My wonderfully hilarious and joyful friend and former co-worker Kelsey made working at the big bank bearable.
Our days were full of old rich people yelling at us to sell more of their bank products or else we'd have another conference call.
During these conference calls they would make sure and remind us of how successful Cathy Sinclair was at the northwest branch and could she please read some letters from her adoring customers to inspire us?
Cathy Sinclair was a suck up lame face. Not to mention really short.
"...and so...just when I thought Cathy Sinclair was done with her exceptional customer service...I was WRONG. She remembered my name and used it 4 times in the same sentence! When she walked us to our car and opened our doors for us she noticed a couple of spots on our passenger side door. She used her fingers and tried to rub them off but they were just the most stubborn spots on God's green earth! She ended up licking the car exterior until it was so shiny that I decided to open up a $25,000 CD and donate to her church's fund for extradited prostitutes......"
We would all roll our eyes at Cathy reading HER OWN PRAISES and hope, just hope, that the 5th time we'd heard that damn letter would be the last.
They'd finish the conference call with a prayer of Cathy and then we'd get back to work.
The call didn't motivate us to sell more stuff. It just motivated us to prank Cathy.
Kelsey in insanely old lady voice: HELLO? IS THIS THE SAVINGS AND LOAN?
Cathy: Why, this is The Big Bank ma'am. Can I get your name before we get started?
Kelsey: I'M AT WAL-MART AND MY DEBIT CARD IS GETTING DECLINED AND THAT JUST ISN'T ALL RAHT. NAME'S RUTH.
Cathy: Okay I'll be happ-
Kelsey: YOU'LL BE HAPPY THAT'S RIGHT YOU'LL BE HAPPY. I'VE GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI, SO WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE IN TWO SHAKES OF A VIRGINS ASS.
Cathy: Yes, Ruth. I love helping you with this problem already and we are going to get you squared away okay little jam jar? What's your account num-
Kelsey: ZERO FAHV ZERO FAHV FOUR TWO SIX SEVEN EIGHT FOUR.
Cathy: Hmm that account number doesn't seem to be com-
KELSEY: DID I MENTION I GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DAMN DELI? DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSED IM GONNA BE TO TAKE BACK ALL THAT MEAT THAT ALREADY DONE BEEN SLICED UP BACK TO THE DELI? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN 1986 THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY BACK SHAVED BY THE MAN I WAS TRYING TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH.
Cathy: no no no sweet dear, we don't want that! Now, what's your social?
Kelsey: SCHNOGGING NOSSIN FOUR SCHEMBERLENGER SIX OID;FGSGHOSH
Cathy: Well....I can't seem to find it by that so-
KELSEY: THIS IS RIDICULOUS I'VE BEEN BANKING THERE FOR 43 YEARS!
Cathy: Ma'am that must be the problem you have called the wrong bank, we haven't been open that lo-
KELSEY: I HAVE 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A HISTORY LESSON?!?!?!?!
Cathy::........(typing)...... Ummmmmm
Kelsey: LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Cathy: Uh well I am the manager. I'm sorry I can't find you in the system. Ummmmm.. Ummmm..... Uhhhhh....errr..... (type type type)
.........................
.......
...........
(type type type)
........
Cathy: I think it's the type of debit card you're using. Looks here like you qualify for our Rewards Triple Fangled Visa Credit card. How about we get you all set up for that right now, Ruth?
And that's why Cathy gets to be the star of the conference calls.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Shaking hands and snickering
As a manager, I frequently am required to do these awful things called interviews.
Since I want everyone to love me and think I'm cute, I am the worst interviewer. I usually end up complimenting them and then take out the hard questions, and spend the rest of the time talking about who we know in common. My interviews are always about 45 seconds. This is a blog dedicated to the unemployed, who applied for a job I posted, only to come to the interview and get made fun of later by me in my blog.
"Dale"
Dale showed up at the interview about 15 minutes late and wearing a rugby shirt. He looked like he may have done crystal meth a couple of days ago. The awful thing about an interview like this is that I know within 20 seconds that he won't be hired but I have to fake an interview because I'm non-confrontational.
Mary: I see you worked at Arvest Bank for 2 months, did you enjoy that?
Dale: MMMM not really.
Mary: Oh, what did you dislike about it?
Dale: The customers. ug. They were awful.
Mary: So is that why you decided to leave?
Dale: No, I would have stayed because I need the money. They let me go for excessive absences.
Mary: Oh! Well that's....okay....How um, much did you miss, just out of curiosity?
