Today is a great day to post about my pet peeves, because I am a grumpy little bitch.
Passive aggressive facebooking: In itself, this is annoying enough to destroy anything else in the world that may be pleasurable.
Jessica Whinesalot "...has done what she can but sigh boo hiss moan, it is never enough. Done with all the negative people"
Mindy Gullibleface "yeah, girl. Don't you worry about her, she's an ugly bitch with a saggy ass anyway. Keep your head up. See you at church on Sunday! 'he who walks in the light of the Lord shall never throw bitchy stones at glass houses' Luke 46:1"
John Likesanyreasontotalktohotgirls "Who is messing with you? I'll beat her up if you give me a chance to have sex with you. =) Just kidding, sweetie. But seriously, call me if you need me for anything. I'll drop elbows and penises for you."
Jessica Whinesalot "hahahaa John you're SO funny. No big deal, just some people seem to think it's be mean to Jessica day. No one specific. I don't want to go in more detail about it because it's kind of personal. =) But thanks for all your support loveys!"
Sally Pronoun She is so horrible and he doesn't know anything about anything! They just like to bring people like you and her down when they get pissed off about the fact that you aren't hanging out with them at their place anymore. Oh and don't even get me started on her sister! She has so much nerve to say what she said about you and her. And he is such a player-hater. We need to meet up and have coffee and judgment soon, because I have to tell you about what he's been doing to me lately.
Julie Insidejoke Jess just remember that the bull always comes before the balls! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha. Love ya beeyatch!
Jessica Whinesalot: Whoa @Sally, didn't mean to get you all fired up! I just don't understand. Why does everything seem to go well and then everyone turns on me. =( @Julie girl you know it all too well in "magicland"! hahahahahaa oh my gosh we have too much fun after 2 many!
Christy Paranoid: WTF, Jess, really?!?!?!
Jessica Whinesalot: Really, what?!?!
Christy Paranoid: Typical. All because I accidentally had diarrhea on your puppy that one time.
Jessica Whinesalot: "Through the eyes of our children we shall be one and peaceful" All that's important is taking care of my daughter and myself! No more negativity! I shall prosper and thine self be true! I'm still posting and making quotes about the stuff I just said I wasn't going to let bother me! Somehow I keep typing about it!
Karly Twelveyearoldcousin: Wuz wrong cuz? :( <3 -------@
What's even more pet peevish to me is how I frequently have the urge to "vaguebook" or take out my passive aggressiveness on my Facebook friends. If Husband with one T makes me sad, I will type a status like "I'm so tired of being the only one who CARES!" Or something else equally dramatic. But then I delete it and change my mind.So I pretty much am annoyed by something I myself am guilty of. I'm just enough of a poser that I fake it.
My other pet peeve is posers.
Showing posts with label GBE2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GBE2. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My ass on a wall.
"Come sign up for this thing we're doing at my gym", my friend Greer (a very dedicated and amazing personal trainer) says.
"I don't really like social events at the gym. Especially yours", I pout back. Her gym is where all the girls who look like her go. Here she is.
I prefer gyms where I am the best looking and fittest one there. Since those gyms don't exist, I instead choose my couch and chocolate eggo waffles.
"Dude. You're wearing me out. Your best friend's a goddamn trainer and a damn good one. Take advantage of it. You're not getting younger."
I'm 28 and that one stung like one of the many times I've been attacked by a satan wasp.
"Come in when you get off work. Pay $50 and you get 3 sessions with me. Just me and you. In the "girl" part of the damn gym."
It goes to show how horrible I am at gym-going that I didn't even know the room was divided by your type of genitals.
I decide to go up there and sign up because Greer really is an awesome trainer and I can't afford her normal fees.
There are no parking spots at the gym at 5:15 because everybody wants to have a nice body and everybody wants to do it right after they get off work. I manage to park in a spot that says "NO GYM PARKING" and smile sweetly at the men's clothing store owner who is scowling at us when we walk by. I figured I was safe and there was no way he would think I was going to the gym. I am, after all, a size 10 and wearing a skirt suit with a bouffant.
