Hygiene sucks most of the time.. like pretty much always....

Is there anything worse than dental work?

The answer is no, kind sir.

 Dental work sucks. Which is whyyyyy I always put it off as long as I can. A little bit of tooth pain? Nothing an m&m cookie can't fix. I'll crunch those m&ms right on that mangled tooth until I feel better about my life.

I love flossing, I think it's fun. But when those bastards at the dentist floss me, it's like they're trying to rape my gums with their rubber elephant fingers. It's hell. Then what's the next logical step after trying to reach the inside of my nasal cavity with some minty flavored string? Let's go ahead and take a Satan spike and poke me in the gums. Then, you can high five the dentist for making my mouth taste like blood and making me a sad girl.


The thing is though.....taking fast action when you have dental problems is....what's the word I am looking for?


Ah yes....fucking important.

Because you see, I had a tooth in the very back of my mouth that chipped about 5 years ago. I had the dentist file it down so it wouldn't cut my tongue but that's all I did. I had about 25 fillings between 1986-1994 so I avoid them at all costs. That particular tooth was almost 100% filling. F Mary's life in 1994. I woke up to my face more swollen than a monkey's uncle. (I tried really hard to think of something funny that was swollen, but my face hurts and I'm on hydrocodone so sometimes I say things that don't make sense. Driveway) I had to go to the dentist. According to what he said, this is what he saw..











 The dentist kept referring to my tooth as though he had a little personality. An infected, painful, train-wreck personality. "Wow that little guy sure is angry. He won't let me in there at all!"

Me: Okay, I have a great idea....why don't you give me 3 more shots then shoot me in the face?

Dentist: Okay, open wide....this one's going to hurt like a mother fucker.

Me: Wow, that one did hurt. Good thing we're done, because my tongue just disowned my body and I need another vallium.

Dentist: You're so silly! We're not done!

Me: Yay! more shots!

5 shots later, the dentist broke up with me. I don't know if it was because I told him I personally thought he was a horrible human being, or if it was because on shot number five followed by him attempting to rape a non-numb alien tooth with a ginormous drill I yelled cuss words and pulled my knees to my scalp.

It's going to require surgery. I have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday. I will probably not let anyone know how it goes, because I know none of you actually care about my dental hygiene. But I wish you all years of not only brushing, flushing, tooth cleanings and tongue scrapings, but also that your teeth are sweet little teeth with kind personalities and a love of Jesus.