1. Don't say mean things to your wife.
You should always say things to your wife that are nice things. Like, "You look pretty today" or "You have a solid rack". Occasionally, you can compliment on things she cares nothing about, like how smart she is or how great she is at her job.
2. Don't say too many nice things.
Nobody wants a vagina for a husband. Don't follow her around telling her how pretty and amazing she is, when all she wants you to do is throw her against the wall like a rogue grizzly bear.
3. Make a lot of money.
Money buys things that husbands want. Like wives with attractiveness. Beauty may only be skin-deep but gym memberships, highlights, and lip gloss can't be paid for with good fathering and a kind disposition.
4. Have a kind disposition.
Don't be an ass hole and work all the time. Most women would rather have attention and compliments than money.
5. Don't pretend like you don't think other girls are pretty.
Don't say that you think movie stars aren't hot. It makes women think "If he doesn't even think Sofia Vergara is pretty, then what can he possibly think about me on showerless Saturdays?'
6. Make sure you think your wife is the only attractive human being on the face of the planet.
You are only going to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life. Make sure she knows that's what you want and you are basically marysexual. Or wifesexual. It's like being asexual, but instead of only being attracted to yourself, you're attracted to your wife. Don't be a horny monkey and stare at the waitress like she's a magic poster and you can't find the sailboat.
7. Don't be controlling.
Let your wife do whatever she wants! She's only young once and she needs an outlet for all the waitress-staring you've been doing. If she wants to not wear her ring for a night, tell her you think that's awesome and let her practice her booty poppin on your leg before she goes out with her friends and you stay home and watch the kids.
8. Be insecure and jealous.
No woman wants to feel like her husband doesn't care if another man wants some of this. Punch or kick every man who looks at your wife. If he has the gall to speak to your goddess, then end his life.
9. Be hilarious and awesome.
Make sure you're always on. It's like Grandma always said. If you can't have a quick wit, then you can't hit it and quit it. That doesn't really apply there, nor do I have a Grandma that would ever speak so harshly. But seriously, be funny and cool. No one wants to refrain from divorcing someone who can't quote Beavis and Butthead. (which, did you hear it's coming back on!? I have excite!)
10. Stop trying to be funny.
You're not going to get lasagna or marital under-the-clothes touching by forcing your wife to courtesy laugh for 2 hours. Courtesy laughs make women's face hurt and gives them wrinkles. It also causes a huge decrease in libido and a huge increase in stomach acne.
I hope this is helpful. If you have any more questions, please feel free to email me.
