The decent guys are all in the friend zone...where we left them...

This is what a man's back should look like until he's 57. I'm not asking for a lot. Or an alot. Actually, I am a horrible artist because this TOTALLY looks like a 12 year old boy's back and I look like a pervbag. Imagine it being bigger and less pre-pubescent and creepy, mmmkay?



I had been aching for this customer to ask me out for weeks. He was attractive and funny and awesome at ordering checks and filling out his deposit slips. He was 6 years older than me but I needed a man anyways (conflicting with my little boy picture above).



When he finally asked me out he had an entire day date planned for us. Taking me to a river, hiking on a mountain, sailing and drinking on a boat, laughing at my jokes, etc.



He was great. Marryable. Loved him some Mary.



Then he said something nice and pulled me in for a hug. When I wrapped my arms around him and felt his back...it felt like this.

I immediately wanted to go home.

I made one of my friends break up with him, via text, from my phone and told her to delete any responses and not tell me what was said by either party.

I refused to go out with a guy because his back felt like a 60 year old man's.




I took a poll from some of my favorite people and these are the best reasons I have ever heard for ending contact with an otherwise dateable man.



"The pores on his nose were too big."



ew. It has nostrils, too.















"He kept saying 'Ready Freddie?' I may be a horrible person, but at least I'll be a horrible person that never has to be called Freddie again"




Am I ready?




















"He didn't tell me about his fake leg until I slept over and heard him take it off."




A fake leg is cute when it's on a fucking elephant.















"He started quoting japanimation to himself and when I asked what he was doing he started quoting them to me."





Did he use subtitles?





"Ugh. He looked at the wall too much when he was around my friends"



Agreed. So much cuter than her friends.



"His feet didn't touch my floor when he sat on my couch. He was like a hobbit."



I bet his back was cute, though.



"He was 20. His teeth should have been more shiny."



No excuse for this.



and the best.....

"Unfortunate Lucky jeans from like, 2002."

"Jeans were TOO nice and they made him look gay"

"He said "toodles". Come on. That's not hot."

"Because he ordered red wine"

"Because he was 3 years younger than me and wore too-white sneakers"

"Because he was a used-car salesman"

"Because his closet and office were too organized"

"Because his texts were like a 12 year old girl. LMFAO. No."

"Because he wore pleated pants on casual Friday and owned mandals"

Yes....that's right. Those were all said by the same person. This is her.



Except with lots of cats.


 

Women are Crazy and (because) Men are Stupid

My friend and I decided long ago we would write a book entitled "Women are Crazy and Men are Stupid".

Isn't that inevitably what every single fight you and your partner have boils down to?

If I wasn't crazy, and he wasn't dumb, we wouldn't be having this fight. In fact, if I was more like him, and he was more like me, then we would probably be sitting on the floor alternating wrestling and singing kumbaya.

Not that that would be any funner than throwing it down. I thrive on drama.

If it's been too long since our last fight, I will pick something to fight about.





"Remember that one time, in 2008, you said my ankles look swollen? What the hell? Now I don't even want to wear this dress today because the only man who has sex with me thinks I have elephant cankles."

"Why aren't you more sorry? Can't you see I'm upset?"

"What is wrong with you? I seriously just told you how bad I'm feeling about something you did, and you are just going to continue eating your Mr. Goodbar like everything's okay!?!?"

"I would NEVER say anything like that to you. In fact, if I even knew you were this upset about something,  I WOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO EAT OR DRINK OR BATHE OR DRIVE OR PEE. Why do I care so much more about kindness than you? I am such a good person....and for what? For you to keep apologizing and eating your deliciously nutty bar that won't go straight to your lower legs?"





Women are crazy.



Sometimes, I think men are intentionally dumb so our dumbfoundedness over dumb statements they have made will just make us be quieter.

I will not call out my own husband on things he has said, because I want to continue to have him love me . These are men I have known or my friends have known's quotes"






"I just like the Imperial Palace because the cocktail waitresses are so sexy, honey"

"I think your calves are too big for those boots. WHAT'S WRONG? HOW DO YOU KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN MUSCULAR, BABY?"

"On a scale of 1-10, you are definitely a solid 7. But your personality makes you a 10"

"Who cares how hot my ex is? I love you with my mind, not my penis. I only loved her with my penis. A lot."

"You don't need to wear make-up. I'm not with you for your looks."

"This is my girlfriend! Thank you! She IS pretty but she doesn't workout."

"Why does your friend always wear such baggy dresses? I can't ever see her body."

"When I saw your butt through the window, it looked like a horse's ass on the back of a trailer on the highway!"

"She's my ex-girlfriend. The only girlfriend I have ever had that I feel bad about cheating on."

"No, I don't think Kristin Bell is pretty. She's way too old."

"Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife? She's not even fat."





I think this book could be a best-seller.

I have an amazing story about thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me at a party, but the party house had a gate that was locked. I pulled my car up to the wall surrounding the property and crawled on top of the roof of my car to be able to jump over the wall. The fall on the other side caused some injuries. Not too many injuries, however, for me not to be able to crawl through the scaffolding on the side of the house that was under construction and then climbing through a bathroom window.



But, if he hadn't been so dumb, I wouldn't have had to act so crazy. Get it?