I couldn't help but notice that at least two people with high and tight asses walked past me condescendingly in the parking lot to make sure they knew they were faster parking-lot walkers and in better shape. I wanted to scream at them "I KNOW YOU ARE!", but I knew that would be more than slightly crazy. I instead took Kendal's advice and made sure I locked my beautiful car 12 times and smiled to nobody....because they may have glutes o steel...but I got a Benz and white teeth. So suck on that.
Greer finds me and takes my credit card to go sign me up. She kind of showed me around but the place was so insane and full of hotties that I just wanted to go to Bass Pro Shop and get some self-esteem back.
She then walks me over to a table where I have to sign up a time slot.
Mary: What's this? What am I signing up for now?
Greer: This is just your time to come in and let me take your weights, measurements, and pictures.
Mary: eh. all right.
Up walks 6"3 man of large biceps and name tag with impressive title.
Greer: Hey. Mary just signed up. Will you get her a t-shirt?
Biceps: Has she taken her pictures yet?
Greer; Nooooo, she just came to sign up after work, she's my best friend. She's going to wear her bikini on Friday....betcha wish YOU got to take the pictures, huh?
(.....uh.....bikini? Hot young boy taking pictures of me in said bikini.... what the fuck is happening to me....)
Biceps: She's kidding. Only she will see the pictures if you want.
Greer: SHUT UP! Look at her she's freaking hot!
Biceps: Well....we're not supposed to give the shirts until you take the pictures.
Mary: That's all right, I don't -
Greer: She's coming on Friday, go get her a shirt!
That's when I noticed what Greer had signed me up for. It was a wall o hotness. A wall of pictures of girls in bikinis entering a nationwide competition for who could have the tightest ass, or something along those lines.
Greer is going to die.
Since hot boss biceps is still standing there, I got out.
Texts to Greer later:
Mary: You know there's no way in satan's playground I'm taking pictures in a bikini
Greer (text): I can understand for sure. You can just wear spandex shorts and a sports bra.
Mary (text): Yeah, that's a ton better. How about sweatpants and a tank top?
Greer (text): Yes.
Greer (text): You'll just have to lift up your tank top and take off your pants for the picture.
Greer doesn't get it.
"I don't really like social events at the gym. Especially yours", I pout back. Her gym is where all the girls who look like her go. Here she is.
 |
| I just made you decide not to eat lunch, right? |
I prefer gyms where I am the best looking and fittest one there. Since those gyms don't exist, I instead choose my couch and chocolate eggo waffles.
"Dude. You're wearing me out. Your best friend's a goddamn trainer and a damn good one. Take advantage of it. You're not getting younger."
I'm 28 and that one stung like one of the many times I've been attacked by a satan wasp.
"Come in when you get off work. Pay $50 and you get 3 sessions with me. Just me and you. In the "girl" part of the damn gym."
It goes to show how horrible I am at gym-going that I didn't even know the room was divided by your type of genitals.
I decide to go up there and sign up because Greer really is an awesome trainer and I can't afford her normal fees.
There are no parking spots at the gym at 5:15 because everybody wants to have a nice body and everybody wants to do it right after they get off work. I manage to park in a spot that says "NO GYM PARKING" and smile sweetly at the men's clothing store owner who is scowling at us when we walk by. I figured I was safe and there was no way he would think I was going to the gym. I am, after all, a size 10 and wearing a skirt suit with a bouffant.
I couldn't help but notice that at least two people with high and tight asses walked past me condescendingly in the parking lot to make sure they knew they were faster parking-lot walkers and in better shape. I wanted to scream at them "I KNOW YOU ARE!", but I knew that would be more than slightly crazy. I instead took Kendal's advice and made sure I locked my beautiful car 12 times and smiled to nobody....because they may have glutes o steel...but I got a Benz and white teeth. So suck on that.
Greer finds me and takes my credit card to go sign me up. She kind of showed me around but the place was so insane and full of hotties that I just wanted to go to Bass Pro Shop and get some self-esteem back.
She then walks me over to a table where I have to sign up a time slot.
Mary: What's this? What am I signing up for now?
Greer: This is just your time to come in and let me take your weights, measurements, and pictures.
Mary: eh. all right.
Up walks 6"3 man of large biceps and name tag with impressive title.
Greer: Hey. Mary just signed up. Will you get her a t-shirt?