Dale: I think like, 8 times in a month. But my drawer always balanced.
Mary: Thanks Dale. We'll let you know by the most non-awkward method available. Thank God for email!
"Zenaida"
I gave her Casey Anthony's fictional nanny's name because she strikes me as the kind of person who would steal a child and then yell at you for being upset about it. She shows up to the interview wearing a tight orange t-shirt dress with massive cleavage and white stripes in her Ecuadorian hair. She also has her nose pierced and hoop earrings the size of dinner plates.
Zenaida: You're Mary? I'm older than you. Thas weird.
Mary: Would you like to come into my office? The air conditioner vent is blowing up your tiny dress and I don't want to see your magicland.
Zenaida: What kind of like, stuff do you have to have to work here? Could I be paid under the table without documentation?
Mary: Well are you a US citizen?
Zenaida: UM. I am bilingual. I'm from Ecuador. I think I have a social security number. You can't go to school without a social security number, right?
Mary: Uhhhh, I'm not really sure. Lets get through the interview and we can worry about your illegal alienness upon an offer of employment, okay?
She answered all the questions horribly and with extreme attitude. I wanted to take her to a boot camp, like they have for bad kids on Maury Povich. This question was the worst, though.
Mary: And what would you say your weakness is?
Zenaida: I know you did not just ask me that question. What am I pose to say to something like that? I trying to talk good things about myself. You would need to be asking someone else that knows me something like that! Do not ask the interview person a question about something bad! Ummmm. That does not make sense. What the HELL.
Mary: Haha. I agree Zenny. I was silly. We'll email you and please don't respond.
Zenaida: I don't have a computer so I'll just have mi hermano give me a ride up here in a few days to see if I got it.
Mary: I'm sorry, I don't think you're what we looking for so please don't come back. and Please don't cut me.
"Karla"
My boss at the time actually interviewed Karla so I do not know the specifics of the conversation they had. I know it was awful and very short.
All you really need to know is that Karla brought her boyfriend and 2 children to wait for her in the lobby while she had her interview. And. She had a belly button ring. That we could see because she was wearing a shirt that showed it off as though it was an impressive portfolio of banking awesomeness. While she was in the interview, her boyfriend asked me if I had any coloring books or toys for the kids because they were bored. I gave them a sucker and some judgement.
"Jamie"
Jamie showed up for an interview that someone in HR had scheduled. I had not seen her resume until she showed up and I had HR email it to me so I could over it with her.
Jamie had her hair in a soaking wet ponytail that left a huge water circle in the middle of her back. She wore an Aeropostale polo that was 4 sizes too small and a pair of black jeans that were 3 sizes too big. The black jeans were skinny jeans, before skinny jeans were cool (however, skinny jeans are only cool for skinny girls even in 2011). She had on HUGE Airwalks without laces.
Mary: Hi Jamie. I'm Mary. Oh. Would you like to shake...my...hand?
Jamie: Oh yeah okay.
Mary: What interested you in this position? I noticed you don't have any experience in banking.
Jamie: Yeah, I drive a truck. Jesus. I just want to get out of the heat, ya know.
Mary: Oh, okay... well th-
Jamie: I am tired of sweating my ass off and not making anything you know? There's a lot of money out there and it involves air conditioning.
Mary: Have you ever had any kind of customer service experience?
Jamie: How much does this job pay, by the way?
Mary: Depending on experience, up to $10 an hour.
Jamie: Wow, that's not much. That won't even pay my bills. You know. (wrings out her ponytail and places it on her shoulder)
Mary: So would you be interested in continuing the interview?
Jamie: Well....maybe I'd be interested but I thought people in like, office jobs, made money. Ya know.
Mary: Okay Jamie, well we'll let you know. And by let you know, I mean we'll give you a blow dryer and probably a fluffy towel.
Needless to say, none of these people were offered a position. One day, I hope I get famous enough that I don't have to do interviews anymore and you all can pay me to sit around in paint-covered gouchos from 2001, making written fun of everyone I have come in to contact with.
Since I want everyone to love me and think I'm cute, I am the worst interviewer. I usually end up complimenting them and then take out the hard questions, and spend the rest of the time talking about who we know in common. My interviews are always about 45 seconds. This is a blog dedicated to the unemployed, who applied for a job I posted, only to come to the interview and get made fun of later by me in my blog.
"Dale"
Dale showed up at the interview about 15 minutes late and wearing a rugby shirt. He looked like he may have done crystal meth a couple of days ago. The awful thing about an interview like this is that I know within 20 seconds that he won't be hired but I have to fake an interview because I'm non-confrontational.
