bumper sticker that says, "WHHYYYYYYYY?"

"If I ever won one thousand dollars, I would buy us a big house like the guy who owns Hobby Lobby and loves Jesus" Adrian

August

Dear Summer, you make everyone stinky and ugly. No one looks good with a bikini and a sweatstache. Take direction from your friend, Fall, who makes everyone smell like pumpkins and snickers ice cream and promotes cuteness in scarves and non-sweaty hairlines. Love, Mary with heat splotches on her neck. 

"Bye my best friend" Nice little girl at Ellis's school "YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND" Ellis

"I love you but the next time you buy calorie-free cranberry juice, we're going to have serious issues. I'll take 20 calories for a smidgen less taste of shit" My husband

"I make the ladies laugh. While they're laughing and distracted, I escape" Adrian

Went for a bike ride. Didn't get thrown in the back of a van. Fist pump. 

September

I use three different pens on Adrian's reading log so his teacher thinks I actually fill it out every day instead of the night before it's due. 

Ellis really sucks at the Dougie. 

HD ain't great for Britney. And Leopard Pants Girl, you never got bullied. I HATE SOB STORIES GET OFF THE STAAAAAAAAAAGE. 

For about 3 seconds, I forgot we were at work and accidentally rubbed Mat's pecs. 

Veterinary offices are harder upsellers than most of my co-workers. 

October

Ellis is composing a new song in the tub. It appears the working title is "You're not my best friend Today is Tuesday Don't sit by me"

Ohhh scarves. Thank you for not being selective and looking cute on everyone. 

Adrian has its and it's on his spelling test this week. 75% of my friends don't know the distinction. We're a family of elitist spellers. 

Is it controlling and creepy that I've already picked out and learned the songs I plan on singing at my kid's weddings?

Ellis has become obsessed with the word "maybe" but never uses it correctly and it sounds like she's making fun of me. "What'd you do at school today?"     "Maybe I colored. Maybe I played with my friends"

November

I spilled coffee in my front seat and Ellis threw up in my backseat. So basically, my car smells like every Sunday morning in 2006.

Sometimes, I click on ads just because they're bad and I feel sorry for the employee that made them. It's a sympathy click so they at least get one and can keep their jobs. Changing the world with my saintlikeness.

I love you all! Except those of you that I just deleted because you're less pleasant than a wasp with herpes. Where are the speeches?I'm ready to make sweet political love to myself.

My mother took me to the doctor today and ask I was checking out I notice a girl from HS, who was looking like a supermodel, walk in to the lobby. I had a 2 day old ponytail and a swollen face with black circles under my eyes and a giant t shirt on so I texted my mother "Do NOT talk to ____ when you see her!" I had just hit send when I heard my mom's voice from the lobby, "Do you remember me, I'm Mary's mom! She'll be out in a minute, you two should say hi!" Friendly Mom fail.

If something ever happens to me, don't let the police go through my text messages. My legacy will never be the same.


December


Adrian: Mama has a song, Ellis has a song, I don't have a song...Mat: That's okay buddy I don't have a song either.   Adrian: what? yes you do, Daddy, it's Big Pimpin. 


Difference between my kids: Adrian donated two full bags of toys to charity. We asked Ellis to donate a dollar tree dirty Easter bunny given to her by a stranger and she said "Um. 
No. That's my best friend"
Receptionist on the phone just now:
"Yes, please have him call Mary when he has a chance"
"Ummm, are you going to spell that for me because there are like 100 different ways to spell that"
"I didn't even know that! Sorry about that, sure, it's M-A-R-Y!"
"Oh, so not like Christmas"
"Nope, that would be the ONE other way to spell it."
#idontcareifyoucantspelljustbuystufffromme


Adrian has lost 3 coats now. How do I punish him? Clearly my parenting method of communication and reasoning actually sucks and maybe I need to start rubbing his face in the gravel?


Toys R Us is gross.