Biceps: Has she taken her pictures yet?
Greer; Nooooo, she just came to sign up after work, she's my best friend. She's going to wear her bikini on Friday....betcha wish YOU got to take the pictures, huh?
(.....uh.....bikini? Hot young boy taking pictures of me in said bikini.... what the fuck is happening to me....)
Biceps: She's kidding. Only she will see the pictures if you want.
Greer: SHUT UP! Look at her she's freaking hot!
Biceps: Well....we're not supposed to give the shirts until you take the pictures.
Mary: That's all right, I don't -
Greer: She's coming on Friday, go get her a shirt!
That's when I noticed what Greer had signed me up for. It was a wall o hotness. A wall of pictures of girls in bikinis entering a nationwide competition for who could have the tightest ass, or something along those lines.
Greer is going to die.
Since hot boss biceps is still standing there, I got out.
Texts to Greer later:
Mary: You know there's no way in satan's playground I'm taking pictures in a bikini
Greer (text): I can understand for sure. You can just wear spandex shorts and a sports bra.
Mary (text): Yeah, that's a ton better. How about sweatpants and a tank top?
Greer (text): Yes.
Greer (text): You'll just have to lift up your tank top and take off your pants for the picture.
Greer doesn't get it.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Importance of Education
I have never been into learning about History.
In fact, I had my husband take "US History since 1877" online for me because I detest it so much. He got me an A because he absorbs those lame stories of honor and swords and stuff with as much passion as I absorb chocolate chip cookies from McDonalds. (Again, if you haven't had them then you are stupid and probably thin)
Today, however, I am a History buff. I am going to tell you the extensive and intricate history behind........
Gerarda Pevostiana.....Also known as Gerard's water snake.
This little pistol of a snake reads books about other weaker snakes swallowing their prey whole and thinks those snakes are pussies and wants to show us how it's really done. I first encountered the mystical asian snake while on assignment in 1992.
There I was, in the middle of Mayanmar, with nothing on me but my wits and some clothes and some weapons and some food. Looking back, I was actually doing quite well.
I crouched down in the mud and leaned my face towards the sun while I dug my nails into the mud and rocks around me and tried to find some crab to roast upon the fire I had constructed with a starter log, pre-cut firewood, and a safety lighter.
I managed to feel the sharp cactus-like leg of a newly-molted king crab and with swift and infinite justice I swung my lunch out from under the rock, spraying black mud across my freshly ironed Gap chinos.
But this leg wasn't attached to a crab. It was a lone leg that had the appearance of being torn away from its body.
I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the rock only to see a giant man-eating asshole Gerard's water snake...tearing a crab apart like it was paying the bills. He didn't even use his fangs, he was such a bad ass predator he just used his coils to prepare the carcas because he doesn't even care how mainstream society tells him he should act.
If you haven't came into contact with one these crazy ass beasts before...that's because they come from places most blog-readers aren't just hanging out. Like Myanmar, Malaysia, and Gangfonkastin.
So there you have it....the history of my new 14th favorite animal..Gerarda Prevostiana.
(I've never had an assignment, I don't really even know what that means and I was 9 in 1992)
(The gerard's water snake is neither giant, man-eating, or an asshole. It just happened to be what my random article was on Wikipedia and I didn't want you guys to not think I took my shit seriously)
(I may or may not have not actually been to Myanmar, or seen a GWS (Gerard's water snake for the layman) in person)
(I may have made up one of its countries of origin)
In fact, I had my husband take "US History since 1877" online for me because I detest it so much. He got me an A because he absorbs those lame stories of honor and swords and stuff with as much passion as I absorb chocolate chip cookies from McDonalds. (Again, if you haven't had them then you are stupid and probably thin)
Today, however, I am a History buff. I am going to tell you the extensive and intricate history behind........
Gerarda Pevostiana.....Also known as Gerard's water snake.
This little pistol of a snake reads books about other weaker snakes swallowing their prey whole and thinks those snakes are pussies and wants to show us how it's really done. I first encountered the mystical asian snake while on assignment in 1992.
There I was, in the middle of Mayanmar, with nothing on me but my wits and some clothes and some weapons and some food. Looking back, I was actually doing quite well.
