Lawyer up, Hit the Gym, Delete Facebook.

I have always had trouble understanding depression.

 In fact, for most of my adult life I have considered it a cop-out excuse for being narcissistic and non-conforming. It seems like every person I know that suffers from depression ends up hurting OTHER people's feelings and making every social situation unnecessarily uncomfortable. 

I have always wanted to shake them and say " Don't you understand how much better YOU will feel if you start making OTHER people happy?" 

And I still think that is true! Anytime I am feeling bad about myself I make a conscious effort to make my kids happy. I don't take them anywhere or buy them anything, I just decide to focus all my attention on them for a certain period and it immediately makes me feel better. I have picked up Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle and made them go to prom together, while talking in my My Little Pony sexy voice (What? It's hard to make a non-sexy voice for a sexy little pony like Twilight Sparkle). I have looked through a rock collection and asked questions that were extremely hard to come up with. ("Wow, Adrian, is this real gold? No? Please tell me more.")

Ever since I have had Collins, I feel like a sneaky uneasiness is bringing me down every day. I can't quite put my finger on what is making me sad, but something is. I wouldn't call it depression, but I am somehow in a rut that is not within the realm of my problem-solving abilities. 

Maybe it's the fact that I had a baby and gained weight. Maybe it's that we bought a new house. Maybe it's that I'm a working mother of three kids. It's probably a combination of all these things, along with the hormonal roller coaster that is the main attraction at the pregnancy theme park. (Damn, that was deep)

I'm not happy with who I am becoming. I care too much about unimportant things. I care too much about what people think, (ugh and I'm 30 -when will that go away!?). I find myself scrolling through my Facebook feed, my head full of judgement and criticisms and jealousy. You think you're crazy? This is a normal script in my head as I do a news feed scroll. 

Gah, she's so pretty and perfect. I bet she doesn't get into car accidents like I do.

Gah she's so happy, I bet she's always on time to work and never orders extra cheese on her pizza.

Gah she's so funny, I bet she doesn't have to take Ambien to sleep.

Gah she's so absent from my Facebook feed. It's probably because her life is so great she doesn't ever want to waste time on social media because she's so happy with her awesome life.  I bet her and her husband went to Italy this year. I bet they go to the park every Sunday with their labradoodle and she wears shorts and an effortless scarf, and they discuss stuff that matters. I bet her husband laughs at all her jokes and tells everyone that will listen how great she is. They probably had sex last night, and she probably wore his work shirt afterwards and it was probably so huge and adorable on her.

Gah he's so smart. I wish I was smarter. Why didn't I study when I had the opportunity? I could know so much right now.

Why am I so stupid? Why can't I listen to things and absorb them? Why do I have to watch each episode of Cosmos three times to grasp any of it!

Why do I hit so many things with my car?

Should I not be vaccinating my kids? Am I really that horrible of a mother for not wanting them to get Polio? NO I'M NOT. WHY ARE THEY JUDGING ME?! JUDGEMENT IS SO WRONG.

Ew, she should NOT have worn those shorts. 

If you have ever googled how to get through a hard time, you have probably stumbled upon "Lawyer up, hit the gym, delete facebook". It's something that frequently pops up on Reddit, one of my favorite websites. I think it's mostly related to how to get over a lost love, or properly get through a divorce. 

I'm obviously not getting divorced. Husband with one T is my most favorite part of the day. I don't need a lawyer (yet) (did I mention 2 car accidents within one week?), but I think the other two are something that needs to happen. 

My 31st birthday is June 2. I am swearing off  Facebook (starting on Thursday) until then. I am also vowing to go to bed at a decent time, stop eating junk food, and do some form of workout every single day. I am also going to stop hating myself for 40 days. I am way too hard on silly old Mare, and it's taking its toll. 

I have to be able to share pictures and stories of my hilarious and adorable kids until then, though. So I am going to post here, on my blog, every day until my birthday. It won't always be funny or inappropriate or even readable. It will probably be more like a journal, that no one would want to read except my Mom, who is probably now freaking out with worry while reading about my rut. (love you, Mom!)

Thank you in advance for not deleting my blog off your list. I promise to be back to the inappropriateness as soon as I get out of this Sneaky Hate Spiral. Love you all!