Husband and I decided we're going to be thrifty so we have lots of extra money to blow on puppies, Ithingies, and vacations that aren't of a medical-necessity nature.
We have little things we are going to cut back on. We're going to eat out less, I'm not allowed to buy any shoes, and he's not allowed to buy anything that has the word "muscle" in it.
But I have an indescribably passionate inappropriate affair with grocery items. I bet we spend $300 dollars a week at the grocery store. I don't like telling good son or mean daughter "No." So when good son wants "Twinkies and also see if they chocolate Twinkies", I just throw everything that seems like it could be construed as Twinkies or disgusting chocolate Twinkies into my cart. ( I do NOT go grocery shopping with children. Therefore I take requests before I leave). Also, because I have to maintain my good mothering, I always buy fresh fruit. Which in turn goes bad in 3 days when offspring want chocolate Twinkies instead of strawberries or pomegranates. I also love having lots of money so I can buy the pre-cut vegetables, the pre-trimmed meats, the 100 calorie packs of snacks, and the cereal that comes with a character with a cute, recognizable face on the front.
New goal: Cut grocery bill from $300 a week to $50 for the week, making husband, daughter, son, and self happy.
Strategy #1: Use coupons. If those crazy hoarding bitches on "Extreme Couponing" can buy 423 bags of croutons for $.72 then I should be able to spend $50 and get all sorts of fun, unhealthy, brand-name stuff.
I sit down to make my plan for the week. I will find manufacturers coupons for stuff we all like for meals, snacks, and drinks...then I will take those coupons to HOMELAND* where they will double them. Plan in detail:
Birds eye steam fresh vegetables. Save $1 on any three bags. I always buy their corn and broccoli, so the kids can eat them while I eat cosmic brownies. They were on sale for $.89 at Homeland. Homeland will double the coupon, making it 3 bags of veggies for $.67!
Delimex Taquitos- $1 off. Knowing of course that Homeland would double it and husband looooooooves taquitos, this was a win-win.
$1 off ballpark hot dogs(just a side note, I tried to also find a coupon for hot dog buns, this was to no avail. Apparently we all are going to pay full-price for hot dog buns for the rest of our existence and if we have some kind of problem with that, we can just move to Russia.)
These are the 3 that I have decided to break down for all you friendly, thrifty folk. If you exist. Actually you all have probably gotten effing bored by my topic and clicked off of this. You can all go to hell. I hate coupons.
Homeland: 12:10 pm. I have my list, my coupons, and the attitude of a new puppy who just got rescued from the pound. I find the hot dogs first. I notice they are $4.49. I have a coupon for $2 off, making them $2.49 when I notice the Oscar Meyer hot dogs are $2.49. I like their hot dogs better so I just get those. Coupon fail.
I find the Delimex Taquitos. They are $6.99, I have $2 off, making them $4.99. I know damn well the Wal-Mart by my house has them for $4.39 so I don't put those in my basket either. I'm starting to hate everyone in the store. I want to kick the old lady with a leg brace standing in the way of the "Pilgrims" chicken which I also have a stupid coupon for.
I wait for the ugly Grandpa and his unfortunate and should be in school grandkid (boy? girl? who knows/cares?) to get the hell out of my way for the Birds Eye Vegetables. He looks my way and smiles kindly and I punch his grandkid in the kidney. Then I get up to the vegetables, WHICH I was the most excited about, only to see they were 100% completely gone.
EVERY SINGLE BAG OF VEGETABLES HAD BEEN CLEANED OUT BY ALL YOU PSYCHOS WHO CLIP COUPONS. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET A BETTER JOB OR HAND-GROW YOUR OWN CORN FOR GODS SAKE?
I leave my basket in the middle of the grocery store. Wait patiently behind the elderly coupon box toting freakstick of a woman to get out of the single-door exit. I pout in my car for a second, then go to Mcdonalds and get a McDouble. It was on their dollar menu. I didn't buy a combo meal so I saved the remaining $4 I would have saved by couponing. Which has been taken over by all you devil-women.
*Satan's Playground
ohmygosh, I love you! because I hate coupons! sure, sure, I will use a coupon for $1 off ziplock bags at Target bec. I buy ziplock bags anyway, but the majority of coupons I see are for stuff I would never buy ("ironing spray"? what the hell is that? and who irons nowadays?) or stuff the market has jacked up the price on just to bring the price down to a normal (dare I say: "Target" level).
ReplyDeleteYour blog is quite funny. Please write more. And soon.
Best,
MOV
Bless your heart. I haven't clipped a coupon since nineteen ninety never. But, I do remember my mom and her coupons. One time Whitney and I were at the store with her for four hours, all due to coupons. It is that horrid awful experience that keeps me away from doing coupons. Or is that that I'm fat and lazy? Either way, no thank you. I appreciate your effort....but you should probably just quit buying "face on package" and pre-cut and measured crap. Duh.
ReplyDeleteLove you love your blog.
Oh, and I still don't understand why you had to "like" Stove Top Stuffing on FB. Hahahahahahaha.
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