I crouched down in the mud and leaned my face towards the sun while I dug my nails into the mud and rocks around me and tried to find some crab to roast upon the fire I had constructed with a starter log, pre-cut firewood, and a safety lighter.
I managed to feel the sharp cactus-like leg of a newly-molted king crab and with swift and infinite justice I swung my lunch out from under the rock, spraying black mud across my freshly ironed Gap chinos.
But this leg wasn't attached to a crab. It was a lone leg that had the appearance of being torn away from its body.
I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the rock only to see a giant man-eating asshole Gerard's water snake...tearing a crab apart like it was paying the bills. He didn't even use his fangs, he was such a bad ass predator he just used his coils to prepare the carcas because he doesn't even care how mainstream society tells him he should act.
 |
| definitely NOT a Gerard's water snake |
If you haven't came into contact with one these crazy ass beasts before...that's because they come from places most blog-readers aren't just hanging out. Like Myanmar, Malaysia, and Gangfonkastin.
So there you have it....the history of my new 14th favorite animal..Gerarda Prevostiana.
(I've never had an assignment, I don't really even know what that means and I was 9 in 1992)
(The gerard's water snake is neither giant, man-eating, or an asshole. It just happened to be what my random article was on Wikipedia and I didn't want you guys to not think I took my shit seriously)
(I may or may not have not actually been to Myanmar, or seen a GWS (Gerard's water snake for the layman) in person)
(I may have made up one of its countries of origin)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Pounds of ham
My wonderfully hilarious and joyful friend and former co-worker Kelsey made working at the big bank bearable.
Our days were full of old rich people yelling at us to sell more of their bank products or else we'd have another conference call.
During these conference calls they would make sure and remind us of how successful Cathy Sinclair was at the northwest branch and could she please read some letters from her adoring customers to inspire us?
Cathy Sinclair was a suck up lame face. Not to mention really short.
"...and so...just when I thought Cathy Sinclair was done with her exceptional customer service...I was WRONG. She remembered my name and used it 4 times in the same sentence! When she walked us to our car and opened our doors for us she noticed a couple of spots on our passenger side door. She used her fingers and tried to rub them off but they were just the most stubborn spots on God's green earth! She ended up licking the car exterior until it was so shiny that I decided to open up a $25,000 CD and donate to her church's fund for extradited prostitutes......"
We would all roll our eyes at Cathy reading HER OWN PRAISES and hope, just hope, that the 5th time we'd heard that damn letter would be the last.
They'd finish the conference call with a prayer of Cathy and then we'd get back to work.
The call didn't motivate us to sell more stuff. It just motivated us to prank Cathy.
Kelsey in insanely old lady voice: HELLO? IS THIS THE SAVINGS AND LOAN?
Cathy: Why, this is The Big Bank ma'am. Can I get your name before we get started?
Kelsey: I'M AT WAL-MART AND MY DEBIT CARD IS GETTING DECLINED AND THAT JUST ISN'T ALL RAHT. NAME'S RUTH.
Cathy: Okay I'll be happ-
Kelsey: YOU'LL BE HAPPY THAT'S RIGHT YOU'LL BE HAPPY. I'VE GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI, SO WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE IN TWO SHAKES OF A VIRGINS ASS.
Cathy: Yes, Ruth. I love helping you with this problem already and we are going to get you squared away okay little jam jar? What's your account num-
Kelsey: ZERO FAHV ZERO FAHV FOUR TWO SIX SEVEN EIGHT FOUR.
Cathy: Hmm that account number doesn't seem to be com-
KELSEY: DID I MENTION I GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DAMN DELI? DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSED IM GONNA BE TO TAKE BACK ALL THAT MEAT THAT ALREADY DONE BEEN SLICED UP BACK TO THE DELI? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN 1986 THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY BACK SHAVED BY THE MAN I WAS TRYING TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH.
Cathy: no no no sweet dear, we don't want that! Now, what's your social?
Kelsey: SCHNOGGING NOSSIN FOUR SCHEMBERLENGER SIX OID;FGSGHOSH
Cathy: Well....I can't seem to find it by that so-
KELSEY: THIS IS RIDICULOUS I'VE BEEN BANKING THERE FOR 43 YEARS!