Mary: I see you worked at Arvest Bank for 2 months, did you enjoy that?
Dale: MMMM not really.
Mary: Oh, what did you dislike about it?
Dale: The customers. ug. They were awful.
Mary: So is that why you decided to leave?
Dale: No, I would have stayed because I need the money. They let me go for excessive absences.
Mary: Oh! Well that's....okay....How um, much did you miss, just out of curiosity?
Dale: I think like, 8 times in a month. But my drawer always balanced.
Mary: Thanks Dale. We'll let you know by the most non-awkward method available. Thank God for email!
"Zenaida"
I gave her Casey Anthony's fictional nanny's name because she strikes me as the kind of person who would steal a child and then yell at you for being upset about it. She shows up to the interview wearing a tight orange t-shirt dress with massive cleavage and white stripes in her Ecuadorian hair. She also has her nose pierced and hoop earrings the size of dinner plates.
Zenaida: You're Mary? I'm older than you. Thas weird.
Mary: Would you like to come into my office? The air conditioner vent is blowing up your tiny dress and I don't want to see your magicland.
Zenaida: What kind of like, stuff do you have to have to work here? Could I be paid under the table without documentation?
Mary: Well are you a US citizen?
Zenaida: UM. I am bilingual. I'm from Ecuador. I think I have a social security number. You can't go to school without a social security number, right?
Mary: Uhhhh, I'm not really sure. Lets get through the interview and we can worry about your illegal alienness upon an offer of employment, okay?
She answered all the questions horribly and with extreme attitude. I wanted to take her to a boot camp, like they have for bad kids on Maury Povich. This question was the worst, though.
Mary: And what would you say your weakness is?
Zenaida: I know you did not just ask me that question. What am I pose to say to something like that? I trying to talk good things about myself. You would need to be asking someone else that knows me something like that! Do not ask the interview person a question about something bad! Ummmm. That does not make sense. What the HELL.
Mary: Haha. I agree Zenny. I was silly. We'll email you and please don't respond.
Zenaida: I don't have a computer so I'll just have mi hermano give me a ride up here in a few days to see if I got it.
Mary: I'm sorry, I don't think you're what we looking for so please don't come back. and Please don't cut me.
"Karla"
My boss at the time actually interviewed Karla so I do not know the specifics of the conversation they had. I know it was awful and very short.
All you really need to know is that Karla brought her boyfriend and 2 children to wait for her in the lobby while she had her interview. And. She had a belly button ring. That we could see because she was wearing a shirt that showed it off as though it was an impressive portfolio of banking awesomeness. While she was in the interview, her boyfriend asked me if I had any coloring books or toys for the kids because they were bored. I gave them a sucker and some judgement.
"Jamie"
Jamie showed up for an interview that someone in HR had scheduled. I had not seen her resume until she showed up and I had HR email it to me so I could over it with her.
Jamie had her hair in a soaking wet ponytail that left a huge water circle in the middle of her back. She wore an Aeropostale polo that was 4 sizes too small and a pair of black jeans that were 3 sizes too big. The black jeans were skinny jeans, before skinny jeans were cool (however, skinny jeans are only cool for skinny girls even in 2011). She had on HUGE Airwalks without laces.
Mary: Hi Jamie. I'm Mary. Oh. Would you like to shake...my...hand?
Jamie: Oh yeah okay.
Mary: What interested you in this position? I noticed you don't have any experience in banking.
Jamie: Yeah, I drive a truck. Jesus. I just want to get out of the heat, ya know.
Mary: Oh, okay... well th-
Jamie: I am tired of sweating my ass off and not making anything you know? There's a lot of money out there and it involves air conditioning.
Mary: Have you ever had any kind of customer service experience?
Jamie: How much does this job pay, by the way?
Mary: Depending on experience, up to $10 an hour.
Jamie: Wow, that's not much. That won't even pay my bills. You know. (wrings out her ponytail and places it on her shoulder)
Mary: So would you be interested in continuing the interview?
Jamie: Well....maybe I'd be interested but I thought people in like, office jobs, made money. Ya know.
Mary: Okay Jamie, well we'll let you know. And by let you know, I mean we'll give you a blow dryer and probably a fluffy towel.
Needless to say, none of these people were offered a position. One day, I hope I get famous enough that I don't have to do interviews anymore and you all can pay me to sit around in paint-covered gouchos from 2001, making written fun of everyone I have come in to contact with.
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