You wish, Hoodie criminal!

I have to overcome my fears. 

Okay, not at all of them. Just some of them. Well, at least one right now.The reason it's really important right now is because today is cold. It hasn't been cold in like, 8 months. When it gets cold, people wear hoodies. And when people wear hoodies, I think they want to throw me in the back of a van. 

I've always said, if I got kidnapped I think I could talk my way out of it. I would pretend to enjoy it and be happy until the kidnapper just loved the shit out of me. Then I would tell him I was going to go for a walk and think about how happy I had been in the basement he'd thrown me in. He'd be so happy that he made me so happy that he would let me go and I would sprint (walk fast) to the nearest restaurant so I could be rescued and eat, essentially solving both of my biggest problems in one act. For some reason in my head, I picture this restaurant having pancakes. I really can't explain that. 

Anyways. Even though I feel like I am confident in my escape skills, I still fear the process.  

One day I was getting out of my car while working at the bank. I turned and saw a man in the same general area as me, heading in my general direction. I screamed. I screamed and took off sprinting, looking back to see if he was still coming to get me. I got in the bank, out of breath and almost sobbing as I told the tellers that a man in a hoodie had been chasing me. That's when he walked in and made a deposit in his granddaughter's Kangaroo savings account. 

How do you come back from that? It's tough. I told him I was sorry and said something super cheesy and old fashioned like, "you scared the bejeebies out of me!". He didn't acknowledge my apology and never really spoke to me again. Even though he ALWAYS talked to the employees who hadn't ran from him screaming like a monkey. What a judgmental asshole. 

Is it an ego thing? Do I think everyone wants to put me in their car/basement? I really don't know. I don't even feel safe when I'm with other people, in the middle of the day, in a parking lot full of cameras. 

One day a few weeks ago, my friend Amy and I were walking out of work. We work at a very large company and sometimes have to walk far to get to our car. There's a crosswalk that stretches across the multiple parking lots. It was an incredibly nonscary time, like 1pm or around there. Amy was casually telling me a story that I wasn't listening to because I was certain the person walking behind us wants us to be his. I kept looking over my shoulder to try to subtly make him feel subordinate but it was to no avail. He was gaining on us. Never mind myself, I had to save Amy. She's very little and had no idea we were about to get hit in the back of the head with a laptop bag. I wasn't going to stand for it. I finally lifted up my hand to shush Amy and turned around and stared our attacker straight on. 

"LISTEN, YOU NEED TO WALK THE OTHER WAY OR GET IN FRONT OF US. YOU'RE WALKING WAY TOO CLOSE TO US AND MAKING US UNCOMFORTABLE"

The way this computer geek looked at me, like how dare I think that because I was on the sales floor I could question his walking speed, was enough to halt the rumble we were about to have, West Side Story-style (snap, snap). He said, "I'm just walking to my car, it's right there." , like it was obvious and simple. I'm still not sure if I stopped an imminent stalker attack or just insulted a friendly co-worker leaving for Quiznos. 

I realized I may need an intervention because today it reached a new low. 

We were at Adrian's soccer game, it was fucking cold, and people were wearing coats, like cold people tend to do. 

The one on the left must have kidnapped the other one. 

It was about five minutes until the end of the game and I asked husband with one T to take Ellis to the car and get it nice and warm for me. So he left a little early, and I had to walk to the car with Adrian once the game was over. As we're walking, discussing his badassnes on the field, I noticed my heart is racing a little bit and I can't put a finger on what I'm so uncomfortable with. Then suddenly, just like the big machine that locates all the mutants in Xmen, I notice I am surrounded by men in hoodies. Most of them are even wearing sunglasses in an even more obviously criminal fashion. 

The gate to get into the soccer fields is small and allows only one person to pass through at a time. I have  spotted a killer in an OU hoodie that is plotting how to take me out and leave my adorable soccer player behind. We seem to CONVENIENTLY get to the gate at the same time. He smiles at me and Adrian and notions me to go right ahead. A 'ladies first' gesture, if you will. 

The only thought that came into my head was

"You wish, Motherfucker! I'm smarter than that!"

I gave him a condescending and all-knowing smile and said my thoughts in a kid friendly manner. Something like, "Yeah, no way. YOU'RE going first". He was confused but went ahead of me, complying with my demands like a good criminal.

So yeah, this needs to stop. No one wants you, Mary. You breathe too loud and talk too much and don't brush your teeth most Saturdays. Get over yourself.