Cathy: Ma'am that must be the problem you have called the wrong bank, we haven't been open that lo-
KELSEY: I HAVE 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A HISTORY LESSON?!?!?!?!
Cathy::........(typing)...... Ummmmmm
Kelsey: LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Cathy: Uh well I am the manager. I'm sorry I can't find you in the system. Ummmmm.. Ummmm..... Uhhhhh....errr..... (type type type)
.........................
.......
...........
(type type type)
........
Cathy: I think it's the type of debit card you're using. Looks here like you qualify for our Rewards Triple Fangled Visa Credit card. How about we get you all set up for that right now, Ruth?
And that's why Cathy gets to be the star of the conference calls.
Our days were full of old rich people yelling at us to sell more of their bank products or else we'd have another conference call.
During these conference calls they would make sure and remind us of how successful Cathy Sinclair was at the northwest branch and could she please read some letters from her adoring customers to inspire us?
Cathy Sinclair was a suck up lame face. Not to mention really short.
"...and so...just when I thought Cathy Sinclair was done with her exceptional customer service...I was WRONG. She remembered my name and used it 4 times in the same sentence! When she walked us to our car and opened our doors for us she noticed a couple of spots on our passenger side door. She used her fingers and tried to rub them off but they were just the most stubborn spots on God's green earth! She ended up licking the car exterior until it was so shiny that I decided to open up a $25,000 CD and donate to her church's fund for extradited prostitutes......"
We would all roll our eyes at Cathy reading HER OWN PRAISES and hope, just hope, that the 5th time we'd heard that damn letter would be the last.
They'd finish the conference call with a prayer of Cathy and then we'd get back to work.
The call didn't motivate us to sell more stuff. It just motivated us to prank Cathy.
Kelsey in insanely old lady voice: HELLO? IS THIS THE SAVINGS AND LOAN?
Cathy: Why, this is The Big Bank ma'am. Can I get your name before we get started?
Kelsey: I'M AT WAL-MART AND MY DEBIT CARD IS GETTING DECLINED AND THAT JUST ISN'T ALL RAHT. NAME'S RUTH.
Cathy: Okay I'll be happ-
Kelsey: YOU'LL BE HAPPY THAT'S RIGHT YOU'LL BE HAPPY. I'VE GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI, SO WE NEED TO GET THIS DONE IN TWO SHAKES OF A VIRGINS ASS.
Cathy: Yes, Ruth. I love helping you with this problem already and we are going to get you squared away okay little jam jar? What's your account num-
Kelsey: ZERO FAHV ZERO FAHV FOUR TWO SIX SEVEN EIGHT FOUR.
Cathy: Hmm that account number doesn't seem to be com-
KELSEY: DID I MENTION I GOT 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DAMN DELI? DO YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSED IM GONNA BE TO TAKE BACK ALL THAT MEAT THAT ALREADY DONE BEEN SLICED UP BACK TO THE DELI? IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT ONE TIME IN 1986 THAT I HAD TO HAVE MY BACK SHAVED BY THE MAN I WAS TRYING TO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH.
Cathy: no no no sweet dear, we don't want that! Now, what's your social?
Kelsey: SCHNOGGING NOSSIN FOUR SCHEMBERLENGER SIX OID;FGSGHOSH
Cathy: Well....I can't seem to find it by that so-
KELSEY: THIS IS RIDICULOUS I'VE BEEN BANKING THERE FOR 43 YEARS!
Cathy: Ma'am that must be the problem you have called the wrong bank, we haven't been open that lo-
KELSEY: I HAVE 4 POUNDS OF HAM FROM THE DELI AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE ME A HISTORY LESSON?!?!?!?!
Cathy::........(typing)...... Ummmmmm
Kelsey: LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Cathy: Uh well I am the manager. I'm sorry I can't find you in the system. Ummmmm.. Ummmm..... Uhhhhh....errr..... (type type type)
.........................
.......
...........
(type type type)
........
Cathy: I think it's the type of debit card you're using. Looks here like you qualify for our Rewards Triple Fangled Visa Credit card. How about we get you all set up for that right now, Ruth?
And that's why Cathy gets to be the star of the conference calls.
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