For the love of the lack of the game

I didn't have boyfriends in high school. It's a little hard to understand because I wasn't ugly. I just had zero game. The only thing I knew about romantic relationships was what I gathered from watching Disney movies and my parents.

Disney movies involve boys not wanting sex but instead wanting to come to my family's thanksgiving dinners and look at cute baby pictures of me wearing silly hats.

My parents don't fight, they have no insecurities or jealousies, they have an intricate level of trust that I will never understand, and they would rather be with each other than anyone else.

You may see how this would set me up for an unrealistic expectation of high school love.

This could be an extremely long blog but I shall keep it short in hopes that you'll read it and comment on it.

We'll start with a guy I will call Amus. Because that sounds like anus and he was anus-like.

I met him at the beginning of my sophomore year, when he was in the same talent show as me. He played the guitar for a cool girl who sang some cool song. I sang something from a musical by myself with no band. Neither here nor there.

He loved him some Jesus and we would go to church on Wednesdays, where he would play the guitar and I would think of the things we could do if we didn't both love the big prude guy upstairs so much. He called me gorgeous and drove a hipster car, so I would make him my boyfriend. He came over to my house and met my parents and laughed with my brother over how often I spilled things and broke stuff.

Clearly, he loved me.

But people started telling me otherwise. They said he just thought I was hot and wanted to take off my clothes. When I asked him about it, he said "Well, it's not like you really thought we had some deep love connection, right?"

WRONG.

If I knew then what I do now, I would've ignored his ass and looked hot and happy at school until he regretted ever letting me out of his sight.

But, I didn't know, and Amus knew that. He somehow convinced me keeping it casual and not telling anyone was the only way to make it work. I excitedly agreed, just please keep holding my hand in the car and singing Third Eye Blind. I knew where his classes were, and would wait outside of them. Sometimes he would walk right past me and then I'd cry. One time we ended up at the same house for a night o drinking, which we didn't do because of Mr. Jesus. Not only did he drink, he didn't speak a word to  me the entire time we were there. I had a friend of his take me home, and I bawled in the backseat in the fetal position the whole way home.

His friend only said one thing, "He doesn't even like you"

I decided to move on but he didn't want me to. I have a feeling this is because I told him once we had been together for a year, we could make that sweet nasty high school love. He had other girls but would still make me feel like we were kinda sorta a little bit together. I would cry and tell him I loved him. I begged him over and over again to come to my recitals and plays. I requested kindly that he acknowledge me at school. He refused and I was like 'that's okay he still loves me, as long as sometimes he calls me and tells me that.'

Then the summer came. I turned 16. Went to church camp. Listened to N Sync. Got awesome boobs. Gained some self esteem. Was doing good and being strong and awesome and fun.

Then Amus came back. He's all, "let's be together so we can still do it". He took me the lake, where he had floating candles in the water. He had borrowed his friend's trailer. By trailer, I mean a home where he thought he could he could drive his car into my innocent garage. But I had the strength of the Virgin Mary (pun very much intended) and I told him if those were his intentions he needed to take me home. He took me to a gas station, where my friend was waiting to rescue me, and NEVER TALKED ME TO AGAIN. Not at any social functions, not at school, not on myspace 5 years later, NEVER.

Pathetic. That was a long and extremely sad one. Here are just a few more short examples of my complete and total lack of game while I was in high school.

- I chased and chased and chased this guy who worked at the bingo parlor. I would sing Mandy Moore with my eyes closed, thinking of him being my boyfriend. When he did finally ask me for my number, we spoke for 3 hours. It was a great conversation. He said he had really enjoyed talking to me and would call me again sometime.
               Me: When do you mean by sometime? I need to know when?
              Him: hahahah okayy miss bossy
              Me: No I want to know the time and day you intend to call, I don't want to be like, waiting around forever.

      He never called again.

- I had been dating a guy for 4 days when I cried on the phone with him because he wouldn't take me to a non-formal dance and instead wanted to see the birth of his nephew or something.

-  I met a guy at church and then searched on AOL for anyone I could find that also went to his school that could give me info on whether or not he had a girlfriend. I think I wrote 12 emails.

- I met a guy at a lockin who agreed to come to my parent's house afterward to make out with me on the couch. As he was leaving in his Dodge 2500, I said "I've never had a boyfriend who drove a truck before!"  He never called again.

- I liked a boy who invited me to his house to watch a tape of a band performing. His friends were there too and I wanted them to like me so I acted really, really dumb.  I also wandered into the kitchen and found his mom, where I professed my obsession with her son and suggested me and her hang out sometime. He REALLY never called again.



I am sure I have some stories about me also breaking some hearts. I didn't realize how much of high school involved the love of the chase.

 It's much more fun to paint myself as a victim, though, so feel sorry for me and tell me how much of a catch you're sure I was in 1998.